To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

How much was it worth? If you want to make a point go to small claims court. As long as you have the messages.

£300. But I bought it half price. A previous poster said too much time has passed for small claims court sadly.

6 years ago op

some things in life…. we really do need to suck it up, buy another one and start enjoying in your own garden without your neighbour trundling hers along

go on… treat yourself

£100??

why only £100? Original cost was 300, and op spent 150

She has probably sold it, damaged it beyond repair or given it to someone else.

I would keep on at her, weekly if needed, she should have replaced it when she 'lost' it. Like you i've no idea how the hell you lose a BBQ!

How close are you aside from this issue?

Is it worth saying look I know it’s been ages but it’s starting to make me really uncomfortable that you said you’d replace my bbq and still haven’t. I want to continue to be friends without this issue coming between us.

Can you see the equivalent in the shops. I'd send her a link of one that's equivalent (sale or not) and say planning a BBQ, since you've lost mine that you had from new, get this one delivered asap please.

This.
OP, morally YANBU. However, there's very little you can do to make her replace it.
You'd been a mug. It's ok. We all make mistakes. Pregnancies/mat leave/scares whatever I'd have made her replace it! Even paying you £10 a week towards the cost. You however ask for it 'annually'.

I'd have mithered her until she blocked me, told the whole neighbourhood, the works! Or taken her to court ASAP.

It's up to you to decide how much social pressure to apply but it's been 6 years, you have very little leg on stand on. Maybe try asking her mum or any other relatives, shame her as much as you can. Or take her to the shop and get her to buy you a new one then and there.

Was she in a good financial position at that time? Because my guess is she flogged it

I think too much time has elapsed. I doubt a court would entertain it.

Whenever I've lent something I've never had it return even after asking several times. I no longer lend things unless I am there when they use it and it's unbreakable.

Same here.
Also most of the time this stuff isn't absolutely essential. Nobody NEEDS a barbecue. If she didn't have one, just use the oven/readymade food? LOL.

My Nana's motto which i agree with was - never a borrower or lender be.

Never lend someone something you are not prepared to lose. Don't waste any more energy trying to get it/the money back. It's a waste of time.

6 years down the line, I’d let it go.

@Boating123 , it's from Hamlet, and it's a good one.

Technically you're still within the time for small claims court. It's 6 years from when you first realised there was a problem (that she had lost it), not 6 years from when you bought it/lent it to her.

You'd have to be quick though.

OP, your friend didn't 'lose' your bbq. That's ridiculous. You don't just lose a hunting great piece of metal.

She sold it, pure and simple. And you know what? I bet she didn't even use it at her mum's birthday bbq. She clocked that it was brand new and pocketed a decent chunk of change from the sale.

Yeah, too much time has passed for small claims now.

Can you not just message her something a bit more... doable? If she's a good person, and she's just been shit on this, then stop sending her a "please replace my BBQ" thing which she'll read, agree to, and seemingly forget. Message her that you're going to look at BBQs today and can she send you the £150, or tell her that you've just found one you want and will go back for it after lunch so can she bank transfer it to you, etc. Something easy that she can do on her phone pretty instantly.

If she doesn't do even that, then I think your choices are:

• Have a face-to-face chat with her, awkward as it may be
• Let it go and try and forget about it for the sake of the friendship, or
• Cut the friendship off.

I do know how you feel. A very close friend of mine borrowed my road bike years and years ago - I moved just after upgrading and didn't really have time to ride it, and she was spending a fortune hiring bikes every week. It made sense for her to have it. Just before lockdown, I got a turbo trainer and asked if I could get my bike out of her shed... she said she couldn't find it and I must have had it back already, and any attempts to chat about it where flatly shut down. Weirdly enough, she left it by my front door several years later... It'd clearly been used as an off-roader, the tyres are fucked, they've put a weird mountain bike seat on it, and peeled off most of the tape. She didn't ever thank me or anything 🤷‍♀️

well, OP, in your shoes (which i wouldn't be because i'd have told her to clean it, pack it back in the box and bring it back within a week of the party) i would give her an ultimatum: either a similar BBQ or 150 in cash by the 1st May.

And then you need to drop her out of your life because there's not much chance to come back from that.

I have to agree with the previous pp, these MN friendships really baffle me.

So I assume you have seen this friend F2F many times since? Why haven't you brought it up directly so she can't weasel out of it?

It's too late to expect anything now, the normal thing to do would have been to follow up after the original request and giving her a deadline.

I didn't know that.
You learn something new every day.

Because OP doesn't have the money to buy one.

Yep, no other possibility.

Unless you're Paul Daniels, claiming to have 'lost' something as big as a BBQ is the most ridiculous, pathetic lie ever.

I agree with PP that she may not even have used it - just sold it straightaway as a new, boxed item. For all we know, if it's normal price is £300, she could even have sold it for more than OP paid for it in the sale.

Of course they should replace it, but they almost certainly won't.