To think pooled finances are probably only for long term couples who met young?

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I'm in my 40's and know a lot of long term (20 + years with and without kids) couples, not all of course but most where finances are all pooled and there isn't really any differentiation between "my money and your money" so to speak.

Do you think I am right to think that this doesn't really happen for couples who meet that bit later in life and typically finances are not pooled in the same way?

I am currently single and can't imagine totally pooling my finances with someone else giving them complete access to my money at this point. However I could see that if I was with someone I'd been with since I was 20 I'd probably be ok with doing this.

Anyone else noticed this difference or feel this way?

Cynically, I would say if you've been lucky enough to meet a loving long term partner at a young age and are still with them, you are likely to think that they would never fuck you over, or mess around with money, because you've just not had the experience of an adult relationship breakdown where people turn nasty, or where hidden colours, secret habits etc get revealed. You trust the other person implicitly, because that's all you've ever known/experienced.
People who have had breakups in their adult lives are surely likely to be more cautious, because you know that once upon a time you'd have sworn on your kids lives that 'Dave would never leave us in a shit position' only to be greeted by the harsh reality that Dave has put all the joint savings on bitcoin secretly and lost the lot.
Think of all the poor women on the Relationships forum who are totally, utterly convinced that there CANNOT be another women, only to find out that there is.

To be clear, I'm not calling people who have been in secure long term relationships since they were young, foolish or naive - just saying you are probably less jaded than the rest of us!

I’ve been with my partner since I was 21 although he was 30 at the time, 10 years. I never have and never will pool finances. Our attitude to finance and respective salaries/assets are very different, I see no reason I should see no additional benefit from my stressful education/career and years of careful saving.

We have a mutual pot, I’m sure the specifics of what is paid in will change with our circumstances/as needed. But what I have build for myself independently will remain my own regardless.

Yes agreed, this was me and DH, met when I was 18, him 22.

Always pooled and works well for us.

Completely pooled with DH1 - but then we earned about the same and had nothing to bring in - no kids. I did earn about 20K more and he wasn't great with doing household stuff, which is one of the reasons we split. But i don't think having separate accounts would have made any difference.

DH2 We met at 28, married at 31, both owned our own homes. Me high earner, him slightly higher - but with more potential. Tried to go back at six months and it didn't work as he couldn't manage to do any childcare at all. I took a step back and we pooled. I have to admit that it took me a couple of years to get used to spending someone else's money. DH is now a very high earner.

I always kept my own account; but there were five years where I didn't work at all and it basically paid for presents for him and my family and frivolous things. If DH had had to reign back, he would have earned a lot less than he would have done otherwise and now I'm back at work.

I think if you're a family everything should be together.

Met in our 20's over 20 years ago.

We have a shared pot - where bills come out of - and separate accounts.

I think anyone who puts all their money in one pot is in a risky position - I can't imagine not having my own money.

Well, with all due respect, I think that's a bit of a silly question.

How does anyone know how other couples manage their finances?

Most of us aren't that nosey.

Married very young. We never pooled finances as such. We have an account for bills (didn't need one for saving as we were broke). We both pay in percentage of our wage and have the same amount left to keep. Still same set up but now with joint savings and our own savings. Should we split tomorrow we both have our own pot as such

Typical mumsnet😂

We met at met at 37 and 39, with our own independent successful careers and me with two kids already and we have completely pooled finances.

Why?

Horses for courses I think - different people have different rationales.

DH and I don’t share finances. We contribute an equal (large percentage) of our incomes to cover day-to-day expenses.

But we don’t share everything. Why?

I don’t want either of us to be having an opinion on what the other does with their money - it’s an independence thing I think.

If he wants to spend £2k on something… I don’t want to feel that’s from a shared pot. His money, his choice. Ditto if I fancy blowing £500 on a jacket, he doesn’t need to know.

Funnily enough, neither of us mind if the other spends ‘big money’ on fripperies - but I think it might be an issue if was from a perceived shared fund this was taken from.

We both have good incomes though - so perhaps that impacts this choice.

We are reaching the point where we are rationalising both working vs childcare… that makes it more complicated. I think financial independence is so important though. A tough one.

Me and DH have been together 18 years, married for 13 this year. We’ve always had a joint account for house related bills but then kept our own accounts for other spending. I’d find it weird to pool everything but I know people who do and it seems to work in most cases. That said I do know someone who is married to a twat and controls and monitors her spending from their joint account!

I think it’s a first marriage vs subsequent marriage thing too. I’m divorced and shared with my ex but would never share with a future partner because I have kids so my finances are complicated now.

DH and I got married when I was 33, he was 34, and we have pooled finances. We both have multiple separate accounts of all kinds, but money is viewed as ours whoever it is and however it was generated. We spend our money how we please without asking permission. No criticism of each other's spending and we agree on financial priorities.

@Alstreena has a point though.
MN's definition of 'pool' is rigid. All in one pot, no questions asked. I doubt that many do this even though so many on here claim to.
Also, bearing in mind that it's been less than 100 years before women were allowed to even hold our own bank accounts. Or have equal pay. Many might have pooled because it's what their parents and grandparents did.

Even if both salaries went into one account, and you took out an amount of 'personal' spending that's separate money!

DH and I (met early twenties) are aware that money is shared but like most we're not rich enough to spend as we like on a joint! By putting personal spends into our own account we're aware of the amount we have to splurge with. Among other things.

I don't know. We've been together nearly 25 years and have never pooled finances, or have intentions to.

I can't imagine having kids and not pooling resources.

It’s just called cohabiting though, isn’t it?

@CalisthenicsOnDemand "MN's definition of 'pool' is rigid. All in one pot, no questions asked"

Apols - I'm new to MN and didn't realise that this was the default position.

It's a bit surprising when there are all the threads about 'feminism' and 'independent women' 🤔

We fully pool everything, we married in our late 20’s/early 30’s. But we both owner our own property when we met, me a mortgage home, him on mortgaged home, a holiday home and another home outright. As soon as we got married all money was pooled.

I think a big factor is how much money the household is bringing in.

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and are both high earners so affordability is never an issue therefore we’ve never really felt the need to pool resources. We tend to roughly split stuff down the middle but don’t keep a record of it. We do though try and ensure that assets, savings and investments are split roughly 50/50 in each of our names for fairness.

The idea of having a joint bank account would feel weird and unnecessary to us.

It really is! Also a lot of threads with smug 'I don't see why people would have it any other way!'

It's also silly because in 2024 most things require cards and it's basic common sense to not have only one bank account, with 2 cards that will leave you stranded in case it's not working. Also, accounts like ISAs are savings allowances per person... how would you achieve that with 'only' a joint?

In reality most people understand that it's shared and have yours/mine for free spend and proportioning. Even if it's not all in one pot. The mindset is important here not the number of bank accounts.

I'm late 30s out of my friends only 3 couples completely pool money (so all into 1 pot amd everything comes out of that pot).
Most pay into a joint pot based on ratio for bills but keep own account as well.

For my friends at least it seems to allow harmony as many have outdoor hobbies and therefore the kit which comes along with it!

Yes I agree. Dh and I moved in together at 22 when we graduated and have always shared money.

We met in our mid and late 20s and always pooled everything together. However it wasnt because we had more or less similar amount of money. In fact I had significantly more money than he did ( around £150k more) but everything just felt right.

I knew there could be a risk but I was happy to share everything and take the risk. To be honest if I didnt feel right to pool our money together I wouldnt have married him. I really dont like the idea of having to calculate and separate everything as a married couple.

We are now in our early 40s and late 30s. For us it was the right decision. He is a wonderful husband and great dad. He has become a high earner now and I am a SAHM. We have 100% transparency and shared access to everything. We have never argued over money.