To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

Just reading through the thread again and spotted this. I think Justkeepingplatesspinning is absolutely right and spot on. This would explain a lot.

She wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Ah OP I reckon you have had enough replies now but, hey, I am also a woman on the internet with opinions.

YANBU for wanting the BBQ back but ultimately you should let it go, it’s not healthy for you to keep carrying this around.

Some people are saying you also need to let her go, and your comments suggest that you wouldn’t be heart broken if that happened. I know it’s not always practical to blow up a friendship when there are wider friendship dynamics at play.

Also don’t read too much into what car she drives etc, her family might be financed up to the hilt! You are clearly very responsible and spend within your means. She is evidently more of a careless person. I know which one I would rather be!

Send her a link to purchase the BBQ online, saying you want to make it easy for her as she doesn't seem to have been able to find the time to buy a replacement and you'd really like to be able to have some BBQs this Spring - she'll be the first person invited to try it out!

If she doesn't come through this time, it's time to let it go. It's a bit shitty, but not really worth fighting or falling out over, and not worth letting it consume you...

Its gone on too long now. Never lend her any thing again, and bin her as a friend. The only way to get your money is by the legal way.

The point is replacing something you've already paid for isn't treating yourself though it's annoying not enjoyable, which a "treat" should be

OP could you visit your friend when her partner is around and mention that you’d like your BBQ back in front him. Maybe that would embarrass her into action?

Tell her you will buy a new one and that you will give her the receipt so she can reimburse you.
Then do it.

Find one you like and visit her and show her so she can order it there & then. If it's more £ than the one she lost then you could pay the difference.

you'd really like to be able to have some BBQs this Spring - she'll be the first person invited to try it out!

"But, just so you know, the back gate will have 16 locks on it!"

I think that's being extremely optimistic. She's clearly not willing and/or able to hand over the money - I don't think the real problem is that she's simply been unable to find a comparable barbecue in 5 years of searching. Barbecues don't vary that much in each price bracket.

I'd send her an actual link of what you want as a replacement. She didn't lose it she lent it on and it got owned by someone else (unless she secretly kept it).
In any case, she's no friend is she?

I don't reckon she kept it for herself. If she'd wanted to borrow it to use in her own garden, or even in her Mum's garden, she probably could have borrowed it regularly from OP, without all the drama.

Barbecues are usually quite robust - especially at the £300 price point - so I doubt it got trashed. They can be easily cleaned, and they're obviously designed to live outside, so even pet wee up the back of it wouldn't be the end of the world, with a good wipe down.

I reckon she sold it - either after using it, or maybe before using it, still new and boxed. It could have been her plan all along to steal it from OP (under the guise of 'borrowing' it) in order to make herself a nice wedge.

The only alternative I can think of, as PP have suggested, is if she gave it to her Mum as a present, instead of buying her a gift herself; or there was a very awkward miscommunication whereby she had borrowed it to use there and her Mum assumed that she had given it to her as a present. After all, 'giving somebody a barbecue as a birthday present' could equally be interpreted as organising the event and getting the food or actually giving over the actual barbecue.

How embarrassing would it be if her Mum had been effusively grateful and told everybody "Hey, look what our Laura has given me for a present - isn't she so generous; I'll get loads of use out of that!" ?

Six years???? This person is not a friend and I hope you see that. I can't understand why you've let it drag on though. I would've confronted years ago. Anyway.

Ideas:
call/text/email/show-up at her house saying, Mary, you're taking me for a fool. It doesn't matter how it went missing, you were and are responsible. The replacement cost is x. Pay me now.
or stealth mode, drop it. Borrow something of similar replacement value from her then ghost her for six years. At that point, if she mentions it, tell her it is likely with your bbq. "You remember, the one you "lost."
or
Drop it and drop her.
or
Drop it and continue being "friends."
Lots of options. 🙂

I wouldn't have waited the long length of time,I would have gone out an bought one an made her pay the full amount whether it was in installments or full payment,keep a copy of the receipt yourself for proof of purchase date an amount.She dosent seem much of a friend.

Try being clearer and let her know in simple terms that you feel that the responsibility for replacing something she borrowed and subsequently lost, still lies with her ever after all this time.

Was she short of money at the time? If so I think she sold it while it was still in the box.

Invite your friend out for a coffee and cake at a garden center cafe...

Get onto the subject while you are there.. or walk past the BBQs on the way out and say "ohh that's like the one you stole from me"

You'll either get the BBQ replaced or ruin the friendship further... Which clearly doesn't mean that much to her..

You have been wayyyy more reasonable than I would have been.

I would message her and be blunt, say this is the 5th year now of you having no BBQ as she still has it. (Regardless if she has lost it or not) give her a set date and say you want the BBQ returned by this date at the absolute latest, if she can’t find it say here are my bank details & you want the £300 transfered over. Yes £300 as that is what the BBQ would cost to replace like for like. Tbh should be more due to inflation & cost of everything but I’d stick to the £300.

if the date comes & goes & no BBQ or money, go to her husband ask him to pay. Go to her family, go online call her out! People need to be accountable for their actions!! If she valued you she would pay!

it depends how you frame it.

I would have given up after year 2, had nothing more to do with her, got myself a bbq and enjoyed the last 4 summers out in my garden using my bbq not giving a moments thought to this ex friend and my rusting old bbq

I'd ask her direct , maybe message her but say please can you replace my new BBQ. If she doesn't, sorry I would have to stop the friendship as personally it would eat away at me, it's MORE the principle of it all.

Find a bbq you like, send her the picture and say please can you forward me the £150 I paid for the bbq you happened to somehow lose as I’m not going another year without one!

If she is your friend ??
Surely during those 5 years you have been to her house and seen if she still has it or even collected it yourself!!

If not a friend you visit, then why did you lend a brand new expensive item to someone who you don't see?

I would have been knocking her door as soon as I wanted to use it asking for it..not messaging asking 5 years later

Makes no sense to me

By saying there was no rush to return it and then forgetting about it for a year, she’s thought you didn’t want it. Sold it or binned it. You should have taken it back immediately and she should’ve told you if it had become a nuisance. I think you may have both been unreasonable. Just move on if you value the friendship.

Part of me agrees with this. I have found that when you say there is no rush to return something, that means different things to different people. To me that means next week is OK rather than this week. But to others it's interpreted as you're not fussed about it really. Not saying it excuses this woman from ever giving it back, but it usually starts things off on the wrong foot.