To think pooled finances are probably only for long term couples who met young?

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I'm in my 40's and know a lot of long term (20 + years with and without kids) couples, not all of course but most where finances are all pooled and there isn't really any differentiation between "my money and your money" so to speak.

Do you think I am right to think that this doesn't really happen for couples who meet that bit later in life and typically finances are not pooled in the same way?

I am currently single and can't imagine totally pooling my finances with someone else giving them complete access to my money at this point. However I could see that if I was with someone I'd been with since I was 20 I'd probably be ok with doing this.

Anyone else noticed this difference or feel this way?

I think you’re probably right; DH and I have been together since university, and living together for most of that time. We didn’t go to joint finances until we had DC in our 30s though. It just feels strange to be splitting bills as if you’re flatmates when you have children, and I find it hard to understand couples who do that.

currently we both put an agreed amount into the joint account, which covers bills/food/kids; we also jointly have savings. We have separate disposable income for bike bits (him) and Vinted bargains (me), and we’re happy to spend that as we wish.

If I were starting over with a new partner I’d be a lot less willing to join finances, because I’d need to prioritise my DC first.

I think it comes down to if you’re married or not. It could be the lawyer in me but I look at it from the perspective of if you’re married it’s all matrimonial property so you might as well pool it and if you’re unmarried you need to be very careful what you’re putting in to the pot.

my dh and I contributed to the household on a percentage of income basis when we first moved in ; when we married it all went into one pot and that’s how we’ve done it ever since.

Probably quite a lot of truth in that.

You need to share goals and have a similar attitude to money.

DH and I have been together 29 years this year and have had joint accounts since we moved in together.

We have always worked well as a team and it has benefited both of us to pool resources.

If anything happened and I end up single, I won’t be sharing my accounts with anyone else🤣 I think it is very different when you come to a relationship with significant assets.

I tend to agree.

My only marriage was a relationship of over 32 years. Young, fully committed in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.

We divorced and split assets 50:50, children were adults and we remain friends with adults children.

Met a man 5 years ago. We date. We have no financial ties at all. It's completely different. Initially I earnt more than him, I paid for more. I've hit hard times financially lately and you can see the gulf. We are not a partnership in any way shape or form. We are dating. That's it. I'm generous and tip and shared throughout our dating. He's always been careful. He would never help me out financially even though he could even if I lost my home. It's completely different and not united at all against the world. I will get back into great finances again I know for a fact. Its short term only.

In my opinion total commitment is in every way. In together good or bad regardless of everything. In it against the world is imo for people who are totally committed.

I think you’re right OP. We met at 18 (now 44) and everything we've earned we have built together. I still waited 10 years to get a joint account though and we still have separate accounts as well. If I met someone new not only would I not pool finances, I also would never move in together - 14 years of reading mumsnet has made me utterly fearful of any man who I haven’t known since my teens!

So for a different kind of example, my SIL (my brothers wife) they have been together since they were 18 and 19, so almost 30 years. Both educated to MA level, no children. SIL worked in various roles in her 20's and then was a trailing spouse in her 30's doing bits and pieces of work essentially want she wanted to do. When they settled back in the UK SIL retrained in an fine art and now makes some money doing that but they essentially live on DB's income (savings are in both their names even though it is mostly DB's money)and she can spend it as she sees fit obviously she is very reasonable about money. She also keeps the home and does most of the cooking.

In a long term couple this kind of arrangement seems unremarkable to me but there is no way I'd expect to ever be kept like this by a partner even if they were wealthy at my age nor would I expect to do it for them. To me this seems by and large the preserve of couples who have been together since they were very young.

I think you do have a point. Long term couples who have been together for a long time and never had that experience of being blindsided or betrayed by a partner just won't have the same cynical outlook those of us who have been have. I wouldn't risk what I have built for myself over 20 years for a man I maybe have only known a short while and I wouldn't expect a man in his 40's to do that for me or to support my financially, it does seem to be different for couples who have been together their whole lives. I am not sure if I envy that a bit, I think I do but the time for all that has come and gone for me.

Like you say they are lucky to be able to totally trust and to be able to rely on their partner in a way that can seem naïve to others but I suppose there are just some people who win the relationship lottery early on.

Guessing you're not a family lawyer?
The legal position of matrimonial property has no bearing on immediate access. For example it's illegal to use a spouse's bank card without permission. On the flipside, it's also legal for one half of a couple to clean out the joint account.
The other can get it back... but not without a court battle or some other legal proceeding. That's not going to help with immediate expenses.

It's definitely more stage of life rather than age thinking about the couples i know well. We pooled money when we got married and had kids.. on the basis that everything is legally "ours" anyway at that point and we both went part time, but me more so. We have been at varying stages of who earns more and I wouldn't like to think of us in a vastly different financial place when we are both contributing to our family, whether that is one of us having loads of disposable income or a huge savings pot.

That said, if I was with someone irresponsible with money I would definitely do it differently.

I’m 47 and my partner is 68. We are together three years and moved in together last Christmas. I wouldn’t dream of pooling our finances. We even do separate shops because we don’t eat the same kind of food.

We have a joint account for bills but mostly keep separate finances. We met at 29 and 31 and married 5 years later.

For us, part of it is because we each have investments and file tax returns so it’s just easier to keep it clear who owns what. Having said that we don’t keep track of who pays for what for day to day expenses and everything big comes out of joint account.

I think you’re probably right. DH and I have 3 children and have been together since I was 23 and we have always pooled finances. Neither of us brought much to the relationship financially and have built what we have together (even though I’ve been a SAHM for the last few years and he would massively out earn me if I was working). We view the money as joint and we have made our life and home together

We only pooled our money about 6 months after our eldest was born and it became obvious that my income was going to take a massive hit. We had already been together for 14 years by that point. We probably would have kept separate finances otherwise.

I don't think that's how it's meant to be. You're supposed to each have your own accounts but then have one joint account to pay all the main bills with that's always been my understanding anyway.

I wouldn’t pool again. In my late 40s. But I have kids and my partner doesn’t. However, I want us both to have a similar standard of living and to look out for each other and be fair. It’s not about accumulating lots of cash for myself. But I need to cover my kid costs independently etc.

Yes, totally agree. Met my dh 41 years ago when we were both students. We didn't have a lot and so have worked for everything we have together.

If the unthinkable happened & I became a widow I wouldn't rule out a new relationship. But no way would I be wiling to pool everything dh & I worked for. Whatever dh & I have is for our dc if we're lucky not to go into a care home. I wouldn't risk it going to another man & his dc or to pay off his debts.

The situation you detailed does look like us. I met dh when I was 21 and he was 23 and we joined finances when we got married 18 months later. That's worked for us over two decades. I can't figure out how people equitably raise children with varying salaries and income penalties for maternity? Everything we have is shared.

To be fair their are no set rules and I am sure lots of couple do it the way you suggest, I would probably do that at this stage if I did get married or cohabit with a partner as well but its also not the "done thing" as such either.

I think my point is more that a situation where a couple have been together since they are 20 they seems to be much more likely to see themselves as a single unit and provided nobody is crazy about money they are more likely to just pool it all and have totally joint finances in a way that becomes less and less common as one gets older and has more independent assets.

Are you me?! This is exactly our situation too. Met in our 20s over 20 years ago and approach to our own money and how we pay bills is exactly the same.

he earns approx 3X what i do, so he pays in more in terms of percentage to the joint bills pot. Works for us!

My husband and I pool. We didn’t both come with nothing. In fact I had considerably more. We were and are however investing in a joint future together because we have children. If we split and I met someone else I wouldn’t do it with them.

If you’re married that separate pot is jointly owned.

Yup married at 18 and 22, 45 years ago. We argue about many things but have always shared a bank account without issues. Sometimes he was the high earner, sometimes it was me. I think shared resources are a sign of a trusting relationship.

We met when we were 20 and pool funds. We don’t have one joint account that everything goes into. We each have a separate account which our salaries are paid into. 90% of bills (there’s some which were easier to set up from our own accounts) come from the joint so we both put money into that to cover it. We leave a small amount in each of our own accounts for whatever we need in the month.

We both had nothing when we met. I now earn half of what DH earns but he doesn’t have more personal money than I do. I view it as I couldn’t make some career choices based on needing to account for DH’s career. I now work less hours than DH but with more flexibility, which is needed to make childcare work for us. I wouldn’t want to not share finances while my earning potential is limited by the need for flexibility.

If I were to divorce and remarry, I would probably still look to share joint bills. I doubt it would be the same situation as I have now. This would probably be proportional to income but I’d have the complication of a child to consider. I would need to make sure they are financially protected in the event of my death but also recognises the wealth generation when in a couple compared to single. I don’t want to be transferring half the bills or my portion of the bills and splitting everything. I also had a relative die and their spouse struggle with accessing accounts and funds to pay bills. That is part of the reason that everything comes from a joint account and all services are held in both our names. I guess part of it would also depend on my second spouse though, what their long term goals were, their approach to spending and what they consider “small”.

Got married early 40s. We have completely merged finances.

@Pluvas I'm sure it does happen but it is probably rare for later in life couples.