To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

"My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’."

What does he mean by 'let it go'? Because if it involved visiting her, and serving up my DD to her - my answer would be 'no'.

I agree with you OP. I don’t think anyone, child or adult, needs to eat anything they don’t want to (unless a doctor has specifically told you otherwise).

We live in a country with an over abundance of food. Overeating is such a massive issue and causes a host of health problems. No need to encourage ignoring hunger cues in childhood unless there is a specific issue.

I think you were right to have stuck up for your DD & shouted at your MIL first for trying to make her have food she did not like or want ( I have been through this as a kid myself and even been force fed it's bloody awful) and second for the manhandling. I wouldn't have gone and sat in the car though, I would have stayed in the house but taken my child to the room we were staying in and made sure she was ok and then gone to speak my MIL quietly myself after we'd all had a bit of space & calmed down. Then she should have apologised, I appreciate that this is me speaking with hindsight, maybe in the moment I wouldn't have been so rational, as protecting your kids is of paramount importance and your inner mamma bear comes out doesn't it.
I suggest you leave it a short while, just a week or so before you communicate again, but next time you speak to her make sure you're face to face with your DH present and stay calm and measured, do not not raise your voice just stay on even keel. Don't text or phone for things like this it's never a good option or outcome.

I totally agree with you (as someone with a LONG history of eating disorders). My own mum was like your MIL, and I've made sure I do things very differently with my daughter

Are you the MIL? (Or MY mother...mum, is that you? 😂).

The choices are not force feed a child when they're hungry/don't like what's on offer OR starve them.

well of course manhandling to the extent of bruising if terrible and she should have been stopped which you did.

But from your description you do sound like you have now overkilled. MIL is old fashioned. So is mine. My parents insist our children must stay on the table for three hours. We do what we want, but also compromise a little when we are there. Thats what family is. We dont end up going non contact. You can find a common communication mechanism that doesnt end up in a fight.

You already made your stance, and she sounds like she accepted it. Why are you continuing on not seeing them and preventing a relationship? Has this been an excuse for you and you wanted to cut off anyway? Or do you really believe in your heart that your months of non contact is so much deserved because of this fish incident? Is it worth your child not having a grandmother because of this one incident?

You didnt talk about what you DH thinks of this, or whether your own parents are in the picture.

Forcing children to eat food never works. I remember having my mother and grandfather force me to eat rabbit stew as a child.

The racist thing makes no sense, but otherwise YANBU.

The answer surely is that you or your Dd are only ever with her if your DH is also present and primed to police behaviour toward you both.

Can’t get past the bruise and fish head dripfeeds.

He needs to know he doesn’t get to leave you and Dd with MIL and go off to football again. Yes, fine to see MIL again but he always has to be there, and ready to jump in if she tries anything like this again.

I mean in context of op saying if you was racist I wouldn’t have to point out you where racist isn’t wrong. She used it as an example.

You could go for it via consent instead if you wish. The child had consent to stop eating and leaving the table. The grandmother had no consent to touch nor try to force feed the child after the op had told her not too.

No means no. No consent is no consent.

Or are we saying that no only means no depending on who says no to who despite it being a clear no from one adult to another adult.

The grandmother has no right to decide to override the child’s parent. She was explicitly told no and she disregarded it because she wanted to and thought she had more authority. Then actually harmed the child.

I mean in context of op saying if you was racist I wouldn’t have to point out you where racist isn’t wrong. She used it as an example.
Still makes zero sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

sorry after bruising yor child your husband says its te way she is?

does e realise that nursery could report it to ss

shes assaulted yur child i woldnt be going there or apologising

But I’m assuming you want to get more drama out of this and will want to stop your dh from visiting with her…. Precisely

The OP explained...

She was picked up from her toy kicking and screaming (as toddlers do) after eating a few mouthfuls of fish and chips (fish in its entirety inc head). Which I wouldn't have touched, personally

So we don't need clarification

Because, the same in every thread, we have the OP's word and no evidence to suggest she's lying

It is not generational and we don't know how old MiL is, do we?

She DID try the food!!!!

And do you eat fish and chips with the head of the fish still on?

The OP has explained all this

@OhmygodDont The 'racist' example /analogy still makes absolutely no sense and probably made things worse.

Just on the racism thing - my Gran used to use a racist word - completely normal to use it in the 1950s, completely unacceptable in the 1990s.
I remember me and my siblings had to sit her down and tell her she couldn't use that word anymore as it was offensive, explained it to her and she was deeply embarrassed / ashamed. So to be clear, my gran DID have to be told as she didn't know any different.

OP seems to think that the MIL should just know that parenting styles / practices have moved on and she shouldn't need to explain them to her - which I think is wrong. OP could use this as a teachable moment to her MIL instead of holding it against her.

As I said earlier, OP did the right thing in removing herself & her DD away from the situation.

sorry not the point of the thread but this question And do you eat fish and chips with the head of the fish still on? is too funny.

😂 I get for a child they may not like to see it, but for an adult why is it such a scandal? you dont have to eat the head you know? have you ever visited countries like Italy, where they can gulp a whole small fried fish entire? it is yummy.

I was wondering if something like this had happened. You're safeguarding your child by not allowing them to be unsupervised in the company of the person who held them tightly enough that the child had visible bruising two days later. Did your husband tell his parents about this? It's a wonder you've not had social services involvement.

I bloody wouldn't let it go and I think leaving the house would have been a better option than giving MiL an earful in front of the child which would have been my first instinct. This coming on top of previous criticism of the parents' parenting choices would have been verging on the last straw and the accusation that the OP was ruining MiL's relationship with her som and grandchild would have been it. I am an adult and if I thought I would be getting xxx for a meal and instead was given yyy, then I'd not be happy either. Stick to your guns OP. I might not require an apology but I would be setting rules and enforcing them....and I wouldn't be giving a flying fart about amicable relationships!

I imagine millions of people communicate with their child about what they will be eating at some point later in the day.

The racism comment/analogy is silly and overcomplicated and inflamed everything imo. Also I agree with not making your DD eat but my children (6 and 3) would know to sit at the table until everyone was finished eating and would be happy to do so, very basic good manners.
However that is for you to challenge if your child is being rude, you are definitely not being unreasonable to be angry about your MIL manhandling and bruising your child.

I've never been more thankful for my own MIL than after reading this thread! Of course YANBU. It’s not MILs place to enforce her own parenting views and of course you are right anyway not to force a 3 year old to sit and eat food she doesn’t want. The number of people on this thread who seem to think that would be okay is shocking to me as this is really not in line with professional advice on how to foster healthy eating habits.