To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

It's not something I've come across outside of daily mail style "parents of today are awful" type articles, but I don't think schools change nappies unless there's a medical need. The expectation that children can use the toilet independently is still very much in place.

When my eldest started school she was expected to hang her coat up and put her lunchbox, water bottle and book bag in designated storage places in the classroom, for example. Then if she took her cardigan off, put it on her peg. She needed to record her presence and whether she was on packed lunch or school dinner by moving her symbol to the appropriate part of an attendance chart. All that sort of stuff is what I meant. And the preschool year involved stepping stones to prepare them.

A child going directly from home may find that expectations daunting in a chaotic classroom of 30 4-5 year olds!

I agree.
Some children do Ok but when DD started in primary her teacher said to me that she could usually tell which children had never been to any kind of childcare, even if it was a pre school for a couple of days a week. I think her words were along the lines of "they have never been left with anyone other than family and suddenly they are here 5 days a week looked after by strangers, it seems almost cruel to me".
We didnt need childcare for work for DD but she went to a preschool 2 days a week and then we stepped it up to 3 for the 6 months or so before she started school. There were quite a few DC from her preschool in her Reception class and it made things much easier for her. Being in a group setting teaches them things like taking turns, lining up, routine, sitting quietly on the carpet etc and I think at least a couple of mornings is really helpful before they start in Reception

My first one went to nursery full time. My second didnt, I took her to stay and plays instead.

(NB. I'm in Scotland so the system is a bit different).

MY DD never went to nursery. The plan was to send her to the local nursery school age 4-5 before starting P1 but covid shutdown meant she only had a few mornings a week during the spring term age 5. She was perfectly fine and I think being older meant she was more emotionally ready and independent. Staff all said how confident she was.

If I was doing at again, I would stick to my original plan of sending the year before school - just to build up stamina for a full week, and develop resistance to bugs so they don't miss too much when they start school.

There is a huge difference developmently between a 2 and 3 year old. All of my kids were starting to get bored with toddler groups/play groups by 3 and they no longer stimulated them. This is quite standard as they are outgrowing the baby and toddler stage so you may find this happens. Personally I would say preserve and try find a pre school nursery as they normally prepare kids for school. Unfortunately you can normally see the difference between kids who have been to nursery and kids who haven't when they start school. The children in most cases who haven't been to nursery are nowhere near as ready and struggle more in school as they haven't learned the skills they need to start school. Obviously there are exceptions to this but often that's because they parents have ensured they are school ready.

I agree with this, my daughter has been in nursery since 9m old, no family nearby and we were in the office full time then, thankfully she loved nursery, made friends she is still friends with now 7yrs later and it really did help with the structure needed for school.
I also saw how tough it was on children who hadn't done nursery/regular play groups etc, they hated leaving their parent at drop off and took a lot of coaxing from parent and teacher to get them in to class.
Nursery also helped as they'd started learning letters/numbers/colours and shapes plus writing their names and basic sentences.

My children never went to nursery. I used to go to a parents/tots afternoon twice a week and maybe twice a week meet up with friends with children the same age. They were both fine when they went to school. Nursery is not obligatory.

I know us older people tend to say "In my day..." a lot but I do think that as sending a child to nursery didn't really happen when I was a child (a lot of mums were SAHP) - and we didn't even start school until just before our fifth birthdays - it is worth talking about.

I know parents get paranoid about their child socialising with others but that didn't really happen when I was a child, either - I had one friend who lived across the road and we played together, then we went to school together ALL through school, until she left aged 16. I made friends at school but in those days, you only played with children who lived - as my friend Ruth did - very nearby. There were no "play dates" (and hardly any birthday parties!).

What made the difference for me was having a mother who talked and read to me - in fact, she taught me to read and write before I went to school - all of which made me hyperliterate.

If nursery is going to be more trouble in your lives than you'd like - stick with the arrangements you've got.

In recent years, the idea that educators should be teaching kids qualities like grit and self-control has caught on. retro bowl

I think 6 hours of nursery a week would be enough or make a bigger effort to have similar aged kids on your days out x

My 3rd never went to nursery because my 4th was really poorly as a baby and had so many hospital appointments so we couldn't commit to regular hours. The school kept saying we should but when he started school they said they could usually tell which children hadn't been to preschool but with him they couldn't. We went to lots of toddler groups though and we followed the eyfs at home too.

Our eldest went to preschool for a few afternoons a week but the other two didn't. I did loads of fun and educational things with them and we had play dates and went to Mums and Tots groups. The oldest and youngest were reading Simple books by their 3rd birthday. The middle one wanted to do dance and had no interest in learning to read but that was absolutely fine by me. So - is nursery necessary? In my opinion, no. No one would have loved my kids like I did. No one would have been so invested in them. BUT everyone's experience and finances are different so people do what they can.

Out of curiosity, what part of the country are you in OP?

Im slightly biased as a childminder, but I think you're wrong to write them off straight away. When I have spaces, I try to take on children of similar ages so they have someone to learn with. You'll also find that most childminders attend groups or go on play dates so that their mindees are mixing with a huge variety of children.
If you're very concerned, you can look for bigger childminder settings where two childminders work together or with an assistant so have twice the number of children (so a much higher chance of them being a similar age)

I attended a nursery school/preschool in the late 80s!

I'd explore preschools. They are more likely to have a place as they are tricky for working parents to use due to the times they run (usually 9-12 or 9-3). They usually take funded hours and you don't have to commit to all day every day. You could just do mornings or just 2 full days. As you don't need it for child care you could just pop DD in for a couple of mornings 9-12 and then she gets the socialisation.

In the normal state of affairs I would be wanting to do what you planned, ie send her in for a couple of days a week to build up and get used to being at school. This is exactly what I did for DS at that age.

However, in your shoes I wouldn't worry too much as it sounds such an ordeal to find somewhere suitable. Sure, it might make the first few months a bit more difficult for your DD, but she sounds a resilient little person.

I never went to nursery so my first day at school, that was it! I can still remember the realisation that my DM was handing me over to strangers, in this big scary place and was going to leave me there. It took me about 2 minutes to get used to it - the time it took to be led into the classroom and to spot the wooden Noah's ark to play with. It was fine.

Hi OP, I do think attending a nursery/creche before school starts is really good for them for lots of different reasons.
My DC is an only at the moment and we both work FT. Without attending creche for a couple of days a week (we're very lucky that DC doesn't have to, it's a choice we're making) DC would have very little socialising with other children, limited play and learning opportunities. There's only so much we can achieve in a weekend!
However, I do appreciate it's not for everyone and you're obviously trying hard to get yours into one. Maybe you could put yourself on a waiting list for your proffered nurseries and hope you'll get a space.

Sorry for using your post as an example, there were many like you, but I just picked one.
I am a pediatric occupational therapist and can categorically state that nurseries are not necessary. Remember that daycare started, not because kids couldn't interact with each other but because women started to go into the workforce. ( it was originally started for factory workers). It wasn't the done thing until recently.
But let me explain a bit more. There are different stages of play development. I won't explain each one, but here they are below.

• Unoccupied play (Birth – 3 Months of Age)
• Solitary play (3 Months of Age – 2 Years of Age)
• Onlooker Play (2 Years of Age)
• Parallel Play (2 Years of Age and Older)
• Associate Play (3-4 Years of Age.
• Cooperative Play (4+ Years of Age)

Children only really start to play TOGETHER at around 4 to 5 years of age. Do you know what a nursery teacher does most of the times. She is topping 2 year old Johnny from taking 2 year old Ralph's truck. Keeping Susan from grabbing the doll off Mary. Placating Lee because he couldn't play with the train that Gerry is playing with. Explaining to one little boys parents why another little boy bit their son as he was angry that first boy took his toy. KIDS do not play together at these ages! "Helping them socialise" is a myth! And often parents would go. "yeah johnny was really bad at sharing, but he's been to nursery, he's now 4 and a half and he shares much better" Yeah that's because it is a developmental stage that all well-rounded kids reach, not because he was at nursery.

IMO its more important to expose children to different age groups anyway, because that's where learning takes place. Think back a bit. Children had baby siblings, older siblings, cousins, etc. The older ones learned to be patient with the little ones. A little one ( say 3 years of age learns he cannot always win ( because mama lets him right?, but not his 5 year old brother - similarly 5 year old brother learns that he cannot always win when he plays with his brother, because then baby bro doesn't want to play anymore, so he tones it down). Two 2-year olds don't learn from each other, they're both equally immature? I honestly don't know where this notion of socialising with peers in the toddler stage comes from. It holds no basis.

I'll say it again - if you send your child to nursery - please do, but it's not to socialise!

To OP, your kid absolutely does not need nursery. Even if you were worried about that, kids in the UK start school so early that you would cover that base if you thought it was true. Many countries' children only start school at 7 ( way more developmentally appropriate, but that is a different story anyway)

They don’t as a matter of course. I know because my DS5 has skid marks after he has pooed at school and occasionally a sore bottom. He is pretty proficient at using the loo but clearly has some room for improvement.

Thanks, I haven't really seen the point of a childminder as they might not even have children a similar age. I contacted a couple who reported no availability anyway

@Nilin honestly this is a bit shortsighted. If they have no availability fair enough but young children gain so much from spending time with both older and younger children. This is why I'd never use a nursery for a very young child who would spend all their time in a "baby room" but that's a whole other debate! Don't rule out a CM especially if they do school pick ups, it's really good for pre school age children to be part of that experience.

None of mine went.

One was home educated until he was 9, the other just went straight to reception and my youngest who is 3 and a half has never been to nursery and will be home educated for a while like her brother was.

My eldest is 21. I was told all sort of horror stories of things that would happen if he didn’t go to nursery and I thought peoples heads were going to explode by their reactions when he didn’t go to school at all 🤣

Funnily enough, He didn’t become the reclusive shut in, afraid of the world and unable to communicate with others as my Ex MIL said he would be.

My children always preferred the company of older children. They didn’t “play” with children of their own age, they just ignored them or fought with them over toys,but would happily engage with slightly older children.

What about a preschool rather than nursery?

I see no harm at all.