To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

I didn't, I kept mine in a childminder and regretted it massively when she started school. She went from a quiet setting with 4 kids to a class of 30 and couldn't cope with it at all.

I'd try and take up a place for the year before school starts at least. It gives kids a level of independence that they won't get just doing toddler groups.

Look at a preschool instead. They’re term time and school hours, so more likely to have availability.

Oh yes, the germs. God I wouldn't want to be doing that for the first time in school.

Why don't you give the primary school you want to use a ring and ask where their pupils typically go in the year before school, you might get some useful local info. Don't know where you are but here there are no funded childcare hours but there is a funded preschool year so we have plenty of provision and everyone does at least one year at preschool. Maybe it's different in other parts of the UK or maybe you're not in the UK.

Save your money and the massive headache of the logistics. If it felt like the best option, you wouldn't be posting on here. If a place comes up at a closer one then maybe you'll reconsider. But there's nothing wrong with your current set up if everyone is happy. Just look for playgroups or classes for kids her age, even just going to places in busier periods will expose her to other kids.

For the record, my son has been going 3 days a week since he was 18 months old and is due to start school in September. He'll probably be one of the children some people here are talking about when they sniff "you can tell a mile off which ones haven't been to nursery" 🙄 He still struggles massively with drop offs and transitions generally, despite us trying quite literally everything. Struggles with fine motor skills like doing his coat up and holding a pencil. He was fully toilet trained by just after 2 but that was us, not nursery. He can follow direction and sit for a story but that's just his personality I think. He hates the loud/busy bits of nursery and will often take himself off to the book corner but will join in with some encouraging once he feels more at ease.

I'm just saying this because people act like going to nursery is the be all and end all but honestly I don't think it is. Every child, family and set up is different. Just do what works for you OP!

Children generally enjoy nursery most from about 3.5yr when they become more sociable with their peers.

I wouldn't say it is essential to send a child to nursery so long as they are getting out into the world and meeting people and socialising that way. You can make supermarket trips educational, for example.

School readiness is about being able to separate from a parent confidently, follow instructions be able to take themselves to the toilet, get shoes and coats on independently and things like that. All of those can be taught at home. Basically treat them older than you feel they still are! So many parents pick up and put their child's shoes on for them when they've been doing perfectly fine by themselves all day in and out of the garden.

If you have any SEN concerns however make sure you are speaking with a GP or health visitor as nursery staff are good at picking up on this kind of thing early so children who have been through nursery may already have help in place before starting school.

The need to socialise with other children is very different from the highly artificial arrangement of sticking lots of children of very similar age in a room with just a few adults (something invented purely out of economic convenience).

Do things to help her socialise with a wide range of people: children her own age but also other children and adults. Not socialising outside of her immediate peer group will be harmful in the long run. Small children do not know how to socialise very well and making them overly reliant on each other forments all sorts of unhelpful habits.

I think you could expose your daughter to structured activities, listening to the teacher, being part of a peer group for a similar number of hours per week if you did a few activities like ballet, swimming, messy church (or whatever religion), stagecoach or something like that. And invite some of the children she meets at those activities for playdates.

You might not be finding the term time only provision that might suit you because you're searching for 'nursery' or 'preschool'. Ours was confusingly called 'playgroup' but was an Ofsted checked setting where you dropped off kids from 9 to 1, not a toddler group where parents stayed.
Is there a local Facebook group or nextdoor you can join to ask for recommendations for a setting that offers term time only 2-3 days a week places?

It’s important that your dc socialises with other children. If nurseries can’t accommodate then having your dc attend a childminder setting with children, perhaps of different ages is fine. Either this and / or attending a lot of social gatherings, which you say you don’t.

I wasn’t socialised much as a child. I remember feeling stupid age 3 at a playground I went to a few times just before starting school at 4. Academically I was miles ahead and could read fluently. This changed pretty quickly because I really struggled socially to interact with other children.

Some children will swim in a class setting despite not having been socialised much until that point. Others will not. My dd’s former years were very different from mine and she is very socially adept.

But it’ll just hit at school surely? Better to get their immune system challenged when they’re young. I wouldn’t do nothing, it could make going to school very tough for her. A childminder with similar age kids could work if that’s the only option.

Doesn't have to be nursery but I do think children benefit from spending time away from family. I have two teachers in my family who say they can always tell which children have been at home with family the whole 4 years and which haven't.
It's nothing to do with learning but they are confident going in to school (because they already know mum/dad always comes back), confident talking to adults and usually more independent.
If you really can't find anything then I suppose you don't have a choice (only go for the nursery if it feels right, the kids are engaged etc not just because it's your only choice) but I would try and go to playgroup so she's used to socializing with other children

When I changed jobs I still put the effort in to take my daughter to her nursery which was the opposite direction of new job and added 30 mins to my journey. Sometimes you have to do it to benefit your children.

YANBU, I don’t think nursery is necessary unless you need it for childcare purposes. Preschool might be a good idea just the year before they start primary, just to ease the transition to school.

Both mine were in nursery from 2 for 2 days per week, so I’m not against it, I just don’t see the point unless you need to.

Ours was called play group too, which I initially overlooked because where I am from, playgroup is what I would call a stay and play.

Nurseries are actually relatively new. Prior to that parents and extended family looked after the children. Turned out OK for most people. Neither of us went to nursery when we were little and I don't know if there even was one near me.

Only you can make that decision

From personal experience 25/26 of my daughter's reception class were all in pre school together next door last year. The one that was in nursery/SAHP struggled a lot longer than the others at settling in. I'd imagine it was mostly of it being unfamiliar and not knowing the others. We've found the setting to be brilliant but I wasn't sure initially. However over time the pre school did activities with reception and were immersed into the school culture (church services, school day events etc) which made a massive difference. DD started at 3 1/2 on three school days a week and I put DS in literally as he turned 2 years 9 months for four days a week. I work three days a week during school hours so for us as a family it's a good fit and then just scrabbling for the annual leave and parental support during the school holidays.

At age 3 they really do need more stimulation than just parents & grandparents, pre school has been invaluable and I would definitely look for pre schools over nurseries

Just a thought it might be worth asking about places for a summer / September start rather than January.

Kids move on in summer, parents will time holidays to reduce fees. Nurseries might not be willing to keep a space empty until January if they can fill it in September.

Even if that were true (and I'm 40 and did a Montessori year as did most of my class, but that was Ireland), OP's DC isn't growing up when you did, they're growing up now. Nowadays it's very unusual for DC to go from the home straight to primary school and so they risk their DC being out of step with the rest of the class.

It isn't the end of the world, I know people bang on about it and how wonderful nurseries are but it is relatively recent for so many children to be in childcare so early.

I'm a 1950s baby and didn't go to nursery, day one at school and I was just handed over and left with this strange woman. She was a lovely teacher and 65 years later I still remember her. I had no problems settling in. I started having babies in the 70s. People don't always realise that was a low period for nursery places, well it was in my city. Lots of nurseries had opened during the war and gradually through the 50s and 60s they closed down and in the late 60s and the 70s there was very little and what there was generally went to kids who were referred by social services. Hence the birth of the playgroup movement.

So my kids were happy at home with me (part time job) dad or gran. They were fine in fact I kept mine at home till they started school at 8. Various reasons but that was just how it worked out. Home schooling was more unusual then so I got lots of shock. They started school and were fine, they passed the 11 plus, they went to university, they got first class degrees and post grad qualifications.

Your little one will be fine.

A child does not need a group of children of her own age for development.

You're in the fantastic position of not needing to send your child to a nursery or childminder. So don't! Enjoy your time with her. These early years go so fast.

As a single parent who works FT I had no choice but to send DD to nursery and I hated it! She cried every day at drop off. She was exhausted as she was there 7.30- 6pm. It was a dreadful way to live!

If I was you I definitely wouldn't send her to a nursery that I wasn't happy with. Why put your precious child in a place you don't like? Just keep her at home and take her to playgroups and activities where she'll be interacting with other children her age.

You can teach her numbers, letters and how to write her name. Everything else will be covered in Reception.

When one of mine started school at 8 never having been to nursery/pre school/keystage 1 school, the teacher said she felt her career had been a waste of time. I asked why and she said she had just moved from teaching reception and having my child for a term she suddenly realised that he had learned in a term what the other kids had done in 3 years and it had made her question why we are pushing children when they are so young.

I’d try to get her into the school nursery, get on all the waiting lists and hope something comes up. Failing that lots of groups with kids her own age including drop off ones like ballet, swimming, gymnastics. I think socialisation, interacting with her peer group, separation from you and following instructions in a group setting are really important prep for school that otherwise she’d be missing out on.