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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still out 14 hours later on a BH

400 replies

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:25

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 16:14

AncoraAmarena · 02/04/2024 16:02

Fuck my life, I swear people are trolling you @OneWildLemonSnake

Either that or they are outstandingly rude by rushing to give their oh-so-valuable opinion before reading your posts.

Ignore the idiots and good for you for taking swift action today.

Thank you
Means a lot x

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 02/04/2024 16:15

Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!

Why do you give a shit if he’s safe? He’s a loser who doesn’t care about you in the slightest.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:16

BingoMarieHeeler · 02/04/2024 16:15

Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!

Why do you give a shit if he’s safe? He’s a loser who doesn’t care about you in the slightest.

Why don't you read all of the OP's updates?

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 16:16

Startingoverinmy30s · 02/04/2024 16:05

@OneWildLemonSnake well done on telling him to leave!! It’s easy for other people to ask why you have put up with this or accuse you of setting the bar low….people like your ex mostly don’t start out behaving like this and over time grind down your confidence and drive away friends and family. It takes courage to say enough and end things even when it’s a horrible and toxic relationship. This is the start of the rest of your life without this horrible man. I hope he goes quietly, please have someone with you if you can for support or be ready to call the police and make sure to get your key back/change the locks.
Good luck with buying a car as well!!

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Lemonhead88 · 02/04/2024 16:20

I’m quite new to mumsnet and this thread has been enlightening to say the least. It’s quite bizarre and worrying how many people take the time to log in/create an account and type a message with such vitriolic and strong opinions without bothering to read the OPs posts properly or ensure they have even a basic grasp of the situation being presented. I suppose it’s a nice little demonstration of why wider public discourse is so extreme these days and an explanation of how we have come to be living in a factual wilderness. Honestly people! If you’re going to share an opinion at least try and educate yourself on the basics of what you’re talking about!

Sending strength and compassion to the OP, I hope your situation improves and you have support around you. Definitely agree with others that it sounds like you need to work a bit on your self worth - being alone is far superior to being in toxic relationships.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:27

I agree @Lemonhead88.
If it is a long thread I just use the See All function to read the OP's updates.

I think MNHQ need to address this because I see more and more threads where people don't bother to read the updates.

Nanaof1 · 02/04/2024 16:34

Horticultured · 02/04/2024 07:20

I actually have no sympathy for you, you are complicit in allowing your child to be exposed to a person like that who is not only a drug user but is driving under the influence.

In my opinion this is a matter for social services, the cheating is irrelevant in this scenario, you are complicit in this. It is disturbing that you care the most about having no message from him, not this actual scumbag being near your poor daughter.

Edited

If only someone had read all of the OP's posts BEFORE they verbally attacked someone.......

FFS! {facepalm}

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 02/04/2024 16:37

People never want to read all ops posts, they just want to get in there and call the op a shit parent because it makes them feel better about themselves

If they actually gave a tiny bit of a shit they'd offer advice not be so quick to put the boot in and so slow to realise ops dd is an adult

Well done op, you'll feel so much happy without that awful dick head in your life

JohnSt1 · 02/04/2024 17:05

Yes your 25-year-old daughter with her own house should be taken from you!

I think that about sums up a lot of the responses.

LlynTegid · 02/04/2024 17:05

Glad to read he has gone. Never take him back, stand firm.

AllHopeandRainbows · 02/04/2024 17:11

I didn’t need to read past this to tell you what to do:

“Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!”

I hope you bin him for good OP and find someone who deserves your time. Stand strong x

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 02/04/2024 17:14

The fuck is wrong with some posters today? 😂

PenguinLord · 02/04/2024 17:16

Fernticket · 02/04/2024 15:31

If I were your DDs father and found out that her mother's DP was drinking and doing drugs, I would be applying for full custody of her.

Bloody hell, people really struggle with the most basic reading comprehension jusdging by your post!

PenguinLord · 02/04/2024 17:17

JohnSt1 · 02/04/2024 17:05

Yes your 25-year-old daughter with her own house should be taken from you!

I think that about sums up a lot of the responses.

Yes, and although she had bought her own house before OP met the man, she should now move back like some other 24 year olds, and have her dad apply for custody.
Oh, wait...

Lysianthus · 02/04/2024 17:19

AllHopeandRainbows · 02/04/2024 17:11

I didn’t need to read past this to tell you what to do:

“Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!”

I hope you bin him for good OP and find someone who deserves your time. Stand strong x

Edited

Sending thoughts and prayers.

Oh, and RTFT.

Orangewinegum8481 · 02/04/2024 17:21

Change the locks and dump him. Your daughter will thank you.

Topseyt123 · 02/04/2024 17:55

Fernticket · 02/04/2024 15:31

If I were your DDs father and found out that her mother's DP was drinking and doing drugs, I would be applying for full custody of her.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Another one incapable of reading OP's posts and updates, which are very clear.

I'd love to see how you get on applying for custody of a 25 year old with her own home. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😃

Read all of the updates before commenting or look like an utter twonk.

Topseyt123 · 02/04/2024 17:58

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 02/04/2024 17:14

The fuck is wrong with some posters today? 😂

I've no idea. The thickness seems to have descended like a pea soup fog!!

stealthninjamum · 02/04/2024 18:07

This thread reminds me of the ‘Cancel the Cheque’ thread where the op had cancelled the cheque on about the first or second page and was followed by hundreds of ‘cancel the cheque’ comments.

PeaceandCakes · 02/04/2024 18:13

stealthninjamum · 02/04/2024 18:07

This thread reminds me of the ‘Cancel the Cheque’ thread where the op had cancelled the cheque on about the first or second page and was followed by hundreds of ‘cancel the cheque’ comments.

Posters are too lazy to read See All (by the OP) before adding their twopennethworth.

Rosestulips · 02/04/2024 18:28

I got so very frustrated reading some of the posts on here. If only they had read the full thread or even just the OP posts before posting.

I hope you encourage your children to get the full story before jumping straight to your conclusions and creating their own narrative. Bloody hell scary that some of you are bringing children up

AllHopeandRainbows · 02/04/2024 18:42

@Lysianthus I had read the FT hence why I said “stand strong” just because she’s told him to pack his bags doesn’t mean she won’t waver. Men like this are very manipulative and can wheedle their way back in!

AllHopeandRainbows · 02/04/2024 18:48

@Lysianthus also why my wording was “bin him for good” and not just “bin him”

but there are plenty of other posters who very clearly haven’t read the FT who you can be smug with 😊

AllHopeandRainbows · 02/04/2024 19:08

Lots of very angry people on this thread. I think a lot of the time when there is such an alarming and upsetting opener to a thread people just jump in quickly as they want to help the OP see that this is not appropriate or normal behaviour and the more voices that say leave the more likely they will believe it is the right thing to do. Sometimes people don’t check if there’s been an update as they just so badly want to make the OP see sense.

The OP in many posts like these may update to say they’ve now left the abusive/toxic relationship but this does NOT mean they will stick to this decision. So it doesn’t actually hurt for posters to repeatedly say leave. The more people who validate the OP the better as you can bet the narcissist on the other side of the relationship will be telling them they’re wrong/overreacting etc.

At the end of the day, most people commenting just want to help and support so there’s no need to be unkind to others or call people thick etc.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 02/04/2024 19:24

Has he fucked off yet?

Good luck to you OP, and well done on shedding 12 stone of useless skin in a day.

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