Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

Well nobody was there. So he could be a jerk or he could be a decent guy who was trying to enforce basic manners. I have been frustrated with my children too.

Sorry, I’m just not getting a decent guy vibe.

There seems little point in replying if you don’t believe the op?

Basic manners should be modelled by the adult first. Which means if you spill your drink all over your girlfriend’s coat and her son’s plate, you apologise to both of them rather than swearing and glaring at them as if it’s their fault.
Thats intimidating and makes for an unpleasant atmosphere.

If you’re frustrated and snap at children- and let’s face it, they’re challenging at 3- then at least own your mistake.

Time to move on. Its one thing if the child is misbehaving to step in and support you if you need it, its another to think he can tell your child off over something your clearly not concerned about

When did it become normal for a child to stand on a chair in a restaurant?
If the child hadn't been standing on the chair, the whole incident might not have happened.

It wasn’t a chair. It was a booth.

Doesn’t matter. Shouldn’t be standing on a booth either

No woman or child deserves to be spoken to aggressively by a man.
No woman should blame themselves if a partner spills a drink over them and their dc and doesn’t apologise.
No woman deserves to be blamed for a man being unable to control his temper.

So what if he thinks his girlfriend is a bad parent? That does not justify losing your temper.

What next? It’s the woman’s fault if he gives her a slap- she should have behaved differently and it wouldn’t have happened?

Yes, I can see I’m the only person here who thinks calling a booth (sturdy, adults on both sides) a chair (wobbly, dangerous) is inaccurate and misleading, because it insinuates that OP ignored the child endangering themselves, rather than simply ignoring them being an annoyance to other diners.
The partner reacting to annoyance vs the partner reacting to child endangerment and annoyance changes the scenario.
Words do kind of matter.

My 3year old does honey. I'm OK with that too. As long as he isn't directly impacting anyone around mind your own business is what I'd say to you.

@MojoDaysxx just out of interest do you have children or experience actually parenting them? Did you take them out in public at 3? To restaurants? Do you have a DP? If yes, are they nice to you?

The thing that stood out to you the most was a 3 yr old not acting maturely/disciplined enough, you can't deal with a child behaving poorly but you can absolutely be understanding of an adult being poorly behaved and aggressive because the child/mother fall below your snooty expectations so they must deserve it .

I work with someone that would agree with you
Very bitter towards women with dp's who "complain" (she's not got the relationship she wants), thinks people who are outwardly successful in relationships and life are faking it (she's unhappy), she's intolerant of kids who aren't seen and not heard (she has step children she doesn't like). I may be wrong. Just reads extremely nasty and thought it might help for a stranger to say as it comes across (as you have to the op). I hope I'm wrong, you could be raising perfect Polly's and be extremely happy, in which case we just disagree about the real issues here.

This is pretty spot on.
I wouldnt let my kids do that in a restaurant, because its really irritating.
Your partner however, should have just told you to sit him down since you were right next to him. It wasnt his place to do that and he overreacted anyways from the sound of it. Unless it was ongoing and he sat him down gently many times first.. Then I understand he was frustrated.
Really hard to say. I think you need to have a talk about some ground rules and boundaries for him around your children and he needs to decide whether hes ok with that or not.

It really doesn't matter if it was a booth or not, children should not be stood on seating, imagine that child then going into nursery and trying to stand on chairs? Child then has an accident then parent would be blaming the nursery!

children should not be stood on seating

Op conceded ages ago that it wasn’t ideal to let him do that. I imagine it was difficult to coax him to sit forwards and ignore his friend in the next booth who had popped up behind him.

Imagine a child going into nursery and trying to stand on chairs?

It happens. 3 year olds don’t see much difference between a chair and play equipment. Clearly op knows how to teach a child how to behave socially as her older dd wasn’t clambering onto her seat?

Imagine a nursery assistant ineffectually barking SIT DOWN over and over, losing their temper, pulling at them and swearing?

Op wanted opinions on her bf’s constant irritation with the children, his attitude towards the children and the way he reacted.

I think his idea of parenting is piss poor and despite being asked to interact with the dc (instead of ignoring them unless telling them off) he hasn’t changed.

@Blondebrunette1 I agree. It feels like there are some really unhappy people projecting their own unhappiness to the OP. Hope she doesnt come back and gets rid of her DP or at least puts some firm boundaries in place.

Oh yes! It's definitely a sign of unhappy people projecting. I've never met a happy person who would say these things. It's worrying how many people have though, they're totally irrationally, rattled by the apparently "poor behaviour" of a 3 yr old and yet so understanding of the sweary, grabby adult who clearly was provoked by the child and wouldn't have reacted that way if the mother had done a better job 🙄. Poor man. Woman and 3 year old should know better than to wind him up🤦🏼‍♀️ . What in the world are people on?!

Yes and many people seem to have missed this guys poor behaviour in general. He doesn't contact the step child he supposedly raised for ten years. Definite red flag. I highly doubt these posters have any recent actual parenting experience with 3 year olds. Perfectly behaving, sitting still for hours (in a buffet restaurant!), not getting excited when they see a friend...😂

If I could just point something out, not all of us who have said the OP's DS shouldn't have been standing on the seat have gone on to defend her partner's behaviour. They're two separate issues. It's perfectly possible to think, as I do myself, that her partner behaved indefensibly and it's not OP's fault, and think OP shouldn't have let her kid stand on the seat.

And
Again
PP are adding their own interpretation to things
Like he now "barked" as well as apparently grabbing and pulling a child he doesn't seem to have even reached

And "He should sit to eat and not stand on chairs" has become "He should sit perfectly still for hours and not move"

@thepastinsidethepresent I'm not talking about reasonable posters who have shared polite opinions on their personal view of table etiquette yet focused on the real issue and what the OP was asking. I'm talking about those who have blamed her, been overly rude and judgemental towards her and said he wouldn't have reacted that way if she had done better with her parenting.

"It's perfectly possible to think, as I do myself, that her partner behaved indefensibly and it's not OP's fault, and think OP shouldn't have let her kid stand on the seat."

Sure, but the op was asking if her dp was being unreasonable. She wasnt asking for a lecture on parenting.

If you do have experience with a three year old, you would perfectly understand that most normal 3 year olds do test boundaries, stand on chairs and generally are restless. if he's putting himself in danger you can say to him sit please darling. Or you can let that one go for a bit. Both are OK things. Mine does, and I'd let him in that occasion. The environment sounds relaxed. No need to get worked up. These aren't victorian times. More importantly you aren't here to lecture the op. The partner has behaved like a shit and that's that.

These aren't victorian times

No one's claiming they are. It's a little bemusing that you seem to equate safety-conscious parenting with a Victorian mindset, though.

You're assuming (as I am) . The mum was maybe right next to the kid. If my son was right next to me I could hold him if anything happened. Or he might not have been in position to fall. Or smt else. We don't need to dissect it all in minute pedantic detail. Op decided it was OK in her context.

I'm equating strictness for strictness sake, no autonomy for children, not seen not heard from, children have no say in anything that happens to them with those times. But that's really another discussion.