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Original poster

Wedding reception invite wording

237 replies

Itsaweddingoneagain · 03/04/2024 15:49

Hi all I’m getting married at the end of the year. Me and DP are ‘eloping’ to vegas just the two of us. I say ‘eloping’ as it isn’t a secret and we have told our families. After many tears, arguments and pushbacks from both sides of our family we’ve decided to host a wedding reception in the UK the month after we get back. Not something we really wanted to do but both of our Mothers have explicitly told us they will never speak to us again if we don’t do something over here. We knew they would be mad hence why we told them before we went and got married.

We are planning a reception of about 50 people. Again much bigger than we would like but I have 5 siblings, DP has 4. They all have partners and both of our parents are remarried. We tried to keep it small but numbers quickly added up. Anyway the reception will start at 6pm and we will arrive at around 6:15/6:20 to make the traditional entrance. We will have speeches (this was important to both sides of our family), food which will be a traditional hog roast style spread, first dance and then it will carry on into the night.

Due to the nature of it we need everyone to arrive at no later than 6. We are worried that no matter what we tell people they will hear wedding reception so will think any time from 6. If people arrive later than this it will just not flow how we need it to. I want to add a tag line at the bottom of the invite saying something along the lines of “Due to having speeches and a sit down meal planned we need all bums on seats at 6pm sharp. If you cannot commit to this time kindly please decline the invite”. My Mum has told me this is really rude. I’m worried about people strolling in at 730 in the middle of speeches!! I’ve been to wedding receptions where people have arrived hours after the initial start time- I’ve never been to a wedding reception that didn’t have an actual wedding before it and nobody we know has either.

Maybe I’m just working myself up because I can’t be arsed with the bloody thing anyway.

OP posts:
AngelQuartz · 03/04/2024 21:12

After many tears, arguments and pushbacks from both sides of our family we’ve decided to host a wedding reception in the UK the month after we get back. Not something we really wanted to do but both of our Mothers have explicitly told us they will never speak to us again if we don’t do something over here.

That would be me cutting contact with the rest of my family then. This is next level psychotic.

Redwineislife · 03/04/2024 21:23

@Itsaweddingoneagain I completely empathise, we had a very similar wedding due to very similar circumstances. I didn’t even want a bloody wedding, but am a standard people pleaser so ended up ‘eloping’ to get the ceremony done and then all sorts of reception/party/renewal of vows shite that I hated but felt obliged to do because both of our families are bat shit crazy.

It ate away at me for years, but 20 years on my resentment has settled. Plus we are the only couple out of 6 siblings between us that are still married so I feel very smug 💪🏻😂

muggart · 03/04/2024 21:39

Oh god your family sound like mine. Tell them that since the wedding is for their benefit they need to sort it out and pay for it.

I literally did nothing for mine, I didn't even look round the venue or choose the invites. My DM & MIL put on an embarrassing charade for 150 of their friends. Absolute numbskulls.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/04/2024 21:43

Tbh OP, at this point I would have snapped and said to both mothers (and your siblings of they've joined in the ridiculousness) 'This entire shitshow you are creating is why we are getting married in Vegas. We've had enough. It's not happening. You need to cancel everything, because DF and I will not be attending.'

And if they threaten to not speak to you, frankly I'd enjoy the peace and quiet, and warn them that 'That's entirely your choice, but if you continue to try to railroad us into a wedding we do not want it is us that will not speak to you.'

And then when you're back from Vegas I'd take your lovely Granny to somewhere gloriously fabulous for a meal to celebrate, just you DH, and her. Seriously, the Ritz or something - blow the lot of them out the water.

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 00:05

@Itsaweddingoneagain I'm sorry, I really really don't get this. Its only 50 people and by the sounds of it its just family, can't you just text or ring people and say 6pm is the latest not from 6pm? Or better yet, get your mums to sort it.

Mnetcurious · 04/04/2024 00:13

So you’re basically still having a big wedding, just without the ceremony! Your mothers have no say, it’s your lives to live how you wish and you don’t owe anyone a wedding. As if they’d never speak to you again! What kind of parents would they be to cut contact over not getting to be mother of the bride/groom? Bin the reception idea if you don’t want the hassle, it’s not up to your mums.

toddlermam · 04/04/2024 07:11

both of our Mothers have explicitly told us they will never speak to us again if we don’t do something over here

Batshit.

Kaftanesque · 04/04/2024 07:51

Who are these mothers that are giving am ultimatum like this?None of our DCs are married, all in long term relationships but in no way would I ever say I wouldn't speak to them if they dint have a wedding or party.Their marriage.Their choice.And frankly reading some of the crazy wedding threads on MN I'm often relieved not to be involved in any way with wedding plans.

CatamaranViper · 04/04/2024 07:54

brocollilover · 03/04/2024 20:52

a hog roast is a three course sit down meal served by waiting staff? 🤔

Show quote history

You seem incredibly confused by the idea. Was OPs previous explanation not enough to help you understand?

IAmAnIdiot123 · 04/04/2024 08:00

I would put something like:

As you know we are getting married in Las Vegas but would love to celebrate with you in the UK. We are hosting the wedding breakfast on XXX date commencing at XXX time. Welcome drinks will be available at 6 and the official meal will begin at 6:30.

brocollilover · 04/04/2024 10:40

CatamaranViper · 04/04/2024 07:54

You seem incredibly confused by the idea. Was OPs previous explanation not enough to help you understand?

Show quote history

what this explanation…

It will be winter here and be served and carved as one of the main options to accompany a roast style dinner.

for 50 people
a hog roast (expensive, takes many hours prep and is generally a LOT of meat) with even more meat the OP say
all for people she doesn’t like

no, please help me understand you wise one 🤭

muggart · 04/04/2024 10:46

OP, ask yourself honestly- will you feel resentful about all this later? I can't believe you're paying a penny towards any of this.

You have the option to lie and tell them the vegas wedding is cancelled and you won't be getting married at all, and that you want everything else called off. They don't need to know.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2024 10:52

Itsaweddingoneagain · 03/04/2024 20:44

We have pushed back on a lot of things such as bridesmaids dresses for siblings (why?! There’s no bridesmaids!!) I know both of our mothers have purchased OTT outfits and hats though.

We have recently moved three hours away to a different country. Still in the UK but a different country to escape the family drama. I am English but my family are Irish and I had a traditional Irish catholic upbringing and the lack of church has been an extreme topic of controversy.

I have decided on the wording of the invites, thank you for all it the help. It is a complex situation with lots of background info I can’t really go into.

I’m excited to marry my DP and it just be the two of us. After we get back we are all going to one of our friends houses for a takeaway. That’s all we want and need. We will grin and bear the rest.

Well god help you when you have children.

If you're old enough to get married you're old enough to ignore this nonsense.

And if they're prepared to cut you off over it, they'll come crawling back for the DGC.
Or they're not worth it anyway

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/04/2024 11:11

Kaftanesque · 04/04/2024 07:51

Who are these mothers that are giving am ultimatum like this?None of our DCs are married, all in long term relationships but in no way would I ever say I wouldn't speak to them if they dint have a wedding or party.Their marriage.Their choice.And frankly reading some of the crazy wedding threads on MN I'm often relieved not to be involved in any way with wedding plans.

I would want to be at my own child's wedding because I love them and would want to be there for their big life milestones. It would make me feel sad if they chose to do that without me present.

But assuming that it was because they had chosen to get married without anybody present, rather than that they had had a wedding with guests but simply chosen not to invite me for some reason, I cannot imagine being willing to cut my own nose off to spite my face by stopping contact with my own child. If you love your child and treasure your relationship with them, why would you cut contact with them, or deliberately hurt them by threatening to cut contact with them? It just does not compute for me at all.

In addition to all this, the OP and her fiancé have nine siblings between them, most of whom appear happy to act as their parents' flying monkeys in this affair. So it's not even as if, by eloping, the OP and her fiancé are depriving their poor mothers of their one and only opportunity to don an enormous hat and strut about in front of their friends and family. Because there will be other weddings.

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/04/2024 11:22

juicelooseabootthishoose · 03/04/2024 20:51

I just want to say that i am so sorry you are being forced into something you don't want to keep the peace.

Myself and DP also want to elope and my mum would also be similarly manipulative to get the wedding SHE wants me to have not the wedding WE want to have.

So we just aren't getting married anytime soon as we can't be bothered with it all. As adults and at this point of life id really hoped to be done with all this rubbish.

Why don't you arrange the wedding you DO want, and not tell anyone if that spares you fallout? You're adults, you can elope if you like. Just saying "Well I won't get married at all then" is just daft, sorry. You can do it and not tell her. Why wouldn't you?

FWIW my MIL criticised the wedding DH and I wanted, she even rang my mum to complain that we weren't planning it how she expected. My mum pointed out that they'd [both mums] had their weddings how they wanted and now it was our turn to arrange ours as we wanted. MIL stopped threatening to not go and instead bought an outfit and hat.

(Same for OP really, just do what you want, you'll regret it forever if you don't. If I had families like OP's and her DP's, I'd invite OP's dad and a dependable person from DP's side as witnesses and just bog off to Gretna Green or the like. Sod them!)

Noseybookworm · 04/04/2024 23:01

I'm astonished that you have allowed yourselves to be railroaded into having a reception that you don't want 😳 frankly, I'd be telling both mothers that if they choose to never speak to you again over your choice of wedding, that's up to them! As to people arriving late, I wouldn't worry too much. Most people will arrive on time and will be there for your big entrance! If there's a few latecomers, I wouldn't stress about.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/04/2024 00:01

Your respective mothers sound terrifying. Perhaps they should issue the invites, agree the wording on how people should promptly arrive etc. 😉 Granted there’s a strong possibility you’ll turn up to find you’re having a church blessing and 200 have been invited but feck it, you’re having the wedding you want up to and including a cake, a first dance and no family in Vegas. How much do you care if the MILS run riot with their own chequebooks?

Or I would simply say “champagne/cocktail reception at 5, dinner served promptly at 6. Cash bar. Carriages at x” That will prompt some focus…

beanii · 05/04/2024 01:15

My husband and I eloped to Devon about 6 weeks ago - didn't tell anyone at all - came home, announced it on Facebook and that was it.

The most perfect wedding - about the 2 of us and the commitment we made to one another 🥰

OP I'd stand your ground and cancel the reception.

Doone22 · 05/04/2024 06:50

Itsaweddingoneagain · 03/04/2024 15:49

Hi all I’m getting married at the end of the year. Me and DP are ‘eloping’ to vegas just the two of us. I say ‘eloping’ as it isn’t a secret and we have told our families. After many tears, arguments and pushbacks from both sides of our family we’ve decided to host a wedding reception in the UK the month after we get back. Not something we really wanted to do but both of our Mothers have explicitly told us they will never speak to us again if we don’t do something over here. We knew they would be mad hence why we told them before we went and got married.

We are planning a reception of about 50 people. Again much bigger than we would like but I have 5 siblings, DP has 4. They all have partners and both of our parents are remarried. We tried to keep it small but numbers quickly added up. Anyway the reception will start at 6pm and we will arrive at around 6:15/6:20 to make the traditional entrance. We will have speeches (this was important to both sides of our family), food which will be a traditional hog roast style spread, first dance and then it will carry on into the night.

Due to the nature of it we need everyone to arrive at no later than 6. We are worried that no matter what we tell people they will hear wedding reception so will think any time from 6. If people arrive later than this it will just not flow how we need it to. I want to add a tag line at the bottom of the invite saying something along the lines of “Due to having speeches and a sit down meal planned we need all bums on seats at 6pm sharp. If you cannot commit to this time kindly please decline the invite”. My Mum has told me this is really rude. I’m worried about people strolling in at 730 in the middle of speeches!! I’ve been to wedding receptions where people have arrived hours after the initial start time- I’ve never been to a wedding reception that didn’t have an actual wedding before it and nobody we know has either.

Maybe I’m just working myself up because I can’t be arsed with the bloody thing anyway.

Explicit on invite: 5.30 for 6pm. Everyone knows what that means. If they're late they won't get fed usually.

hot2trotter · 05/04/2024 07:18

You and your husband to be need to grow back bones sharpish. No way would I allow myself to be dictated to like that. Both families sound toxic and not something anyone would choose to be a part of.

Heronwatcher · 05/04/2024 07:48

Putting an itinerary is a good idea, but you should know that people WILL be late, whatever you write. You just have yo shrug your shoulders and deal with it. The only reason most people aren’t late for a wedding reception is that they are already there! Why do you care anyway?

Continue to call it a party, be open about the fact you’ll already be married. Stop talking to family about any more of the arrangements from now. Put up with what you can and get through the day.

If your family moan/ complain/ criticise just say you’re sorry they didn’t enjoy it, you were always not sure it was the best idea and move on. They’ll have forgotten about it once the next family issue comes along and if they haven’t then it’s their problem.

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 08:17

hot2trotter · 05/04/2024 07:18

You and your husband to be need to grow back bones sharpish. No way would I allow myself to be dictated to like that. Both families sound toxic and not something anyone would choose to be a part of.

no chance

i predict dozens of mumsnet threads once / if (hopefully not) the op has children and introduces the poor kids to this shit show of a family. On both does no less

Lakelandmumofthree · 05/04/2024 08:40

For someone who isn't bothered about the wedding party you seem VERY bothered to me. I'd just chill out, say arrive by 6 and if they're late then they're late. You wouldn't want someone rushing and having an accident.

ToffeePennie · 05/04/2024 08:45

”please come celebrate our Marriage
doors open at 5:30 for a 6pm start.
please indicate your preference of chicken or the vegan option below
thanks so much”

Lakelandmumofthree · 05/04/2024 08:48

I also think weddings are a family affair, the only reason your parents want to be involved is because they Love you! It's not selfish entitlement, they want to see you on the happiest day of your life. I think that's amazing and something some people would wish for, don't take their love for granted because one day they won't be here for you to share special moments with!