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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to share a room on holiday with MIL

230 replies

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:01

My LT fiancé's parents kindly paid for all of us to go to new forest this year with his three nephews, sister, her husband and his parents. The three nephews are an absolute pain, they are badly behaved, rude and irritating.

I've now been told I'm no longer going to be sharing a room with my fiancé as the three boys want to share a room with their uncle. Obviously, I'm not happy sharing a room with my MIL for 4 days, although I love her to bits. I'm a grown adult.
Both my fiancé and me have agreed we no longer want to do family holidays with them because it's exhausting and we aren't exactly a big fan of children, albeit they are family.

AIBU for not wanting to share a room with my MIL and no longer wanting to participate in family holidays with them?
If so, how do we go about telling them in the future we no longer want to join without upsetting them.

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 02/04/2024 14:26

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:16

Yes it has, this is something they often do. It was a Christmas present. Which means it was booked and paid for prior to us knowing Easter Angry

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Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would absolutely NOT be going on that holiday. Bite the bullet, or rather, your fiancé should text them to tell them ASAP if he doesn’t have the cojones to phone

WoollyRosebud · 02/04/2024 14:30

HeresMyBreakdown · 02/04/2024 14:20

If that is the case then the dad of the children can share with the children and the mother of the children can share with MIL, nothing to do with OP and her fiance

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Exactly my thought too. If, and it’s a big if, you do along on this hideous shindig OP how are you travelling there? Assuming not a large charabang that will hold the extended family then you get there first and claim a bedroom for yourself and your fiancé. Take a portable lock for the door so if one isn’t provided you can get some privacy from small spoilt early morning visitors

Theoldbird · 02/04/2024 14:40

Newestname002 · 02/04/2024 13:40

I suspect whatever was agreed beforehand MIL or whoever would revert to what THEY want on your arrival.

This "holiday" which was foisted on the OP and her fiancé isn't worth them giving up their precious holiday allocations. If that's a problem, it's the in laws' problem for acting so presumptively.

@seeitthroughmyeyes you and your partner should both be very firm in saying 'No thanks' to this and future similar assumptions and arrange your own vacations how you want them. 🌹

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100%. the kids will tantrum they want to bunk in with uncle and op will be the big meanie for not giving in.

@seeitthroughmyeyes why on earth would you give up several days of annual leave for this?? just refuse to go, something has come up. it doesn't serve women to be too accommodating. it's always to our own detriment.

shenandoahvalley · 02/04/2024 14:41

And why is the FIL getting a room all to himself? Because he's the elder male? Why can't he sleep with his grandsons? SIL and BIL get to have a room to themselves, totally not inconvenienced by their OWN children, on a holiday booked for THEIR children. Unbelievable!

I'm so angry on your behalf I'm actually typing really hard on my keyboard 😂

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 14:45

It's all completely nuts.
Just no way would I be agreeing to it. And if I did go I'd have my Plan B in place should I need it, ie somewhere else to bunk for the night before travelling home should they rearrange en-route. But I really wouldn't trust his family an inch.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 02/04/2024 14:52

OP and fiance have one room
Fiance's sister shares with her mum
Her husband shares with his kids and keeps them in check.
FIL gets his own room. Although why he is coming along when they have been divorced 20 years is a another question in itself.

The whole thing sounds thoroughly enmeshed and dysfunctional. Boundaries need drawing now, before marriage. Can you imagine how this plays out after marriage, especially if OP gets over her dislike of kids and has her own?!

GreatGateauxsby · 02/04/2024 14:54

even with my own room I wouldn’t go… it’s my idea of hell.

I would come down with either d&v or crippling migraine and send DP alone.
see how much he enjoys it solo….

LightDrizzle · 02/04/2024 14:57

Oh god! This was purchased without consultation so you have no obligation to go. I’d save my precious annual leave for something I actually enjoy and let fiancé suffer alone. It’s his family 😂

There will doubtless be some disapproval but at least it frames expectations for the future.

I like children but this sounds shit.

Compash · 02/04/2024 14:58

Just out of interest: did they claim a lot of your Christmas holidays too 'because it's faaamillyyy'? 🤔

Tempnamechng · 02/04/2024 15:07

I wouldn't go, just say that you don't have enough annual leave to do your own holidays and the family hell holidays. Go this time, if you want to, and as long as you and your dh have absolutely have your own room, but make it very clear that this is the last holiday you will be joining them on. If you do go use it as a test to make sure your df will stand up to them for himself and for you once you are married.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/04/2024 15:22

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:24

Just spoken to my DF, he's made it clear it's not happening, he thought it was just a running joke, but apparently it's not! MIL has said it's going to upset 3rd nephew. DF has said it's not happening.Grin

Glad he has said no

Why on Earth would he want to share a room with 3 boys instead of you

Ans meanwhile his sister escape parenting

How many bedrooms are there as does sound not enough

MitchellMummy · 02/04/2024 15:23

No way for me! A bedroom on a family holiday isn't just somewhere to sleep but somewhere to escape to and read/listen to music on your own if you need to.

Wexone · 02/04/2024 15:37

esta2024 · 02/04/2024 12:18

my SIL shared a hotel room for over a week with her MIL, DH and baby. That would be you in a few years time if you don't establish some boundaries.

Ewww - How on earth did that happen ? That is so so wrong

Pigeon31 · 02/04/2024 15:40

Pull a sickie or have a work emergency the week before.

quizzys · 02/04/2024 15:43

If you let this happen, I can just see your wedding. Your (future) husband sharing the wedding night bed with his three nephews. You will be sleeping with MIL as planned by her, negligee and all.

Concannon88 · 02/04/2024 15:45

@seeitthroughmyeyes id be fufked if I was being told who I was sleeping with. I've got a kid and even i don't want holidays with other peoples kids. Group family holidays are for certain kinds of people and its sounding like you aren't one of them.

Ultravox · 02/04/2024 15:45

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Either you & your partner share a room or you refuse to go. Even the suggestion of this would push me towards not going.

I have a similar family set up ( I’ve got 3 DS) and we have done several big multigenerational family holidays. My boys love my brother to bits, but the thought of telling his partner that she would be sharing a room with my mum so the boys can share with him is just ridiculous!

RitaIncognita · 02/04/2024 15:46

Am I the only one surprised that FIL is going on a family holiday in spite of him and MIL being divorced for 20 years? How bizarre!

I had the same thought. My parents divorced when I was a child. The only times they were in the same building as the other was at my wedding, my brother's wedding, and the weddings of our children. On the other hand, DH has remained on good terms with his ex-wife, as I am as well, but I still can't imagine going on holiday with her.

godmum56 · 02/04/2024 15:46

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:09

Honestly, we haven't really discussed it. My MIL is quite... demanding. Me and my partner didn't really discuss it as we assumed it's something that will be quickly forgotten by the time we go, but it got brought up again over the Easter weekend.

I said to him, it's not happening. He has told his DM that it's not appropriate to share with his three nephews, but they are adamant they want to and they always get what they want. This is the reason we no longer want to participate in holidays

then say no and don't participate in this one

lovescats3 · 02/04/2024 15:46

This is ridiculous, put your foot down now and stop putting up with this crap or you'll have the whole lot of them on your honeymoon 😂

godmum56 · 02/04/2024 15:46

Pigeon31 · 02/04/2024 15:40

Pull a sickie or have a work emergency the week before.

Nope. Foot down, no messing

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2024 15:48

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:09

Honestly, we haven't really discussed it. My MIL is quite... demanding. Me and my partner didn't really discuss it as we assumed it's something that will be quickly forgotten by the time we go, but it got brought up again over the Easter weekend.

I said to him, it's not happening. He has told his DM that it's not appropriate to share with his three nephews, but they are adamant they want to and they always get what they want. This is the reason we no longer want to participate in holidays

"I'm sorry, but the boys need to learn the word no. And I am saying no, its inappropriate and unfair to my fiancee who I want to share a room with. They are old enough to understand now."

This is what your fiancee should be saying.

If he doesn't I would be reconsidering the marriage due to the family tbh.

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 15:49

Totally unreasonable to expect a man to share a bedroom with three boys who are not his children. He's too old for sleepovers! Wrong on so many levels particularly when his fiancee is there and assumed he would be sharing with her. Also assuming the fiancee would be happy to share with her MIL to be, if it was her DM not so bad, but this woman is a stranger really. Glad you seem to have sorted it out.

iwafs · 02/04/2024 15:51

I bet my ass that the boys haven’t demanded to share with their uncle. I bet that their parents want some time off parenting and them or MIL has cooked up the idea of your fiancé doing the childcare overnight.

it is a straight out no: you and fiancé share a room or don’t go - the med.

esta2024 · 02/04/2024 15:53

Wexone · 02/04/2024 15:37

Ewww - How on earth did that happen ? That is so so wrong

Show quote history

Dh's grandfather (my MIL's dad) lives in europe and since birth all her kids would go to stay at his home over Christmas (also his birthday). He has a 3 bed house and MIL (my MIL) has 4 children.

So as her kids has grown up the family has expanded to include me + DH, First SIL + her DH +her baby, Second SIL plus boyfriend, 3rd SIL. Second SIL's boyfriend is a new development and in the past when it was too cramped and DH and i couldn't afford a hotel room as newly weds, we would decamp to the basement (which had no heating) but I guess he didn't want to do that. Once second SIL's boyfriend has joined the merry party, first SIL has had to get a hotel room like DH and I have done for the past few years.

Somehow when they needed to get a hotel room, first SIL's MIL (her dh's mum) also decided she needed a holiday in europe at the same time and also to spend time with her new grand-daughter. It could well be a financial thing but i think that SIL's MIL's paying to fly all the way from america to europe to share the costs of a single hotel room (for a week) is a bit much. The flight was over a thousand! Surely if she wanted to help her son and DIL out, it would be better to just give them the money. I think she is just very involved! They shared the same hotel room that DH and I stayed in as a couple so it must have been cramped. it was not a fancy hotel, less than a hundred quid per night and dh and i booked too late.