To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare but you come across as very self righteous about your parenting style

I do always ask what my grandchildrens preferred food is before they visit . But my parents and grandparents would never have done that . Having been through a war and rashions etc I don’t think they understood choice .we had set meals every day and we ate them or went hungry basically . And that included rabbits / pheasants etc.

No Excuse for man handling though

Because it's written rather than filmed, vocab makes it hard to tell?

Your MIL could've said she was gently guiding your child to the table when her DIL started yelling/raging violently, scaring the child

It's a fairly reasonable / healthy expectation for a child to stay at the table to finish their meal tbh. Of course every parent has the right to choose, but your MIL isn't automatically insane or abusive for having the same expectation as billions of other parents

You've done the right thing, OP.

And for those who didn't read the updates, even the 3 year old's nursery flagged up the bruised arm 2 days later which means she had to have been grabbed quite hard by the MIL. OP was there and is well aware of what caused it, and it is a safeguarding concern.

So what did she have later?

Yanbu. I also strongly believe in not making children eat if they don't want to and frankly dont care if its rude and for her to manhandle her is absolutely out of order. I'm glad you and dh are on the same page. I'd give it some more thought and if you choose to continue contact it certainly shouldn't be unsupervised.

Self righteous because she fed her daughter when she was hungry and not forced her to eat something she didn't want to? Seriously?? God almighty.

YANBU op. Doesn’t matter if mil disagrees with your parenting, not her child not her place to intervene. (Unless say the child was in danger of hurting themselves, other people/pets or property, then stepping in, without hurting the child is acceptable).

I was force fed food as a child and not allowed to leave the table until my plate was clear. It gave me a disordered relationship with food and I struggle to leave food on the plate when I’m full. I use to binge then fast.

I would only see MIL in neutral territory in the future, the park, where she has less opportunity to be overbearing to a 3 year old

I have never been a fussy eater, when I was a kid I’d eat most things or at least give them a go. To this day I can’t eat peas because I was forced to eat them at school when I was 5. They were cold and gross and smelled funny. I know it sounds silly but the aversion I have to them isn’t just like “ew I don’t like them” they make me feel physically sick and kind of make me cringe. I think you did the right thing with the food. I know so many people who have food that they hate because of a time they were forced to eat it as a child.

with me its cabbage and anything cabbagey

If your dynamic with your MIL is anything like mine with my MIL's, you're a woman challenging her authority in the one domain (homesteading/ family life) where she's used to being dominant. It doesn't go down well.

You can choose to fight her, or disengage (I chose the latter).

The reason for her accusation that you've ruined her relationship with her son/grandchild, is that in challenging her authority, you've made a dent in it. It's very simple, really.

You don't get on. You've not been slow to let your MIL know you don't like her much. She sounds like she thinks you're a pain in the arse too. Leave your husband to visit with the grandchild so they can spend time together & maybe you'll both lighten up with each other in time.

My ILs were both dominant, each in their own area.
I simply chose to let them know it will be my way or the highway in anything around my life or life of my children.
It is beyond my understanding how someone can think another adult will arrange life to suit others needs first lol.

I don't rely on them financially so at the end of the day I can cut them off if they don't behave. Obviously, they are now on their almost best behaviour and my DH can hardly recognize them lol.

Does "gently guiding" children leave bruises in your world?

I can’t eat peas or any type of beans it set off a whole texture issue.

My parents also lived through the war but they would never have tried to force a child to eat food they didn't like/want. They wouldn't have let us go hungry either. It wasn't an issue with me but my sibling was a fussy eater and would be offered cereal/toast/sandwich if they didn't like a meal. Your parents might not have understood choice but that wasn't the fault of the war.

this.

well yeah but would the op trust her husband to protect the child? After all according to him "Its just her way"

The mil was completely in the wrong for dragging your daughter. Both in terms of forcing the meal but also in causing physical harm.

Do you do ‘child-led’ or ‘gentle’ parenting? Does she disagree with a lot of your parenting style or was her reaction a shock?

But you handled it badly. In these awful situations, as a parent you just have appear calm and in control for the sake of the kids. You ‘saved’ your daughter by removing her from the mil. As was right. You then needed to stay calm and get through the next couple of hours somehow and then discuss it later. The Jeremy Kyle storming into the car was not the right behaviour.

I suspect you are quite enjoying squeezing every last bit of drama out of this now. You need to set clear boundaries and then move on, as long as mil gets the message. Give each other another chance.

The squealing about fish heads on this thread is quite embarrassing. Do people think fish exist as nice white rectangles in plastic boxes?

Some of the replies on here 🙄
Op, it's perfectly reasonable not to force-feed a 3 year old who doesn't like something. I don't understand these posters saying your DD should "eat a meal made for her". Like they would force another adult to eat their meal 🙄
Unless for safety reasons (like grabbing a child running into a road) there is absolutely no justification for manhandling a child especially leaving a bruise. Disgusting behaviour.

Apparently they do, or at least want their children to believe that.🤷‍♀️

I’ve no problem catching killing and gutting a fish. I just don’t want it staring at me while I eat it 😂 just like I don’t want to stare at a pigs head while I eat a bacon butty.

Of course not but that outrageous detail would be the very first thing I'd mention rather than drip feed it several posts down in response to skepticism, which some might say doesn't appear 100% credible...

Don’t bother with messaging her. Ask her for a written apology. Do not leave your child with her alone. Do not engage in conversation with her. From what you’ve written did say to never visit her again. She sounds like a bully.