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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still out 14 hours later on a BH

400 replies

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:25

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 01/04/2024 22:57

You've said it's toxic wtf are you still together?

AngelsandAliens · 01/04/2024 22:58

No one deserves to be treated that way , I know it’s easy me to say but you deserve better than this ! It sounds unhealthy . Get rid of people like that in your life .

Sprinkles211 · 01/04/2024 22:59

Yabu to even let this man near your children

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2024 22:59

Sounds like you need a plan for a new car but you’ve lots of headspace with a huge weight taken off your life (or will be very soon) so I have no doubt you can work it out! Things are looking bright, you just need to get him out.
if he’s been driving under an illegal influence report him.

windywalk · 01/04/2024 22:59

This post made me feel sick as I relate.

Looking back now my horrible abusive relationship is firmly in the past my main regret is the shite I put up with and for how long. It's so difficult when you are in the thick of it.

Tell him to fuck off, then fuck off some more.

Acting like a young, foolish lad.

Being solo and having your peace of mind cannot be any worse than living with this twat.

SantasRubiksCube · 01/04/2024 23:01

I voted that YABU ...... for staying with such a scummy excuse for a man. There's absolutely nothing you've said about him that makes him sound like someone worth being with, he's treating you with complete disregard and disrespect and he knows he can get away with it. Regardless of how old your daughter is or whether she lives with you or not, it will still be upsetting for her to see her mum being treated this way, would you want her to end up with someone like him?! Set the example and get rid asap

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 01/04/2024 23:03

It's quite toxic.

ENOUGH SAID. AIM HIGHER

Userengage · 01/04/2024 23:04

You do realise that being single is better than being with this cheating, boozy druggie?

So glad it’s your own house.

Singleandproud · 01/04/2024 23:13

You know this is a toxic relationship
You know the environment is not right, that it wouldn't be a good enough environment for an under 18 to be living in, because you keep mentioning how your adult daughter isn't around it all the time. But what makes this environment okay for you to be living in?
Why do you think it's acceptable that he can go out drinking, doing substances and presumably driving under the influence? If it's not good enough for your daughter why is it good enough for you?

Presumably something happened in your life for you to think this normal and acceptable, it's not. Tomorrow take the day off work, call Women's Aid, as it's your house get the locks changed, pack up his stuff and leave it at a friend or family members and text him that following the weekends behaviour you have had enough, his stuff is at X address and ask him not to contact you again you might want to notify the Police if he is likely to kick off.

Then don't date for a good while and build your self esteem up.

Ladyluckinred · 01/04/2024 23:15

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:49

She isn't a child, she is over 18 but makes it no better :-(

I get this, but you’ve been with him since your girl was 13, so she likely has seen what goes on. The impact will still be there for her.

RM2013 · 01/04/2024 23:17

He sounds vile I would be binning him off

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 01/04/2024 23:18

Why you do think you deserve no better than this?

I'm sorry but you are just accommodation to him.

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:20

She's 25 but I understand what your saying.
It's not ok and I know that.
I've made myself look foolish on here and he has never acted like this around my family and friends, quite the opposite they all think he is fantastic!
Makes me feel sick

OP posts:
KittenKins · 01/04/2024 23:20

We learn what is or isn't acceptable in a relationship from our parents, especially daughters & mothers.

You have lord of women telling you this acceptable,for you, or your daughter.

Do it for her if you are still on the fence.

I speak as a women who was once with a drug taking, mentally ill, & abusively man.

It gets worse, not better.

Call women's aid, get advice on your rights, & take action while you are mad &/or hurting.

Good luck.

TheCatterall · 01/04/2024 23:21

@OneWildLemonSnake id message him telling him not to bother coming back and to contact you via text to make arrangements to collect his stuff. If he can find somewhere to get coked up etc and sleep with other women then he can also find a sofa to sleep on just as easily.

mrsdineen2 · 01/04/2024 23:22

RampantIvy · 01/04/2024 22:38

Is this a late April Fool?

Go on, talk us though how exactly you think this would play out as an "April fool".

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:22

He has a key unfortunately and will just let himself in :-(

OP posts:
Ladyluckinred · 01/04/2024 23:22

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:20

She's 25 but I understand what your saying.
It's not ok and I know that.
I've made myself look foolish on here and he has never acted like this around my family and friends, quite the opposite they all think he is fantastic!
Makes me feel sick

Ahh sorry, I read 18 and not the over. You haven’t made yourself look foolish. He is the dick, and you deserve better for yourself x

AngelQuartz · 01/04/2024 23:23

How old is he, OP? Not that it matters in the scheme of things I’m just curious.

He sounds vile. Takes drugs, cheats on you and lives in your house?!

Please raise your self esteem and realise your worth. Pack his shit in bin liners, throw them on the door step. Lock the door and leave the key in the lock.

Tomorrow - get an emergency locksmith to change the locks.

Get the ball rolling now. He doesn’t care about you or respect you and your daughter.

vipersnest1 · 01/04/2024 23:24

What @AngelQuartz said. He's not a keeper.

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:26

He is 46 acts like he is 20 still!
I have a door that you can't leave the key in unfortunately otherwise I would!
He is definitely going tomorrow, I will have no car to get to work but that's the hold he has over me.... so be it!!
Better to be rid of him, he brings nothing to my life, just grief all the time :-(

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 01/04/2024 23:26

Ugh, this sort of shit reminds me of my XH. I never forget how sick I used to feel each time he went AWOL. Luckily I had my own car (and he had his own car), and it was just my name on the tenancy agreement....but I would never know if he'd be back (or in a fit state) to watch the kids/do school run etc (I was the breadwinner). Biggest regret I have? Not ending things sooner. It took me years to build up the courage to and I became a shell of my former self (I'm back on track now though!).

Seriously, end this now. I was terrified (XH had nasty streak when he was drunk/high) but a handful of years down the line and my life is much better. Even once he left, things were a lot more peaceful....and the difference it made to the kids was phenomenal (I was trying to shield them from stuff). Good luck x

CandyLeBonBon · 01/04/2024 23:26

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:22

He has a key unfortunately and will just let himself in :-(

Is he on the mortgage/lease? If not pack up his stuff, and turf him out.

StormingNorman · 01/04/2024 23:46

You don’t look foolish. He does.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/04/2024 00:23

@OneWildLemonSnake sorry but I think it is unreasonable to stay with someone who takes drugs anyway!!!!!

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