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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still out 14 hours later on a BH

400 replies

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:25

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 00:23

Your daughter may be 25 but you are giving her a very bad example of what a relationship should be. Get rid of him.

Runnerinthenight · 02/04/2024 00:25

Get the fuck rid of him!!! Why is this even a question?!

Do not subject your DD to this any longer - are you mad?! What is in this for you anyway? His arse wouldn't even touch the ground if that was me!

crumblingschools · 02/04/2024 00:26

Will he be driving?

CarrotCake01 · 02/04/2024 00:28

A. You know what you have to do

B. Why are you raising your children around someone like this, that has such a blatant disrespect for you?

Do you want your daughter to end up with a partner like this? ... then don't set the example for her that this is normal and acceptable.

Mummame2222 · 02/04/2024 00:28

YBU. What did you expect? He can only treat you this way as long as you let him.

MrFirstTimeBuyer · 02/04/2024 00:29

YABU for being with him.

Avatartar · 02/04/2024 00:41

YABVU - take control, hold over you = rubbish. Dump him & buy a car or get a job you can walk/ bus to.
the first thing you should do is ring the police to save a life or few potentially by getting him off the road whilst under the influence.
secondly kick him out.

TheFireflies · 02/04/2024 00:44

I know most people say you aren’t being unreasonable, but really, you are - for putting up with this shit. You need better boundaries. Why are you letting someone cheat and mess you around like this, let alone the drug issues.

Mmhmmn · 02/04/2024 00:45

You’re being unreasonable by being in a toxic relationship with and exposing your young daughter to, some arsehole druggie. Get a grip - and raise your bar.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/04/2024 00:46

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:52

My house, his car.
I've no clue tbh

Well he can sleep in his car then, when you change the locks. You are worth much more than this.

Louise303 · 02/04/2024 00:51

You have to think about your daughter I hope you cut this man out of your life not a good environment for your little one.

Louise303 · 02/04/2024 00:54

StarDolphins · 01/04/2024 22:36

No way on earth I would put up with this behaviour. Plus, if he’s been drinking taking drugs then is driving to work at 4am, I would dump him just for that.

Also, getting the hump for taking your DD out for the day? No, sorry, I would be telling him to F off. Your poor DD being around this.

This is scary to think that any man would get annoyed at a mother taking her child out on her birthday.

InSpainTheRain · 02/04/2024 00:56

I think him being out for 14 hours on a BH is entirely irrelevant. What is really the question is why you are exposing your DC to him and why you are in a relationship with him?

AngelQuartz · 02/04/2024 00:58

Louise303 · 02/04/2024 00:51

You have to think about your daughter I hope you cut this man out of your life not a good environment for your little one.

The little one is 25. But I do agree that OP needs to cut him out of their lives.

HoppingPavlova · 02/04/2024 00:58

You are the one out of order for being in a relationship with this loser, he sounds vile.

Louise303 · 02/04/2024 01:00

AngelQuartz · 02/04/2024 00:58

The little one is 25. But I do agree that OP needs to cut him out of their lives.

Show quote history

Sorry thought it was a child hope she does her daughter must also be so worried about her mum.

AliceMcK · 02/04/2024 01:02

MonsteraMama · 01/04/2024 22:42

YABU for staying in a relationship with a cheating druggie and inflicting his bullshit on your child. Do better, your daughter deserves to realise that this is not what relationships are meant to be like. Unless you want her to end up with a cheating druggie one day too?

I was just about to write something similar but this sums it up!

SnowFrogJelly · 02/04/2024 01:05

L T B

JockTamsonsBairns · 02/04/2024 01:24

TicTac80 · 01/04/2024 23:26

Ugh, this sort of shit reminds me of my XH. I never forget how sick I used to feel each time he went AWOL. Luckily I had my own car (and he had his own car), and it was just my name on the tenancy agreement....but I would never know if he'd be back (or in a fit state) to watch the kids/do school run etc (I was the breadwinner). Biggest regret I have? Not ending things sooner. It took me years to build up the courage to and I became a shell of my former self (I'm back on track now though!).

Seriously, end this now. I was terrified (XH had nasty streak when he was drunk/high) but a handful of years down the line and my life is much better. Even once he left, things were a lot more peaceful....and the difference it made to the kids was phenomenal (I was trying to shield them from stuff). Good luck x

This.
You have totally described my life with my ex-H.
I get it, and completely understand ♥️ .

0sm0nthus · 02/04/2024 01:38

I hope you can have a reshuffle & shuffle this man out of your life!

KenAdams · 02/04/2024 01:54

I hope you left his belongings outside!

Margritte · 02/04/2024 02:05

Why in God's name would you be in a relationship like this?

It sounds dire. Get out OP. A better life awaits you.

brentwoods · 02/04/2024 02:22

RampantIvy · 01/04/2024 22:33

It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!

You lost me at this ^^
Why are you with him?

Raise your bar.

YABU for not dumping him.

Edited

THIS. YABU for staying with him. Why would you want him to come home?

Northernsouloldies · 02/04/2024 02:27

I doubt he's going to work after a 14 hr drink drug bender.you need rid of this guy.

MustBeGinOclock · 02/04/2024 02:50

Op please think more if yourself and kick him out. He's walking all over you.

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