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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

623 replies

koolpop · 03/04/2024 22:46

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

OP posts:
CheeryPye · 05/04/2024 20:37

Lots of children were behaving this way at this place.

were they aye? Lots of children were all standing on chairs. Of course they were...

Vanillalatte1 · 05/04/2024 20:46

Everyone saying her son shouldn't be standing on his chair whilst eating....GET A GRIP! He's 3! You probably did that too when you were 3! 3 year old aren't supposed to sit down for long periods of time, especially boys with their higher levels of testosterone. If he was happy and the seats can be wiped clean then who cares!!! I would've been really annoyed if my bf done that too. In the bin with him.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 05/04/2024 20:50

koolpop · 04/04/2024 12:25

I presumed mums net was a nice safe place to post and get advice from other mums with more experience than myself. This has not been the experience on this forum anyway it's been bashing and just exaggerating and pressuring the worst

Calling me lazy parent, bad parent, jermeny Kyle stuff. It's wild the exaggeration is beyond belief. And all over a 3 year old standing in a booth waving at another toddler he has been laughing and giggling with whilst getting food. No other families were bothered and if they were lighten up 😂 two kiddies having a giggle shouldn't ruin your meal.

The madness on this post is crazy.

Maybe all of you are terrible mums bashing someone this harshly, projection maybe (you all see the presumption and exaggeration I did there in an uno reverse to you all?)

There has been a few nice replies which has been nice. And if you are so bothered about a child standing for a few seconds. There's a nice way to say. Like personally I wouldn't, maybe you should consider. Not bashing and calling me a terrible parent over something so incredibly minor 😂

Then saying he's an abuser over it is also wild.

a friend once described mumsnet to me as ‘the pit of vipers’ and these comments and replies you’ve had illustrate exactly why. I totally get where you’re coming from. Three year olds aren’t robots and it’s not developmentally appropriate to expect them to sit still for long periods at a restaurant. Your son sounds like he was being sociable, fun and engaging in a situation which is supposed to be enjoyable for you all. It may well be different expectations from your DP around how children should behave and that’s something it might be helpful to discuss and to set some boundaries about how much parenting you expect from him

Vanillalatte1 · 05/04/2024 20:50

Freckles65 · 05/04/2024 19:28

OP I'm really sorry to read some of the posts on here. It's really unkind to bash people in this way. I have a feeling they wouldn't be so enthusiastic with their viewpoint if it was directly to your face.

My advice ... it's absolutely out of order to use the f word in front of a toddler so just based on that alone, I would ask myself if your bloke is right for you and your family anyway.

I work as a nursery teacher and so for me, teaching good table manners at 3 is perfectly reasonable. You wouldn't want your child standing up on the dining chairs at school. See these situations as excellent learning opportunities for him. Spending time explaining why he can't stand up on a chair in a public place etc. Being reasonable and explaining that it's okay to say hello but not to climb etc Consistency is key at this age. Mixed messages just set them up to fail. Tbh any child at nursery that is not given boundaries at home often find school life tricky which often leads to poor learning . You sound like a kind, understanding parent, so may be think about how you can educate your child in lots of different settings.

This!!! This literally the only comment I think you need to pay attention to.

Havinganamechange · 05/04/2024 20:50

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/04/2024 20:37

Even if the child has Sen you still have to parent them.

Show quote history

Of course you do but it’s not always as easy as saying that you shouldn’t let them do something. I have my own situ and I do my best to teach the right thing but it doesn’t always happen. It doesn’t hurt to be understanding.

Sulley2222 · 05/04/2024 20:52

Kids aren't adults and don't necessarily need to be held up to the standards of adult behaviour. I don't get the attitude that he must sit on his bum and ignore all other children and fight against his normal childish impulses. He wasn't causing a scene or being noisy so I see that as acceptable behaviour. Kids are made to move and interact and in a family place I think it's totally normal.
I would have totally been put off the guy but I have to say; a new man on the scene would not be disciplining my child at such an early stage of the relationship. I also have a partner who is not my childs Father and if he had taken such liberties it would have been game-over for me.

FOXYMORON1707 · 05/04/2024 21:22

Goodness all sounds normal and the boyfriend taking a near panic attack over it. Different if kid was waving over the whole time and being distracting.

Dump him sounds like a freak!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2024 21:31

This is a bit of pile on. Yanbu op. I’m glad to see you’re binning him off.

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 21:33

Im surprised so many people are condoning the bf’s behaviour

Me too, and surprised people are suggesting he was “parenting” because op wasn’t.

if he was a childminder everyone would be appalled and expecting him to be sacked.

I’d expect more of a bf of over a year..to have some understanding that you have to engage with a toddler- encourage, distract , entertain them and stay calm.

Barking orders at 3 year olds, losing your temper, swearing at your girlfriend is not good parenting and surprise surprise, it didn’t achieve anything positive.

Minfilia · 05/04/2024 21:38

Havinganamechange · 05/04/2024 20:25

@Minfilia you would think you would be more understanding of individual circumstances then.

Edited
Show quote history

Erm… you know people can see your edit history, right?

Havinganamechange · 05/04/2024 21:40

Minfilia · 05/04/2024 21:38

Erm… you know people can see your edit history, right?

Show quote history

Yes fully aware and I can’t change my mind about what I want to say?

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 21:42

There is a certain type of bloke who’s attracted to dating single mums for the following reasons:

1 ready made home- cooking and washing done for you, sex on tap

2 little responsibilities- the mum is used to running their home single handedly

3.they can come and go as they please- you can’t go out much socially

4.They assume single mums are flattered and grateful they’re interested

His previous gf was also a single mum and he made no bones of having no bond with her dd.

Be aware of men who want a relationship with a single mum for the above perks who simply put up with your dc as a bit of a nuisance.

Eleesah · 05/04/2024 21:51

Haven’t read the full thread but I’m glad you were letting your child have fun in the restaurant. When on holiday I’m always struck by how Greek/Italian/Omani/African etc restaurants let children play and have fun but English restaurants seem to just stick them on an iPad, so sad.

Anyway. Your partner sounds like crap dad material, sorry :(

Did he apologise to you for spilling the drink? Bet he didn’t.

Blondebrunette1 · 05/04/2024 22:27

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 21:33

Im surprised so many people are condoning the bf’s behaviour

Me too, and surprised people are suggesting he was “parenting” because op wasn’t.

if he was a childminder everyone would be appalled and expecting him to be sacked.

I’d expect more of a bf of over a year..to have some understanding that you have to engage with a toddler- encourage, distract , entertain them and stay calm.

Barking orders at 3 year olds, losing your temper, swearing at your girlfriend is not good parenting and surprise surprise, it didn’t achieve anything positive.

I agree, but I'd bet if the OP reversed the roles and said her DP was the one letting him stand on the chair and she grabbed his child and knocked drink over with her aggressive behaviour and swearing, these mumsnetter's would still be talking about her terrible parenting and not applauding her. Too many angry, bitter women, hating on women and pretending they're perfect on here sadly.... laughable. I hope the op takes them for what they are.

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 22:30

And for all the comments piously telling op to “parent your child” and your “bf wouldn’t have to”

..maybe she made a misjudgement letting her lad stand up but I guarantee there was a hell of a lot of parenting coming from her- making sure all the dc were happy, helping them choose their food, cutting it up, wiping their faces, keeping them quiet, engaging with them, taking them to the toilet, diffusing the tantrums, keeping them safe…

..all the bf did was moan at the boy and swear at his girlfriend when he knocked his drink over. Confused Hardly a hero.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 05/04/2024 23:18
  1. It was a buffet so child wasn't sitting still for long periods anyway
  2. Even if it wasn't... standing on a seat is not acceptable behaviour. If they get restless you take them for a walk, not let them climb on the furniture
  3. Places don't wipe the seats down omg
  4. The OP has since said she was telling DS to sit down but then gave up because she decided waving at his friend was OK. This could be perceived as giving up on trying to so DP took over, following her lead as she didn't go "Oh let him wave at Jenny from nursery".
  5. There is NOTHING in ANYTHING the OP has said which indicates his attitude was agressive other than he's a man so MN will hate him on principal. He was reaching across the table for an unknown reason and accidentally managed to knock a glass over. He didn't swipe the glass off the table or something
  6. Muttering "for fucks sake" isn't swearing AT anyone. It's an expression to the universe of annoyance. Different people's milage varies on swearing around children (around not AT) and accidental slips of the tongue still happen (think live TV where someone is surprised and accidentally let's a swear out for example)
  7. He's been with OP for a year and met the children after at least 3 months. Which means he's been in their lives for at least 9 months. He's not someone new in their life and should be allowed to chastise them for misbehaviour else they'll never respect him. Even with a friend I'd expect to be able to say something to their child if they were misbehaving...
  8. MN often says things like "if you two break up then SC won't be in your life any more so of course your DC are more important" yet here is a man who has done that and he's been called out for it too (idk on this, but if he had no emotional attachment and the Ex was one of you "DP is not the dad so has no right to have a say" types where he never got to bond anyway then I can see it)
Blueink · 05/04/2024 23:32

Sorry I don’t know why so many focussed on your DS and not your boyfriend.

How did it go? Have you got rid of him? I hope you all got away from him safely and he will have no further contact with any of you.

Based on what you said, your DC were potentially at risk from someone with lack of empathy and a short fuse.

I would urge a lot of caution going forwards when it comes to potentially introducing anyone into a family dynamic, especially with such young DC.

Please don’t be so trusting or keen to involve someone in your family life OP. That doesn’t meet don’t date, but keep them separate.

I do think he should’t have been involved in their lives in the first place after such a short term relationship, hopefully there will be minimal impact on them and will not have to deal with any more boyfriends.

Tourmalines · 05/04/2024 23:41

Hopefully boyfriend sees sense and runs .

Itsmychristmasdress · 05/04/2024 23:59

This thread is rhe worst of mn. Yeuch.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2024 00:01

Tourmalines · 05/04/2024 23:41

Hopefully boyfriend sees sense and runs .

?

SmileyClare · 06/04/2024 00:09

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 05/04/2024 23:18

  1. It was a buffet so child wasn't sitting still for long periods anyway
  2. Even if it wasn't... standing on a seat is not acceptable behaviour. If they get restless you take them for a walk, not let them climb on the furniture
  3. Places don't wipe the seats down omg
  4. The OP has since said she was telling DS to sit down but then gave up because she decided waving at his friend was OK. This could be perceived as giving up on trying to so DP took over, following her lead as she didn't go "Oh let him wave at Jenny from nursery".
  5. There is NOTHING in ANYTHING the OP has said which indicates his attitude was agressive other than he's a man so MN will hate him on principal. He was reaching across the table for an unknown reason and accidentally managed to knock a glass over. He didn't swipe the glass off the table or something
  6. Muttering "for fucks sake" isn't swearing AT anyone. It's an expression to the universe of annoyance. Different people's milage varies on swearing around children (around not AT) and accidental slips of the tongue still happen (think live TV where someone is surprised and accidentally let's a swear out for example)
  7. He's been with OP for a year and met the children after at least 3 months. Which means he's been in their lives for at least 9 months. He's not someone new in their life and should be allowed to chastise them for misbehaviour else they'll never respect him. Even with a friend I'd expect to be able to say something to their child if they were misbehaving...
  8. MN often says things like "if you two break up then SC won't be in your life any more so of course your DC are more important" yet here is a man who has done that and he's been called out for it too (idk on this, but if he had no emotional attachment and the Ex was one of you "DP is not the dad so has no right to have a say" types where he never got to bond anyway then I can see it)

If op doesn’t agree with his “parenting” she should trust her own judgment.

Shes listed many red flags-
-he doesn’t engage with the dc,
-he glares at them and intimidates the dc if they’re being silly or laughing in their own house
-he believes in strict punishment: referencing his dad who kept them in line with a belt
-he’s told her he “didn’t like” his ex gf’s dd despite living with them for 10 years.
-he makes no effort with the dc indoors
-he thinks Telling children off is where parenting begins and ends.

Op has a higher bar for a man in her children’s lives and rightly so.

stawbly · 06/04/2024 00:23

Tourmalines · 05/04/2024 23:41

Hopefully boyfriend sees sense and runs .

Eh?

NamelessBabygirl · 06/04/2024 00:25

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 22:30

And for all the comments piously telling op to “parent your child” and your “bf wouldn’t have to”

..maybe she made a misjudgement letting her lad stand up but I guarantee there was a hell of a lot of parenting coming from her- making sure all the dc were happy, helping them choose their food, cutting it up, wiping their faces, keeping them quiet, engaging with them, taking them to the toilet, diffusing the tantrums, keeping them safe…

..all the bf did was moan at the boy and swear at his girlfriend when he knocked his drink over. Confused Hardly a hero.

obviously I'm not op but just wanna thank you for this, this seems to completely be going over everybodies heads!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 06/04/2024 00:31

Well, if you look, I have said to OP their parenting styles vary and they shouldn't be together for that reason...

And he is concerned their giggling might disturb the neighbours (for all we know, this again is actually OP thinking their behaviour is ok but the neighbours don't because their "giggling" is actually screaming...)

I don't think she said HE was strict, he just said his father hit him?

OP won't LET him be involved in parenting beyond telling them off...

MN is full of Stepparents who clearly hate their SC

AnnieSnap · 06/04/2024 00:57

SmileyClare · 05/04/2024 21:42

There is a certain type of bloke who’s attracted to dating single mums for the following reasons:

1 ready made home- cooking and washing done for you, sex on tap

2 little responsibilities- the mum is used to running their home single handedly

3.they can come and go as they please- you can’t go out much socially

4.They assume single mums are flattered and grateful they’re interested

His previous gf was also a single mum and he made no bones of having no bond with her dd.

Be aware of men who want a relationship with a single mum for the above perks who simply put up with your dc as a bit of a nuisance.

Sometimes there is a 5th reason