To think pooled finances are probably only for long term couples who met young?

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I'm in my 40's and know a lot of long term (20 + years with and without kids) couples, not all of course but most where finances are all pooled and there isn't really any differentiation between "my money and your money" so to speak.

Do you think I am right to think that this doesn't really happen for couples who meet that bit later in life and typically finances are not pooled in the same way?

I am currently single and can't imagine totally pooling my finances with someone else giving them complete access to my money at this point. However I could see that if I was with someone I'd been with since I was 20 I'd probably be ok with doing this.

Anyone else noticed this difference or feel this way?

Getting together later, I had a house with far more equity, earned more, had a very strong sense of independence.

We did have a joint account though, for all household and family shopping, kids stuff, holidays, days out, everything except our personal spending.

Maybe I'm weird but I met DH when I was 34, now 37, he was 52 now 55 and our finances are altogether, basically since we got married 😊

@Wishlist99 · Today 20:35

I think it comes down to if you’re married or not. It could be the lawyer in me but I look at it from the perspective of if you’re married it’s all matrimonial property so you might as well pool it and if you’re unmarried you need to be very careful what you’re putting in to the pot.

Yeah this. Me and DH have been together around 30 years, and have pooled finances for about 20 of them. He used to want this my money/your money thing, but that was because he earned more and wanted more to himself. I worked too but part time as I was the main childcarer. I found it unfair, but he thought as he earned more he deserved more money. (He was immature and selfish many yeas ago.) I started to earn more when the kids started school, and he changed jobs and earned less, (so we were fairly equal,) and we started pooling finances not long after.

I know a couple who have been together 20 years, never married, both 58, no kids, and they have separate finances, always have. Bought a house together about 8 years ago, pay 50-50 for everything even though he earns a third more than her. When they go to the pub, he gets his and her drinks from the bar - his cost £5 and hers cost £4. He sits there while she tips out her pennies to give the £4 back to him.

He also came back from Morrisons the other week when I was in their house and said 'the shopping came to £6.80, you owe me £3.40. It makes me cringe. FFS, the few items you bought cost less than seven quid, just pay for them! Then she can get the next few 'bits' you need.

My 35 y.o. niece has been with her husband 16 years (married 8, one child age 3,) and they started pooling finances when the baby came 3 years ago.

Brother and SIL - early 40s, married 17 years pool everything.

Couple across the road (48-49 y.o.) and who are our friends, are not married, and have been together 21 years. One son aged 12. They split everything 50-50, and have totally separate finances...

So it's not an age thing, but does seem to depend if they are married.

This reminds me - I saw something that made me both cringe, and also feel sad in equal measures the other week. A woman and a man (around 35,) were at the checkout in a supermarket with 2 small children around 5-6. He spoke to the cashier and said he wanted a 10 item breakfast with coffee, extra toast, butter, jam etc etc. It was about £9 altogether. He paid the £9. Then he stood where he was. The woman said she wanted 2 small breakfasts and 2 fruit shoots for her 2 kids, and she had a banana for herself. She also used 2 vouchers for free fruit shoots. She paid around £8.

So she was paying for herself and the 2 children, and going without proper food herself, while HE had a big fat 10 item breakfast. I thought for a second 'maybe he is not their father...' Then she said 'go on kids, go with daddy to find a table.' So it appears he only paid for himself, and she (the mother) paid for their children, and had nothing herself, but a banana!

I thought how fucking sad, watching the mother of your children pay for them, use vouchers to save some money, and have barely fuck-all herself. It may have been that she was on a serious diet, and the money for his breakfast, and the kids meals (and her banana,) came out of the same account. But I doubt it. They would have paid for it all altogether if that had been the case IMO.

But yeah tl;dr, I know younger couples who pool finances, and others who have separate finances. And also older couples who have been together 30 years who pool finances, and others the same age who don't. I don't think it's an age thing, but it definitely depends if they're married IME.

Been with my DH for 11 years, since we were 19. We have a joint account with all joint bills including mortgage, utilities, food, subscription, dog food, insurances etc we both put equal amounts in to cover these each month. The rest of our money is our own to spend on what we wish, save what we wish (although we both aim for £100pm).

We take turns paying for lunches, takeaways etc, and if one of us is a bit shorter of a month the other will compensate. But we both live to our own money, and I think it's important not to rely on each other financially. We are very trusting and have a lot of respect for each other and our relationship, but financially responsibility is important to both of us.

Been together since early 20s

joint bank account when we got married

never had a yours or mine attitude

always both had a good salary but I didn’t work for 10 yrs with children

never been an issue

Shared assets with Exdh but am now divorced. I own a nice house/ car have no debt apart from mortgage, decent income. I think I would struggle to share with anyone. I want the house to go to the kids. My ex was a higher earner but financially irresponsible so we were often skint. I feel much happier being in control of my finances.

I agree with you. I was at a dinner where it came up in conversation that DH and I, who met later in life (both had houses, he had children) did not combine finances. Another couple in their 60s who had met later in life too said they operate their finances very similarly to us.

A couple who met at uni and have been married for 40 years were shocked as they've always combined everything.

I'm pretty happy with the way our finances work. I imagined combining everything when I was younger but now really wouldn't want to.

You’re right based on my circumstance. Dh i met when we were in uni, (19 and 21 years). We had nothing. We married 4 years later and we opened a joint account immediately which we still use now (13 years later). Money and resources are mostly pooled though we both still have some personal savings as well.

Agree with this, including the 'once bitten, twice shy' theory. I also think if one or both of you already has kids from a previous relationship that you will be less likely to pool finances as you want your assets that you've built up before meeting your new partner to go to your kids. And a childless partner might not want to feel they're subsidising your ex-partner's kids.

Together 18 years ,marriaged 16 both high earners. We share financial decisions but have separate accounts . We like to be able to buy the other a gift as a surprise and each manage our money .
we each pay certain bills and are very open about where we are . It is shared money but in separate accounts.

Ours is all pooled. We've been together since 21. I had substantial savings & DH had nothing - he literally couldn't keep a dollar in his account past payday. I refused to pool until he learned good money management.

Where we live (Aus) living together for between 6-12 months usually gives you the same legal status as married, so not pooling is usually about day to day control of money.

I'm in relationship where we are looking to move in together , both previously divorced, we won't have pooled finances, outgoings will be split. I'm far too used to having my financial independence.

I think you're right, OP. DH and I met in our late 20's, our finances are pooled, we are now in our late 40's.

I can absolutely imagine that if I were single now and starting a new relationship, that I'd be wary about merging finances. There's too many variables now (my child, whether or not that person had children, investments, property, outstanding debts).

DH and I merging finances works also because we have similar attitudes towards spending; neither of us are chucking it all away on a new expensive hobby or whatever pops up on threads on MN from time to time.

(FWIW if you are in your 20s and you have a partner who does that sort of thing, absolutely re-evaluate how you handle your finances! Finances are one of the top reasons relationships break down, and people will tell you you're being boring for worrying about them but you are not. Marriage is a partnership, just like a business)

We have a spreadsheet so know who has what assets. We do not have a joint account. Been together for 27 year and married for 25, I was 31 when we got together and DH 29. We make big financial decisions together, but I like the flexibility of most decisions being my own. Also as pointed out by another poster you need separate accounts if you can max out ISA allowances. I think asset amount probably has quite a lot to do with how people mix money. We had both already done some investing.

Been with my DP for 10 years, both in our 50's.Our finances are completely separate. Both contribute to household bills but our personal money remains our own.

We don't earn the same amount though either.

In a way, yes.
my DH is my economic partner. We weren’t particularly young when we married, but still young enough that we entered the marriage with no children and had a child together. Our mutual goal is to provide the best economic base for our shared child.

if something happens with my relationship, either dissolution or death, my goal of providing the best economic base for our shared child remains unchanged. I can’t pool money again because that would interfere with my ability to help my child, even when she is an adult. I want to be free to make the choice to help her financially if I think it is appropriate and to leave her any assets that may remain upon my death.

that doesn’t mean I can’t have an additional romantic relationship, but I am actual partnership seems impossible. No one else could ever share my life goals.

Sometimes not even then though! Met DH in 20s, now 40s, 2 kids. Never pooled finances. Always been happier to keep it separate.

Depends on whether you join each others lives completely. My parents (parent and stepparent) met when they were 40. Married by 42 and finances were always pooled.

I met my now husband at 20 and we pooled finances completely when we moved in together. I may have been influenced by my parents.

Together 20 years. Married nearly that. Iwas in my 20s , he was 30s.Joint account + separate accounts + separate savings (not that that that amounts to much). We'd both been burned before. I earn about a third more than dh these days (but jointly still nowhere near the magic mn 6 figures), so I tend to pay for more random spends too.

My mum used to joke about having a run away fund. I've always taken it seriously.

You are probably right, but add that if you meet in your 30s you are also likely to have been in a long term relationship which went to shit already so you will be more cynical.

Dp and I met in our 30s, been together 4 years and having a baby. Totally separate finances. We have Splitwise and keep track of joint spending. I don't care what he does with his savings.

We each had significant assets already and there is a large disparity in income and how we manage our money between us. I have also been fucked over by my exH (divorced at 29) so I will never ever pool my money entirely with someone. Fuck that.

Yes I can understand. DH and I met as teenagers. Everything we have, we have built together, we brought no money or assets into the relationship, have supported each others' careers, and have each been the higher earner at different times. Makes it very easy to just see everything as joint and not hold resentment. That said, we still get our wages paid into our own accounts because I just think adults need their own accounts, then we pool, and then we take some personal spends (same amount each) to each spend guilt free.

We met in our 40s and we're now married with separate finances. Works for us

True of us. Met as teens, lived together almost straight away. He was working, I was in sixth form. So our finances have always been joint.

Agreed. I shared finances when I was younger, but like hell would I do that now.

I'm more cynical having been screwed over by men before, I have my own assets now and I'm a higher earner. No way I am giving half of what I have to anyone who rocks up at this stage in my life. They've done nothing to earn that as they haven't been with me during the difficult years. My assets are going to my family when I die, as they've supported me in the years in which I've become a self-made woman.

TBH, I'm not sure I'd live with anyone again, as 1) I don't want to and 2) it's the only way to be 100% sure they don't have a claim on your home.

It's bloody difficult buying, and as a woman who has clawed her way onto the property ladder without any help from anyone else, the thought of losing half of that makes me feel sick. I could only afford to buy my own home once I got rid of the millstone ex around my neck, and having nearly been held back by a man, the idea of losing half of it to another man is just too much to bear.

im not sure if it’s age - I think children really make a big difference - if you only have children together shared makes most sense, it’s all for them anyway 🙈 but if you have children from previous relationships it would be different I imagine. Hubby and I married in early thirties and completely shared finances post marriage even before i was a sahm. I also think attitude toward marriage is a factor. We would both take marriage seriously, not many divorced in extended family/friends circle so that might also play a role - you’d probably be more cautious if divorce more common in your family perhaps?