To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

And as to what to do, either write it off or ask her to transfer the money but be prepared that she won’t and whether that will affect your relationship and how you feel about that. She doesn’t sound like a decent friend to me

or she's borrowed it out to another friend or neighbour

or it’s been unused since the day she borrowed and it rusted and unusable in the garage!

exactly

obviously the op has a very very different view on what a “friendship” is compared with us!

I’d just tell her you are planning a family BBQ on X date and to either transfer £350 (accounts for price increases) by Y date, or arrange delivery of a specified BBQ by Z date.

This. ^ One last ditch attempt and that would be it for me. I would try to get her to replace it - just one more time - and then would give up. And I'm afraid I would ghost her after that (if she didn't replace it, which she won't!)

Sorry @YorkshireRose80 but this woman is not a good friend to you. She is taking the piss. She has very likely sold the BBQ. How can you LOSE a fucking BBQ? How silly. Does she think you're an idiot?

I have lent people stuff before, and not got it back. Despite asking multiple times. I never ever lent that person anything else again.

Lesson learned OP!

Wow. What a cheeky fucker she is - I'd be raging mad in your position!

I don't think she's the sort of 'friend' you need to be bothered about potentially losing so I'd go round in person & be brutally honest - something along the lines of...

"Right. This BBQ debacle has gone on long enough. You can't possibly 'lose' a huge BBQ so something has obviously happened to it - I don't even care anymore what that is but I'm sick & tired of you messing me around. I want a 'like for like' BBQ or a refund of the £150 I paid for it. I'll be reasonable & give you a week to sort it."

You're not unreasonable for asking. I'd message her and say I hate messaging and chasing over this but I let you borrow my brand new (in its box) BBQ in good faith and I don't want to have to fork out £300 replacing it ideally. Do you have any intention of actually replacing it, as we are having a BBQ in two weeks time and I need to make arrangements if not. If she claims poverty, point out you picking up a £300 bill so she can afford her flash new car is not on but you know now where you stand.

Your mistake was telling her there was no rush and being happy for her to store it for you, she shouldn't have lost it but lesson learnt for future. I'd never lend her anything again whatever the outcome.

It’s been 5 years, it’s gone and she’s no intention of replacing it. I’d let it go, get yourself a new one and ditch her as a friend. Theft is theft regardless of if you like the person that stole from you.

I agree with other posters in that she is not your friend. Therefore, you can afford to go nuclear on her and demand she reimburses you right now, as effectively this friendship is over.

If she stole £150 cash from your house how would you feel? This is the same thing.

Next time, demand the barbecue back the very next day. Personally, I wouldn’t have lent a brand new still in the box barbecue to anyone, but that’s just me.

How the fuck do you lose a bbq?!

Is she on SM? Put up a post for EVERYONE to see late at night when she's probably gone to bed and so can't remove it straight away ...

I lent you a BBQ 6 years ago. It was £150, brand new and still it's box. You've never returned it and every summer you fob me off when I ask you to replace it because you say you cant find it. You need to now give me the cash and I'll go and sort it's replacement.

Maybe send that to her first and put on SM if she doesn't send the money within a week

It's been 6 years, how many more years are you going to bang on about it? Let it go.

I had a friend who stole items from me, including jewellery with sentimental value. I say stole because she still has never returned them.
she’s no longer my friend.

I think she absolutely should replace it. But I would consider whether it’s worth falling out over. At this stage I think you either accept it’s lost and stop mentioning it or you be prepared that if you do insist she will fall out with you. You are absolutely NOT unreasonable - she is, but given her behaviour I don’t think she’ll change anytime soon.

Do you think she’s sold it OP, like you say, unless she lives at Sandringham Castle how the fuck do you lose a BBQ???

6 years ago! 🤯

You should have dealt with it or let it go the first time you asked for it back. You are not getting it back now so deal with it - write it off and never lend her anything else, or write friend off for not replacing it. Time to move on.

Reminds me of a family member however it's been a decade and they still bang on about it and mum's sick of hearing it. Not very healthy holding onto something like that for so long.

An acquaintance asked to borrow a good coat from me - angora and wool mix, made in England, they don't make them like that anymore for mass market, only tailor-made now (Crombie). She did not return it for a month. Then she said - since this is a vintage item, may I give you like £50 to keep it? I said 'no'. She said 'fine'. 2 months later she told me she can't find it anymore. Not friends, so not likely to be spending time together or even run into each other outside of work, so basically, I will never lend anything to anyone anymore. Lesson learnt.

I’d be saying something like

“haha time for my annual reminder about replacing a BBQ which got lost. If it’s easier you could transfer the money for me to put towards a new one myself? I was going to invite you round for a BBQ, but… I kind of need one to do that 😅”

maybe a bit pas/ag but I like to go for just the right amount of arsey covered in a little joke. It tends to do the trick.

Also, how tf does someone lose a Barbecue!?

Hrwt, but, have you not been yi her house in 5 years so you can look for missing bbq? She's either sold it, or using it. Or she's got one you can take back on return.
Invite yourself over for coffee, have a look around garden, if not there, pull your phone out and insist she buys one there and then.

She has lost it = thrown it out. Never lend anything you are not prepared to lose forever.

After 6 years I suspect this is a lost cause. Buy a new one and vow never too lend anyone anything again.

Option 3 - ditch the "friend".

She knows she borrowed your item and "lost", gave away or sold it. She knows that you would like a replacement. She can afford to replace it but she is not one bit bothered. It's probably got to the point where she chuckles at your annual request.

She is not a nice person and certainly no friend.

It's at least 5 years since, if she was going to replace the BBQ she would have done so by now. We've lost a few things over the years in similar circumstances and it's a pain but not much you can do other than stop lending things out.