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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to share a room on holiday with MIL

230 replies

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:01

My LT fiancé's parents kindly paid for all of us to go to new forest this year with his three nephews, sister, her husband and his parents. The three nephews are an absolute pain, they are badly behaved, rude and irritating.

I've now been told I'm no longer going to be sharing a room with my fiancé as the three boys want to share a room with their uncle. Obviously, I'm not happy sharing a room with my MIL for 4 days, although I love her to bits. I'm a grown adult.
Both my fiancé and me have agreed we no longer want to do family holidays with them because it's exhausting and we aren't exactly a big fan of children, albeit they are family.

AIBU for not wanting to share a room with my MIL and no longer wanting to participate in family holidays with them?
If so, how do we go about telling them in the future we no longer want to join without upsetting them.

OP posts:
Wexone · 02/04/2024 15:58

esta2024 · 02/04/2024 15:53

Dh's grandfather (my MIL's dad) lives in europe and since birth all her kids would go to stay at his home over Christmas (also his birthday). He has a 3 bed house and MIL (my MIL) has 4 children.

So as her kids has grown up the family has expanded to include me + DH, First SIL + her DH +her baby, Second SIL plus boyfriend, 3rd SIL. Second SIL's boyfriend is a new development and in the past when it was too cramped and DH and i couldn't afford a hotel room as newly weds, we would decamp to the basement (which had no heating) but I guess he didn't want to do that. Once second SIL's boyfriend has joined the merry party, first SIL has had to get a hotel room like DH and I have done for the past few years.

Somehow when they needed to get a hotel room, first SIL's MIL (her dh's mum) also decided she needed a holiday in europe at the same time and also to spend time with her new grand-daughter. It could well be a financial thing but i think that SIL's MIL's paying to fly all the way from america to europe to share the costs of a single hotel room (for a week) is a bit much. The flight was over a thousand! Surely if she wanted to help her son and DIL out, it would be better to just give them the money. I think she is just very involved! They shared the same hotel room that DH and I stayed in as a couple so it must have been cramped. it was not a fancy hotel, less than a hundred quid per night and dh and i booked too late.

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Totally agree -i couldn't do that for one night let alone a week -Surely with the cost of the flight the couple of extra euros on an extra hotel room wouldn't have made a difference
Sounds like a bit more of FOMO though from MIL or as you say too heavily involved

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 15:58

I would have just not accepted in the first place.

However, I'm glad your fiance is standing firm. He needs to make sure that his request for a room for you two is honoured. If not I would be turning round and going home.

Dextersenergy · 02/04/2024 15:59

Honestly? More fool you two if you go. A holiday booked without consulting you, and ridiculous sleeping arrangements being forced on you. Oh, and it's a holiday neither of you really want to go on anyway. It's just a matter of thanks for the offer, but the arrangements don't work for us and we'd prefer not to go.

Blossomclouds · 02/04/2024 16:01

Absoutely don't let the kids dictate, it's nice of the in-laws to pay for a holiday, but it's no holiday if you're under the thumb and told what to do the whole time. Nip this in the bud before it becomes a bad habit. They can sleep with their Grandpa

Anxioustealady · 02/04/2024 16:09

Hi OP, I have some questions -

  1. How far is it for you to travel and how are you getting there? I would worry they'll say OK you and your fiance can stay together but that will all change when you arrive. I would make sure you can leave and go home/to another hotel, ideally drive yourself there.
  1. Have you recently tried to enforce boundaries or step back slightly? Maybe you didn't go to theirs for Christmas etc. I wouldn't be surprised if this was them trying to claw your fiance back and assert control. On the surface it's a nice gift but it's not really. You aren't children they can make decisions for like that.

I'm riled for you lol

GabriellaMontez · 02/04/2024 16:15

Set your stall out right now.

Don't go.

Make it clear how things will be in future. You're being bullied and used.

GingerPirate · 02/04/2024 17:09

Why go on "holiday" with your MIL.
Baffling.

caringcarer · 02/04/2024 17:23

AppleKatie · 02/04/2024 12:03

Your DP needs to tell his family that this year (and every year) he is sharing with you not his nephews! And if that goes down badly neither of you go- it’s them not you OP!

This. Why doesn't your fiancé speak up?

Topseyt123 · 02/04/2024 17:40

bellezarara · 02/04/2024 12:10

Forget the future, fiancé needs to speak up now and say we agreed to attend on the basis that fiancé and I would share a room. If we can’t have a room to ourselves we won’t be coming.

Exactly what I would be saying.

No way would I ever have shared a room with anyone other than my DH. I certainly wouldn't even have considered sharing with my MIL. She was an extremely heavy smoker and snored like a train as well.

I'd back out of the holiday and go somewhere else, just you and DH. If/when asked why then I would have no qualms about being blunt and honest.

PeaceandCakes · 02/04/2024 18:10

I find these threads really eye opening.

I can't believe that grown ups get themselves into these situations.

Why are you doing something you don't want to @seeitthroughmyeyes ?

And why is your fiance?

Presumably you are both at least late 20s, or in your 30sor even 40s?

I think it's appalling that a young nephew has the 'say' over where adults sleep.

He sounds utterly spoilt and his parents need to give their heads a jolly good wobble.

Just don't go.

Let the control freak MIL and the spoilt nephews have the holiday - alone!

ToxicChristmas · 02/04/2024 18:22

Sounds miserable (with or without sharing a room with MIL). Who wants to go on holiday with badly behaved children and an over indulgent grandma? Why on earth would your partner want to sleep in a room with his nephews who will undoubtedly get up early and be over excited? Ridiculous.
I'd sack it off entirely. More fool them that they booked without consulting you beforehand.
If your partner still wants to go that's up to him. Next time they book a holiday and inform you that you will be going, refuse instantly. Don't dither and say maybe or get pushed into it with a guilt trip. You don't enjoy it, it's not how you want to spend your precious annual leave and that's that. I'm sure it will call ructions but I'd rather that than the holiday from hell!

Iloveacurry · 02/04/2024 18:26

Fuck that. Just don’t go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/04/2024 18:31

We weren't particularly happy when we found out it had been booked prior to discussion

I don't blame you; who on earth does that, risking that you might have something else on which you can't move?

It works out well though, since if you simply back out they'll be no worse off than if an "unmovable event" had stopped you going, and hopefully they'll have the sense to ask you next time (even if you don't intend there to be one)

strawberry2017 · 02/04/2024 18:38

This is so inappropriate. It would be a firm no from me.
The nephews don't get to dictate. Sounds like the parents are encouraging this so they get an easy time and your husband has to deal with them. There's no way I would want to share a room with my MIL at all over my partner, and I like my MIL

Genevieva · 02/04/2024 18:42

I think someone is lying and this has nothing to do with what the nephews want. It is because they don’t want to pay for an extra room for your fiancé and you. If you share with MiL and he shares with the boys they don’t have to book a room for the two of you.

slippedonabanana · 02/04/2024 19:10

There's obviously only 4 bedrooms, not enough for the group, so you and DF are being split and squashed into other rooms. MIL must think you two are easier to manipulate than the parents of the wild boys.

ttcat37 · 02/04/2024 19:32

That sounds like the shittest holiday ever, I wouldn’t go. They clearly have you there to have a break from looking after their shitty kids. I would 100% be getting flu that week

itsjustbiology · 02/04/2024 19:39

Such a shame you will come down with D + V day before you are due to go!

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 20:00

slippedonabanana · 02/04/2024 19:10

There's obviously only 4 bedrooms, not enough for the group, so you and DF are being split and squashed into other rooms. MIL must think you two are easier to manipulate than the parents of the wild boys.

Yip 4 bedrooms and they are trying to shoe horn 4 people into one of them. I don't think I've ever seen holiday accommodation with 4 bed in one room other than a family hotel room

Original poster
seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 20:15

shenandoahvalley · 02/04/2024 14:41

And why is the FIL getting a room all to himself? Because he's the elder male? Why can't he sleep with his grandsons? SIL and BIL get to have a room to themselves, totally not inconvenienced by their OWN children, on a holiday booked for THEIR children. Unbelievable!

I'm so angry on your behalf I'm actually typing really hard on my keyboard 😂

I was furious, Christmas Day when she told us, we both looked at each other and wanted to scream. The thought of another week spent wanting to gauge my eyeballs out.
I did inform MIL to not book anything again without informing us. We are also going to let her know we will not be participating on family holidays as it's not something we personally enjoy. Wish me luck!!!

OP posts:
albatrossjoe · 02/04/2024 20:24

You've made the right call here OP! My SiL very much books holidays based on her and her children's needs and we're all expected to go along with it. She decides the location, books the accommodation and decides what we do, what we eat etc. I hate it. There's another one coming up and I've made it clear to DH I'm not going on any more. Our situation is different in that we also have children, but they don't get a look in with regards to needs or attention when SiL and family are there. You won't regret sticking to your guns on this one!

Theoldbird · 02/04/2024 20:26

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 20:15

I was furious, Christmas Day when she told us, we both looked at each other and wanted to scream. The thought of another week spent wanting to gauge my eyeballs out.
I did inform MIL to not book anything again without informing us. We are also going to let her know we will not be participating on family holidays as it's not something we personally enjoy. Wish me luck!!!

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well in that case you need to opt out of this one. 'we didn't enjoy it much last time so don't want to do it again.' they can hardly argue with that.

TheHumanSatsuma · 02/04/2024 20:35

Anameisaname · 02/04/2024 12:02

Um why doesn't your fiance say no, I'm sharing with my DP!

Exactly

CrispieCake · 02/04/2024 21:26

Personally I'd give this holiday a swerve. Let your fiance suffer enjoy his nephews without you there as an encumbrance.

What job are you in that you get so much holiday that you're ok wasting it on dictatorial rugrats and their enabler adults?

Compash · 02/04/2024 22:40

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 20:15

I was furious, Christmas Day when she told us, we both looked at each other and wanted to scream. The thought of another week spent wanting to gauge my eyeballs out.
I did inform MIL to not book anything again without informing us. We are also going to let her know we will not be participating on family holidays as it's not something we personally enjoy. Wish me luck!!!

Show quote history

I just KNEW she'd have nabbed your Christmas too! These types always think they 'own' Christmas! Totally understand and relate to your fury.

And I do indeed wish you luck! In my experience, when you start to put your foot down, you get an 'extinction burst' - the bossy one freaks out even harder as they feel their control being challenged.

Hold your nerve! And think of the relief when everyone else is being pushed around the bedrooms like her own personal chess pieces and you don't have to go through it.