Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

Your child was pissing people off in the restaurant. Pissing you BF off.
The child behaviour was not acceptable and you should have taken the lead when you BF first mentioned the unacceptable behaviour.

That way your BF would not have escalated the situation by reaching over to guide your child to sit down(there was no insinuation there was physical abuse from the OP). Then spilling the drink. His swearing was uncalled for but could be in the heat of the moment and should not have been done in front of the child.

Solution - talk to you BF apologise for your sons behaviour and have a word about swearing in front of the child. Alternative solution - Chuck the BF cause you think its acceptable for your child to behave as he wants and find a BF that's a more aligned with your parenting. (please don't eat in a restaurant i am in! )

If i was the parent in the other booth attempting to get my child to eat and have his/her meal calmly and in a dignified manner, i would have been well pissed off and i would not have enjoyed my meal.

A 3year old standing on a chair in a restaurant is not acceptable behaviour. Your boyfriend was probably embarrassed and frustrated that you were not doing anything. He didn’t handle it well but if you are so passive, other people will start to try to deal with situations.

Make better choices of partner for your children's sake. Bin him now, advocate for your son!!!

DP is getting a lot of aggro on here, rightly so, BUT why weren't you parenting your own child in the first place?
A kid standing on a seat interupting another family meal, probably too polite to say anything [this would have annoyed the fuck out of me].
This could have been avoided if your dc was sitting down 'eatting calmly' as you say. I'd reconsider the dp too, I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour either.

Clumsy angry twat. His actions ended up being far worse than those of the two children. It's not his place to tell your child off. The best way is to let him wave for a bit then get him to sit down to eat his food and don't turn it into a battle. And also keep the meal short, as three year olds can't sit down for long. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, two little kids waving at one another. Seeing a grown man get more and more angry at a young child then behave like a clumsy oaf would definitely disturb my dining experience though.

I think that's really leaping to conclusions. I have a three year old whose "listening ears" are prone to malfunction, if she ignored repeated requests to sit down I would absolutely physically move her. And once that's happening there's a chance of a drink going flying. I'm sure most of us with kids have had those trips out where everything goes wrong. The boyfriend may have felt forced into the parenting role by OP's inaction.

1 It was your responsibility that your child was standing up on a chair. (Someone else will sit on that chair where your child's shoes have been.)

Is he standing on chairs at nursery, in your home, and then at school? What about some parenting?

Teach your son how to behave in a restaurant/ cafe.
Standing on a chair at a meal out is not acceptable. How can you even think it is?

2 It wasn't your fault this man knocked his drink over. He was clearly annoyed at the whole situation of your son misbehaving.

3 You need to stop being so passive. You allow your child to have 'anti social behaviour' and you ignored your boyfriend's behaviour.

I can see how your boyfriend was exasperated with the whole thing.

@Stickyricepudding Good grief. So you think it's fine for a child to stand on a chair in a pub/ cafe, waive to other people and his mum then thinks the person she's with who tells him not to is in the wrong?

Wobble your head.

Didn’t realise shit parenting was everywhere. I will make a note to avoid sitting in booths then. Unless the children know to take their shoes off before doing so? Doubt it.

This.
Boyfriend needs to go though. Not his place to get involved. Red flag right there. Up your game.

The drink was an accident. He shouldn’t have man handled your kid, but he had probably had enough of your non parenting and letting your kid stand on the seats eating. It’s a choking risk to be not sat down to eat, they could’ve fallen, they were distracting another table, and the next diners do not want to sit on seats stood on by shoes!

Is this you op? if so you’ve got a name change fail which makes it difficult for us to see your replies!

Please have confidence in your convictions.
You’ve posted as if you’re doubting your own mind. You seem to be able to detach from your feelings which is probably something you’ve learnt growing up but it’s not helpful in this situation.

I think in order for this relationship to work, you need to recognise the enormous challenge of bringing a partner into your family and how that can be done successfully.

I can’t stand the term “the ick” (sorry it sounds so childish 😬) It’s better to honestly examine your feelings and where they’re coming from.

Do you feel disappointed in your partner for handling a situation badly? Do you feel undermined / judged as a parent? Do you disagree with his approach? Think he’s trying to be a father figure and getting it wrong?

You need to put your big girl pants on and communicate with him how you’re feeling and what you expect of him.

In order for this relationship to work, you need to both be adult about how this man can fit into the family.
You need to make your expectations clear to him- he may be floundering with it too- unsure of his “role” in relation to the kids.

Its best to work slowly- make it clear that in front of the dc he takes your lead with parenting. He can back you up, you can present as a team but it’s too early for him to be making parenting decisions or for the dc to see him as anything more than mummy’s friend.

That said, If you teach your dc to ignore everything your dp asks then they’ll quickly learn to play you adults off each other.
Make your expectations clear to dp and don’t leave the parenting down to him- it’s far too soon. Have these discussions away from the dc.
He can bring up issues he has with your parenting too if he’s prepared to be respectful to you but do that away from the dc.

He’s gone from a carefree single guy to suddenly a parent of multiple children and probably doesn’t have a clue what’s needed of him.

It’s normal to hit stumbling blocks when you’re introducing a man into your family and trying to blend. You can’t force it but you need to put a lot of effort and communication in to make it work.

The worst thing to do is put your head in the sand and hope these issues go away on their own x

I wouldn't be comfortable to carry on eating while a toddler is standing up in a booth. I don't blame him for stepping in - because you weren't. The other people didn't want to make a scene, but this is not restaurant behaviour.

None of us were there, so it's hard to tell. But, I don't think you can say to a Step parent, that you want them to be in a parental role, but they are not allowed to discipline the child if needed. When you have aunts, uncles, grandparents etc look after your children, you fully expect them to discipline the child where necessary. You can't have it both ways.

Hard to say whether the BF was in the wrong. If Op frequently doesn't keep the children in check, maybe he felt like he had to step in. Okay, a drink gets knocked over, no big deal. Swearing is obviously not on. Anyway, Op doesn't find him attractive after this, so the relationship has run it's course.

Doesn't look like Op is coming back to the thread.

My God, MN never ceases to amaze me with the absolute batshittery!

Abuse
Testing boundaries
Women's Aid
Refuge
NSPPC

FGS, how ridiculously over dramatic!

The OPs DP was simply sick of the OP ignoring her DS being annoying in a restaurant and not doing anything to make him sit down and eat, so he intervened. Unfortunately a drink was knocked over. OP continued to just ignore it all.

Imo, OP is the odd one here. Literally just pretending like nothing is going on. And this situation is a far cry from domestic abuse (I say this as someone who escaped an abusive relationship). If one adult can't be bothered to properly parent their own child in a restaurant where certain behaviours are to be taught (eat sensibly at the table, don't stand on seats, don't bother other diners), then I can see why another adult became frustrated and attempted to step in.

It really spoils things when someone's kid won't leave you alone. You'll be nice at first, and even genuinely think 'aww, what a cute kid', smile and wave back etc. But when it doesn't stop and the parent/s don't stop it, it quickly becomes very wearing and irritating. I'd have been relieved if I was one of the other diners and someone finally stepped in to make the kid leave us alone.

Can you imagine ringing NSPCC and saying "my child was made to sit down in a restaurant and stop bothering other diners,, please help us escape this tyrany and abuse!".... I think they have more urgent cases to be keeping them busy, not this!

If you parent your own child, others won't need to.

If your DP was annoyed with your toddlers behaviour it’s fairly safe to assume others in the restaurant were annoyed too.

Parent your own child properly yourself and your DP won’t need to.

If I was the boyfriend, I'd end the relationship.

I'd not want to be with a mum who couldn't parent her child and allowed him to behave badly in a restaurant.

It must be very hard to be with someone whose child creates a scene, and sit back and do nothing.

I expect the other diners were glad when he stepped up - and of course they might have thought he was the father and wondering why neither parent wasnt doing something.

He should run.

This is really over the top!

@FoxyLoxyLoo maybe I should have explained more. It's a very family friendly place. The other kids had their toys and tablets out and were waving at him too. I said I thought they went to nursery together

It's a buffet I got him more food.

This family were saying hi to him and talking to him as we walked up and down at the buffet

In any other restaurant I do not let him stand on his chair etc.

I said to him later not to tell them off. I've had to say this. A few times. I meant I ignored the fact the drink was spilt I wasn't helping cleaning that up.

@Candleabra I've just said I should have explained more they potentially knew each other. It's a buffet we were all walking up and down and they were having a laugh with him up and down at the food bit and in the passing.

There kid was doing the same back to us.

I don't know how to explain the place other than it's a family friendly cheaper place; loads of kids do these things.

@cutiepatootie23 yeah this is exactly my thoughts. I think I did say in my posts I told him a few times to sit down then when I realised the toddlers were interacting I allowed him to stand for all of three seconds to wave to each other then they stopped.

Still don’t think you should be letting him stand on the seat. Sounds like your boyfriend was embarrassed by your lack of manners.

@Newcrocs yeah the restaurant is like this. There was many children doing the same as him. He would be considered a well behaved child in this situation

Anywhere else I don't allow him to do this. I also wouldn't take them to anywhere not family friendly because that's not really fair expectations on a toddler. When he's older yes but not at 3.

Mystified as to all the grief about a 3 yr old standing on a chair.

In a family friendly place, with booths not chairs, 2 small children standing and waving to each other is cute, not annoying or misbehaving.

I'd much rather see that than running around, shouting or even worse, the inevitable ipads.