Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should still replace it...

336 replies

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 10:47

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 06/04/2024 18:36

I would struggle to still be friends with her tbh.

Jumpers4goalposts · 06/04/2024 18:41

Invite her around yours for a BBQ, and once accepted tell her your provide the food and she can replace the BBQ, send her one direct link to the one that you want that is worth the £150 you paid and highlight it can be delivered directly to yours if easier.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 06/04/2024 18:43

Why is she still your friend?

Popcorn42 · 06/04/2024 18:47

Sorry but she's treating you like an absolute mug....thinking you believe that she lost a BBQ!!
Id go round and put her right on the spot..none of these messages as messages are easy to ignore or wriggle out of!

Go round and say listen I need this BBQ I'm in no position to buy another one.... So do u want to transfer me the money as I'm on my way out now so I'll buy one if you just transfer the money..I've waited long enough.

She will have no choice but to just do it or tell you outright no....In which case youll know your never getting reimbursed and I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her how disgusting it is to treat a friend that way & you consider your friendship over....not because of the BBQ because of the way she's treated you& took you for a fool!

Maia77 · 06/04/2024 18:49

It's been years now, I don't know why you're still hoping it'll happen. She's obviously not going to do it, probably because she doesn't really care, doesn't respect you and she can get away with it. Why are you still friends with her?

rwalker · 06/04/2024 19:06

After 6 years and numerous attempts you would of had it or a replacement back by now so your never going to get anything

so suck it up and decide if it’s worth ending the friendship over

JintyMcG1422 · 06/04/2024 19:15

Why don’t you just ask her outright if she has any intention of replacing it. Then you will know exactly where you stand, although after all this time I think it’s obvious she’s not going to. I agree it’s poor behaviour but you’ve let her get away with it for too long tbh.

BirthdayRainbow · 06/04/2024 19:24

Jumpers4goalposts · 06/04/2024 18:41

Invite her around yours for a BBQ, and once accepted tell her your provide the food and she can replace the BBQ, send her one direct link to the one that you want that is worth the £150 you paid and highlight it can be delivered directly to yours if easier.

This wouldn't work.

Theroadnottravelled · 06/04/2024 19:35

I feel for you OP. You’re not confrontational. But this woman is not your friend. I borrowed an expensive ski jacket from my neighbour (and friend) and had it dry cleaned and returned within a week. That’s normal behaviour. You’ll have to write this off and learn from it. She won’t be guilt tripped after so long. Can you afford to replace it? I hope so. People can be awful but try to hold your head high, put her in the bin and concentrate on your good friends.

Londonrach1 · 06/04/2024 19:36

She either returns the BBQ or £150..

Jeannie88 · 06/04/2024 19:37

Unfortunate lesson learnt, don't lend to friends who aren't your best trustworthy friends. X

DisabledDemon · 06/04/2024 19:42

At this point, I don't think you'll ever see your original BBQ again and as others have said, it'd probably be wrecked by this point.

Nor do I think that your 'friend' (and I use the term loosely) is ever going to replace it. She's got away with it for years and obviously believes that she will continue to do so - in fact, I imagine she doesn't even give it a thought these days except for your yearly reminder, which she probably regards as a nuisance.

Personally, I wouldn't want to remain friends with someone so selfish and thoughtless and I would tell them so, 'Dear X. Yes, it's time for that yearly reminder again but this year I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm going to tell you precisely why you are such a rotten friend and why I don't want anything more to do with you ...'

More than likely, she'll be annoyed and delete your email. Possibly, she might be cheeky enough to reply. Whatever. Get her out of your life and forget about her. Basically, she's a thief and she's not worth your time.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/04/2024 19:49

Having ruminated for a while, I think she cracked on to her mum that she had bought her the BBQ. It's not at her house, it's at her mum's and her mum doesn't know that it was on loan.
Definitely time to draw the line under and move on.

DeemonLlama · 06/04/2024 20:00

Personally I would not loan anything to anyone unless I was prepared to never see it again. I think given the length of time that has gone on if this is a really good friend that u want to continue to hav in Yr life u should move on and try to think her friendship is more important than a lost bbq. If however they are not that close a friend I would have one last try to actually speak to her on the phone or in person (not text) and try to emplain that it was never meant as a gift and ask her honestly what happened to it?? And try to find a resolution? Maybe offer to help her look for it as it might be she simply hasn't found the time but a bbq shouldn't really have vanished?? I would just try to get to the bottom of it and maybe if you cant you could ask her for say a hundred quid towards a new bbq? after explaining that the one u loaned her was worth three times that amount?

Sharptonguedwoman · 06/04/2024 20:07

Honestly, I’d be pissed but after this length of time, let it go. Never lend her anything again.

Rocketpants50 · 06/04/2024 20:14

Think you need to respond.

Just wondering if you now have found my bbq as you have had it 6 years and I would now like to use it. Presumably as its been well hidden away it must still be like new. If you can't locate or damaged then I will accept the £300 that it will cost to replace. I might even cook you a sausage on my new bbq if you are lucky!

Twilight7777 · 06/04/2024 20:30

Unless she lives in a mansion, she has not lost a bbq! Even then I’d be questioning it. If you had said like 2 years I would say definitely pursue it, keep on at her but 6 years just seems a bit much, I’d be questioning the friendship though cos clearly she doesn’t respect your belongings or you for that matter.

May09Bump · 06/04/2024 20:39

Life is too short - defiantly not getting the BBQ back or the money after so long. I'd move on, block and delete any of contacts / social media. Nothing you will say will impact someone like this - I'd also not bother saying you've lost my Friendship over this, people like this have no shame or care.

Hammy65 · 06/04/2024 20:43

How big is her house, grounds, outbuildings so that a normal domestic bbq can be lost/mislaid for five years??? Where has she put it? Have you been to her house recently and ‘spotted’ it somewhere amidst the undergrowth? This doesn’t stack up 🙄! Poor you - and such a kind thing to do.

1234SO · 06/04/2024 20:59

I've picked x BBQ, which I know is really expensive so I wouldn't expect you to pay for it all. Can you please send me £150 for the £300 BBQ I leant you unused, as I would like to use it towards the new one.

SheepAndSword · 06/04/2024 21:03

@YorkshireRose80 when do you actually meet in person? (Not randomly bump into each other)

I'd arrange a coffee and go through repayment with her. She's behaving badly though.

ClaireRed · 06/04/2024 21:04

Id say unfortunately its been binned, likely she didn't clean it after the party so got rid or else lent it to someone else. As others have said you need to send a firm message that she needs to replace the bbq, send a link to an equivalent BBQ and be clear that this is to replace the one she lost, could she purchase it and send you a link/code to collect it yourself

jo19 · 06/04/2024 21:32

Find a similar bbq or the exact same one online, then send her the link and tell her you need it by the early May bank holiday for a planned family bbq.

Kirstk · 06/04/2024 21:35

Sparklfairy · 04/04/2024 14:06

Technically you're still within the time for small claims court. It's 6 years from when you first realised there was a problem (that she had lost it), not 6 years from when you bought it/lent it to her.

You'd have to be quick though.

Isn't it 6 years from last time of contact?

Isabellivi · 06/04/2024 21:38

Your friend stole from you so she is not a friend. She did not lose it. She probably sold it. First make sure you have some written proof, like text messages where she admits she owes you a replacement. If you don’t have it then text her to get a written response that verifies your story and the value/brand. Then I would take her to small claims court. She will have to pay the cost plus legal fees.