Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

I think it's absolutely horrible his mum said to me have a baby first time she ever met me in the passing maybe 3 months in. I'm not her biggest fan I will not be having any babies with him especially not because she wants me to

That’s incredibly weird for his mum to leap in and say that. It’s irresponsible and demeaning too. Does she just see you as a baby maker for her son because you already have kids?

You’re clearly not compatible aa you have conflicting parenting styles and tbh his mum sounds like she wouldn’t Respect boundaries . It’s best for all concerned including the children if this just ends.

Next time if you’re not ready for a man to get involved with behaviour management it’s probably better if you don’t introduce him to the kids at all.

Problem solved and the children don’t get a string of men in and out their young lives!

Yeah, no. He can f*ck right off. If a man who is not my child’s parent and has known him for less than a year is reaching over me, his actual parent to tell him off basically for just being a child I would be furious. I’m the parent here, if I wanted him to do something differently I’d tell him myself. He wouldn’t be coming near me or my kids again.

Just dump him already. Sounds way too much hard work and weird stuff.

Also don't let your kids stand on seats. That's shit too.

So you've told him he isn't allowed to "parent" your child but you're also complaining he DOESN'T "parent" your child more????

It seems odd to me that you have come here to ask for people’s opinions and when they haven’t agreed with you, you seem very put out!

I don't think his behaviour is uncommon or even bad.

At 18 he was with a woman for 10 years who had a child.

And you expect him - several years on- to maintain that contact? By which time he was still only 28.

That's not realistic.

I have a friend (male) who was married for over 10 years to a woman who had 2 children. Once they divorced he never kept up contact (there was a relocation issue anyway) and the children were then adults.

Be honest- you don't really like this man.

The parenting issue seems to be a red herring and you're just looking for a reason to dump him.

LOL clearly you'd be very put out if a total stranger called your child out on bad behaviour in public!

That’s because she doesn’t actually know what she wants .

Dump the boyfriend.

Teach your children how to behave.

You need to raise your standards generally.

im hoping this is one of the light bulb moments where you read what you wrote and think … why? And then bin him off, he sounds like he loves taking all the credit for no or little input

He sounds grim and emotionally unavailable.

His mum sounds like she’s trying to palm him off onto another woman to get him off her hands for good and of course a baby would ensure that at least for some time.

I find it a very odd thing to say to you. Really weird. What is her game plan? It’s not the sort of thing you say to someone, anyone, meeting them for the first time.

Avoid. Both of them.

Really ? In a booth , not a chair , and to be honest if my child was calm and not trying to escape or refusing to eat , being loud etc I would happily allow them to stand .

I knew this thread would go badly as soon as I read the op.

You've focused on one restaurant scene without giving much context and are looking for validation that you are right.

Based on your later updates, this guy has been waving red flags at you from the start.

When you introduced him to your children it was soon apparent that he couldn’t or wouldn’t put effort into building a relationship with them. He doesn’t show interest or engage with them. He doesn’t play with them, praise them or encourage them.
He simply defaults into authoritarian dictator.

So no, you haven’t suddenly got “the ick” ; that trivialises your feelings.

Lesson learned for the next person you meet. Engage with your feelings more, don’t ignore the warning signs and think very carefully about letting a man into your dc’s lives.
It’s very confusing for them.

Well done for putting their needs first. I’d take some time to concentrate on them now x

You don’t need to ask opinions - you know this guy is not right for you. It will only get worse. Your kid irritates him and he irritates you. End of.

I am a parent and hate this. We had it this week when we went to a family pub for a meal. Toddlers in booth behind ours were trying to get my son's attention constantly. He is 8 so waved but that was it. Then one of them whacked me on the head. His mum was saying how cute it was 🤬

I can't tell from the OP if boyfriend was aggressive but perhaps he was pissed off with the child standing. If he was aggressive then that would be it for me - and also if he didn't apologise and buy a new meal for the toddler.

End the relationship if you want OP but please parent your child properly

parent your child is a lot more complex than “telling them off” though isn’t it?

Parents of 3 year olds know that if you demand they sit at a table, it won’t last five minutes if they’re getting zero stimulation or engagement from the adults they’re with.

Op says all the bf does is get cross and tell them off that’s not parenting children.
In fact, children soon learn any attention is better than none so will play up to be told off if that’s the only interaction they’re getting!

I suspect this was a situation where the scales fell from op’s’ eyes.
She was sitting next to a mother and child she vaguely knows from nursery and had a glimpse of her bf through someone else’s eyes-
she was embarrassed that he drew attention to himself by barking orders at the dc, knocking a drink over and getting angry- it’s just a horrible atmosphere...and she suddenly saw a future where he would always be like this around them.

@Bloom15 - your story is rather different to the OP, though, isn't it. In her story, both children were enjoying waving to each other, neither family was unhappy about it, and no-one was whacking anyone on the head. I am no cheerleader for badly behaved children in restaurants, but I don't see @koolpop's child's behaviour being so unacceptable or disruptive to either family, and it also seems clear to me that, if the other family had been unhappy, she would have redirected her child.

As @SmileyClare says, barking orders, knocking things over while trying to grab a child and manhandle him, and getting angry is not good parenting, and it is not very attractive in a partner.

I would 110% leave him. He has no right manhandling your child. I would have addressed the issue that night- you need to be a better advocate for your child.

I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old, both of whom we never let stand on Chairs in restaurants, (we teach them respect and manners) regardless of whether its Chairs or a booth. You sound as if you let your 3 year old do whatever he wants and that annoys your boyfriend.. BUT no way should you be letting your boyfriend of 1 year discipline your child, you should be teaching your 3 year old how to sit nicely in restaurants.

@koolpop Your bf doesn’t sound very child friendly. I’d be kicking him to the kerb.

I have kids now but even before I did in no way shape or form would a toddler giggling, laughing and waving be anything other than adorable. No one would be annoyed by that.

Get rid of him right now.

Haven't RTFT, just OP's posts and first few.

I would finish with someone who said "fuck sake" in front of my 3 yo. That's not how I want to raise my dc.

I'd also finish with a boyfriend of a year who thought he could overrule my parenting.

Hope you're OK OP, he doesn't sound very nice.

I think it’s good you’re so protective of your toddler but, TBH, if my DH had done exactly that with our DCs, I would have been fine with it and treated the drink spilling as an accident (because children shouldn’t do that and it is annoying for the other customers).

I agree with some PPs that the real reason for your ick is that you know your DP is only tolerating your toddler to keep a relationship with you and would drop him in an instant if you broke up, even if you had been together for years. Of course you want to (and should) put your child first before any partner.

Families have just as much right to be there as others. If people want a family free meal, go in the evening! Or YOU don’t go at all.

@Flamingos89 you just contradicted yourself there. If you expect those who don't want to be exposed to unrestrained kid behaviour to avoid certain places/times, then really you're saying you think families have more right to be there, aren't you? Which sounds an awful lot like lazy parent entitlement to me.

It is perfectly possible to parent effectively while still letting kids have fun and allowing for their young ages.

oh come on posters. 3 year old standing in the restaurant. of course you tell him to sit down, but you dont really expect him to stay quiet and sitting for an hour. You dont manhandle him or shout at him or get worked up so much that whilst trying to push him down you knock over drinks on the table. Little guy was probably excited to see his friend. Chill out.
OP’s bf was being v unreasonable, he probably has no idea on how to behave as a father figure himself. That can become worse over time with child being abused down the line (not saying it will but this is a red flag, as it happens in sooo many cases) if OP doesnt nip it in the bud right now. OP why did you ignore? You should speak to your bf, and put some firm boundaries about your child in place. He is first and your bf should be well aware of that. Otherwise he can find another gf.