Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

And teach him it's not acceptable to stand up while he's meant to be eating a meal! At what point are you going to tell him he should sit down while eating? 5? 10? 15? The younger the better, it's easier. It's not wrong to impose boundaries. Your kids and everyone they come into contact with throughout their lives will thank you for it. The b/f has raised red flags, physically going to grab him, swearing. But maybe he's as frustrated as most Mumsnet users seem to be by your lack of action.

If OP had corrected her child's behaviour it wouldn't have happened.

OP has expressed concerns about his attitude towards her DC and towards SD as well as his views on punishment

OP repeatedly asked him not to parent or correct the DC and he has repeatedly disregarded this and over stepped

He reached out with some intentionality associated with his irritation with OPs DS. He is the one who spilled the drink as a consequence

The DS will have picked up the overall tone of him swearing if not the meaning. He also witnessed his food get soaked as well as his DM coat and his DM pretending nothing was happening. The vibe for a young DC is deeply unpleasant and it was associated to him and as a young DC will experience shame

OP recoiled at his DM suggestion to have DC with him at 3 months and it was clear to her then they had incompatible views to parent - was it after that she introduced him to her DC?

3 months is anyway nothing, she would have hardly known him herself, 1 year is not long either to start to integrate someone in to a household especially with such young DC who are highly vulnerable. This very much a ‘honeymoon period’. There are very worrying cases of abuse associated with this and I think OP and DC have had a lucky escape.

I do think it’s odd and worrying if he doesn’t care at all about his DSD after 10 years. OP gives benefits of doubt for age, but he was 28 when he left. There may be also more to the situation than we know (they don’t want contact) we really don’t know the other side. If I was OP simply based on what she had directly observed, I would be NC with him.

Is op is to blame for this man’s behaviour?

I would have explained to child to not stand on furniture, in that way I see his point.
him starting to swear in a restaurant and in front of your kids doesn’t sound great either.

This.

He's 3 not 13! Sometimes we have to go with the flow with little ones. Often adults behave far worse in restaurants. Trust your gut as bf obviously keen to dominate and question your authority as a parent. I understand you said nothing...sometimes shock will do that especially if you're worried it will make the situation worse. Sounds like you had 3 children on your hands.

Why didn't you parent your child before your son to ex boyfriend did. Your child should not have been standing in the child. I can't believe you allowed it. He is three you parent.

Why would you ignore this ?
and allow boyfriend to do this to you both spoiling your child’s food grabbing him and your coat it sounds like your afraid of this guy
if so he will go on to abuse you 😡ignoring his behaviour and believe me he will ramp it up and control you and your son
I’d say get rid of this guy before he makes your life very miserable

He doesn’t have the patience to be reasonable around children. Get rid of him . Depends what type of restaurant you were in as to whether it was ok for your child to not just be sitting and eating , but you IGNORING what happened is a bit odd ? Were you scared of his reaction ? If so…get rid of him. I would never put a man before a child.

Kids shouldn’t be allowed to repeatedly stand up and wave in a restaurant. 3 is very young but you’re not even trying to teach him manners. I don’t know if your bf was over reacting. I just know I don’t like my children to do this

I think toddler children can stand on a seat and wave to friends. It's not just this though is it, you know its time to move him on. It wasn't kind.

I’m not agreeing with your partners actions because it’s not up to him to parent your child. However, it is your responsibility to ensure your child behaves and is able to sit and eat his meal without standing on chairs . Maybe, you allow your child to do this whenever you eat out and your partner felt a bit embarrassed about it and on this occasion he has intervened. Not saying this is right but I can understand his frustration.

What age are you going to teach him he can’t do this? 10,15?

That made me laugh.🤣 So ridiculous.

Presumably if a mate from school smiles and waves at him from a nearby table when he’s 10 yrs, his legs and arms have grown so he doesn’t need to hold onto mummy and pull himself up to see.

maybe the bf was frustrated

Losing your patience with a 3 year old and acting in anger because you’re frustrated is not ok.

It sounds as though this man has been brought up by a cold intolerant father who used fear and abuse to control his son.
He’s learnt that this is how to “parent”.

So you are no longer attracted to him - ditch him.
Your child should have been sitting in a restaurant- not standing on the seat to wave to others. That is basic table manner and think of the next person who has to sit on a seat that has been stood on.
and why did you ignore it all? Surely whether he is the father or not if you thought it was wrong you would advocate for your own child?

Lecturing the op is so sanctimonious and short sighted.

Funnily enough, the op’s older daughter wasn’t standing up and being a wriggly bored excitable 3 year old. I wonder who taught her table manners and how to behave in social situations?
Her mum of course!

I’ll bet the daughter was really looking forward to going to Frankie and Benny’s as a family.
Unfortunately her mum’s boyfriend got angry with her little brother, over reacted when he spilt his drink, upset mum and they probably drove home with a foul atmosphere in the car with the grown ups not talking.
That poor child probably hates her mum’s new boyfriend.

Yet lots of posters are justifying bf’s fucking immature/reactive behaviour because the lad needed to “be taught a lesson”.

Agree! Too many people with deep issues are honing in on the one thing they think they can pick at, as to why it's all her fault. Mum and women shaming seems to be a sport on here.
I'd bet good money these people either....

1. Don't do the whole family outing thing particularly to restaurants, I have friends who have babysitters/au pairs at every opportunity and have never had their 3 year old behave like a 3 year old in public because they don't do anything with them. It's ironic that such parents tell others they aren't parenting.
2. Don't have a happy/healthy relationship (with their own DP) if they are minimising his behaviour and highlighting so called "poor parenting" as the issue.

Yeah it’s also pretty unpleasant to see a single mum being bashed on here (as depressingly usual)

Weirdly, the posters bleating on about good manners are the rudest by far 🤣

Mummy didn't get upset though did she?

Mummy sat there and did nothing

She didnt do nothing. She just didnt clean up her boyfriends mess. The fact she made this a big point suggests to me he would normally expect op to clean up after him? After everyone maybe?

I love the idea that it's crucial to tell a 3 year old they need to dit down in a restaurant or they will think it a good idea when they are 15.😂 Do you not think it unlikely they will remember anything about the restaurant visit anyway by then?

Maybe mum knows from experience that you don’t give fuel to an abusive man who is in a mood.

Unfortunately you clam up and disassociate from your feelings in the moment and examine them later.
Its not great but can be a reflex response learnt in childhood.

Op tried to examine her reservations on here about this man but unfortunately the crowd turned against her and lectured her on and on about “table manners” and “having respect for others”

Op leave this horrid man. This is arsehole behaviour thorough and thorough. He supposedly parented for ten years and doesn't want to see his daughter.
Posters talking about manners are completely missing the point. It's your parenting choice to allow him to stand. This man shouldn't have behaved this way. This was a buffet restaurant. Your sons little friend was waving at him. A three year old can't be expected to sit still in this situation. In any case it's your son and your style. He sounds abusive, has anger issues, and doesn't generally give a shit about your child or the child he step fathered before. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

She had said she pretended nothing had happened

If he was being an agressive brute like some seem to think then she's just shown DS that she won't protect him and violence is ok because she didn't say anything

OP only mentioned not clearing up after someone specifically asked her if she cleared it up byw.

Hmm .
What I’m hearing is:
.Man behaves angrily/ over reacts in a situation = the woman’s fault ?

I’m not sure confronting this man (and the ensuing argument that would provoke) is in the best interests of the children- who are young enough to be fairly unaware of the tension between the adults.

Far better to protect them by removing this man from their lives (which op has done)

Wanting op to hang her head in shame isn’t very helpful.