Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

He shouldn't be parenting them at all. You need some boundaries

Yes, no one is coming out of this looking great. Your child is not calmly eating if he's standing on the seat.

In the boyfriend's place I'd probably reconsider the relationship. You should do the same. Incompatibility.

You've got the ick for a reason. Listen to your gut.

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down

Cue posters talking about abusive behaviour, manhandling, a sore arm and red flags.
All while ignoring that the child kept standing up while eating and repeatedly interacting with other customers who were trying to enjoy their meal.

OP, this is not acceptable behaviour, and I am not talking about your DP, please teach your child manners or don’t take him to restaurants.
Of course the sweating is not on, but I would have been very frustrated and mortified if a child sitting at my table was behaving this way.

I agree with the others op. Your partner’s behaviour was unacceptable, but so is you thinking it’s ok for a chikd to stand up on a restaurant chair. I mean come on.

Your child was not calmly eating his food.

You were the child's mother and did not speak gently to child to sit down when an adult (your boyfriend) indicated that the child's behaviour was not calm and was distracting.

I do not agree with the BF reaching over to sit your child down, however maybe was meaning to be helpful.

The drink spill was an accident.

The swearing was completely out of line and a major red flag!

You noticing your child standing up on the chair and thinking it was cute was poor. You not explaining to BF that your child was fine and cute and to leave it be was neglectful of you.

It is a situation where BF and you do not agree on standards of behaviour in a restaurant. Split up.

I think for a non parent a toddler standing on the seat would be considered misbehaviour. They haven’t reached the choosing your battles part of parenting, or it felt like creating a scene.

Regardless he didn’t need to try grabbing your DS and you do need to speak to him. And decide on boundaries and tell him to keep his hands to himself

OP: "He [the boyfriend] kept going sit down."

Did you do or say anything at this point? Because it sounds like your boyfriend was getting frustrated by what he thought was bad behaviour on the part of your son. So either you said nothing and it then escalates to him trying to physically get your son to sit down; or you said something and your boyfriend ignored it. Both are potentially problematic.

Your boyfriend was stepping in because you weren't- standing on booths or chairs isn't ok- not just because your child could fall but because other people have to sit there after. You should be teaching him some consideration on how to behave in restaurants

You're both in the wrong, he's wrong for grabbing him but you're wrong for doing nothing about it

I would feel stressed going out with anyone who let their three year old stand on a chair and wave at others for the duration of the meal.

I don’t understand why you just sat back and let all of this happen, without saying a word, like you were just an unrelated customer who happened to be sat in the same area. This is your boyfriend, this is your child. As the parent of a small child and as a girlfriend, it was down to you to set boundaries of acceptable behaviour for your child and your boyfriend. You could have shut this down as soon as it started rather than let it escalate to the point it did. And then to just pretend you hadn’t seen him knock the drink over was very strange.

What’s even stranger is that you’re now seemingly only concerned with the fact that you’ve lost attraction for him since it happened, rather than sitting him down and telling him your boundaries. Did you do that? Did you tell him not to try and parent your child?

You were unreasonable allowing your son to keep on doing this without at least suggesting he stay seated. Once or even a couple of times would be fine, but if I were the other family I'd start to get a bit annoyed by it after that.

Your partner was also unreasonable. It's hard to tell how unreasonable from the description - everyone suggesting it's always wrong to 'manhandle' a child is being a bit precious. Nobody I know parents a three -year-old without ever touching them. Yes, partner is not the child's parent, but we don't know how much involvement had been established as normal in this particular relationship. It's not stated in the OP that he was being rough with the child. A relatively gentle touch to get their attention when they're distracted would be fine in my book, as would (for example) lifting them over to the other side of the booth so the other people could eat their meal in peace.

His reaction after spilling the drink sounds angry - and swearing in front of the children is not okay - but I could imagine saying those words fairly calmly out of mild irritation with myself rather than uncontrolled rage at other people, so again impossible to tell from the description.

That said, you were there and your reaction tells its own story. Based on that it doesn't sound like your partner's behaviour was okay, at least to you. Whether or not his behaviour was wrong in itself, it wasn't how you wanted to parent your child. He needs to understand your boundaries and the need for you to take the lead in setting boundaries. And ultimately if he can't act the way you need him to, you should prioritise your children's needs over your relationship with him.

Two issues here.

Why weren't you telling your child to sit down? Why was your partner being left to do it you're the parent so you step up here.

He absolutely shouldn't have sworn I can see why if he's not a parent he might have been getting frustrated at telling your son to behave himself so much but no, no excuse. Leave him.

How do you know it wasn't bothering the other family?
Did you keep looking behind you to see if they were reacting?

Was he rough with him with his hand or did he just trying to guide him to sit down?

As for saying aw fucks sake, that's just something people often when they spill something etc. it doesn't sound like it was blaming you or your son.

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating
When he kept saying "sit down, sit down" did you pretend he wasn't saying that too?
That all seems extremely passive.
Did your son get to finish his meal?

You're BF shouldn't have done that but your son was not calmly eating his dinner if he was standing on his chair waving at another child. You should have stopped your son, the other family were being polite, your DS would have annoyed the hell out of me 🤷‍♀️

I agree and thought the same up until the reveal that the OP has been with him for a year and is not the child's father! He had no right to do that.

However, the OP should not be letting her child stand all over chairs in a restaurant and she shouldn't be letting a boyfriend of less than a year discipline her child.

Get rid and stand on your own two feet!

I think that this sums it up!

He's testing you to see what he can get away with before he escalates it to violence & abuse. The fact that you chose to ignore it has given him the green flag to increase his abuse.

You can't safeguard your own child against a man you've very quickly introduced to your son. He isn't a partner, that term indicates shared life values. He is just a man that you shag.

Bin him and protect your son.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do the online freedom programme and learn to spot red flags and implement boundaries.

There are two issues here; you need to learn how to keep child safe from paedophile and predators. You als need to kearn how to parent effectively so do a parenting course:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/

OFFS !

YOU should have been telling your 3 year old to sit down. Standing on the seats in a restaurant is not OK and your child is never too young to be taught this. Your boyfriend was rightfully embarrassed by your lack of parenting. I still wouldn't stand for him manhandling my child though, not his place.

@Tourmalines I stand by what I said, the op is at the start of her boiling frog journey, she's a weak and passive parent. The perfect person for an abuser to manipulate as she can't effectively manage her child & will ignore bad behaviour by both child and parent.

This.

He had no business correcting your child.

Get him out of your life and ensure the next bloke respects that you're the parent and keeps his hands off your children,

I don't think your child was being disruptive. It sounds like a family friendly place if there were other kids there. Just standing and waving is hardly going to ruin anyone's meal.

However - even if your child was being a complete PITA and misbehaving terribly- it is not your boyfriend's place to correct him. Certainly not to grab him. Massive crossing of boundaries there.

If your boyfriend doesn't like how you parent he can spend time with you away from the children or date someone else. He doesn't get to step in.

Prioritise your child and dump him.

I hope he bought your son a new meal after ruining his first one.

Not all physical contact is abuse, If that's your first thought at every opportunity, then maybe you should look at the scenario/situation more before judging.

👏🏻