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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still out 14 hours later on a BH

400 replies

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:25

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 02/04/2024 07:14

Causewerethespecialtwo · 02/04/2024 06:18

Call in sick to work today. Then call a locksmith and change the locks. Don’t ever let him back through the front door again. Bag up all his stuff and give it it a mutual friend.

This ☝️

Horticultured · 02/04/2024 07:20

I actually have no sympathy for you, you are complicit in allowing your child to be exposed to a person like that who is not only a drug user but is driving under the influence.

In my opinion this is a matter for social services, the cheating is irrelevant in this scenario, you are complicit in this. It is disturbing that you care the most about having no message from him, not this actual scumbag being near your poor daughter.

WaltzingWaters · 02/04/2024 07:21

The only way you’re being unreasonable here is for still being with this loser grumpy man child.
This is a completely LTB situation. Do better for yourself and do better for your DD (even if she’s an adult) who should see that this is not the way anyone should behave and people shouldn’t put up with this type of behaviour in their relationship.

Autienotnaughtie · 02/04/2024 07:23

Definitely get rid. Show your dd that women have higher standards than this

5128gap · 02/04/2024 07:28

Of course you're being unreasonable. Why on earth would the sort of twat who goes on 14 hour drink/drug benders at 46, taking the only car with no thought for anyone else, or your respective jobs, suddenly have a break from being a twat half way through the night to message his partner to say he's safe? If you want a guy who shows you that level of consideration then you're going to have to bin this one and start over.

SunshineYay · 02/04/2024 07:42

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 23:26

He is 46 acts like he is 20 still!
I have a door that you can't leave the key in unfortunately otherwise I would!
He is definitely going tomorrow, I will have no car to get to work but that's the hold he has over me.... so be it!!
Better to be rid of him, he brings nothing to my life, just grief all the time :-(

Change the locks and dump him. It's not his house.

Crispyturtle · 02/04/2024 07:44

YABU for making your daughter live in a house with a man like this. It’s bad enough you put up with this awful behaviour, but to chose to expose your kids to it is unacceptable.

TenQLord · 02/04/2024 07:53

I voted YABU.
Why do you have a drug taking, often drunk person who hates your child living with you and your child? Why is he your partner?
YABU.

JPGR · 02/04/2024 08:03

Please get rid of this loser. Keep us updated.

Zyq · 02/04/2024 08:04

Why did you not chuck him out th4 first time he cheated?

eastereggsrock · 02/04/2024 08:04

In my opinion this is a matter for social services

Why do posters not bother to read the thread? The child is 25!

JosiePosey · 02/04/2024 08:14

I voted yabu because your OP isn't 'I'm going top change the locks and fuck this wasteman out of my life'.

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 08:14

Thanks for your concern but I don’t think social services would be interested in a 25 year old that doesn’t live at home

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 02/04/2024 08:19

Did she leave home because of him? Many 24 year olds still live at home nowadays @OneWildLemonSnake

ooooohnoooooo · 02/04/2024 08:20

Motioning @OneWildLemonSnake , echoing what everyone else has said - you deserve much better.

Pack up his stuff, pile it up by the front door and when he shows up, hand it to him, get your key and be done with him.

If you can't be there get the locks changed and tell him what time is convenient for him to pick his things up.

No messing, no excuses, no second chances.

Imagine the freedom and peace !

1983Louise · 02/04/2024 08:21

Your daughter deserves better, shame on you for bringing him into her life.........

Lifebeganat50 · 02/04/2024 08:23

Good to see you’ve decided to end things with the waster…while it’s not great that he’s been in your lives at all, it’s good for you adult daughter and her choices to see that you will no longer tolerate it.

Stay strong with it!💐

PerfectTravelTote · 02/04/2024 08:25

What is in this relationship for you?

You said yourself it's toxic.
His texting habits are the least of your problems.

PrincessOfPreschool · 02/04/2024 08:26

OP, did he turn up eventually? What about work (for him)?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 02/04/2024 08:26

OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 08:14

Thanks for your concern but I don’t think social services would be interested in a 25 year old that doesn’t live at home

Did he arrive home yet OP?

summernights24 · 02/04/2024 08:27

I voted yabu only because you stay with this prince among men and let your child grow up in a toxic environment. Kick him to the kerb and be happy with your daughter

jeaux90 · 02/04/2024 08:27

OP well done for deciding not to put up with this.

It's the height of male entitlement isn't it to behave that way and expect anything but disdain.

Reclaim your home and independence.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 02/04/2024 08:28

@OneWildLemonSnake did he turn up?

I would have packed his stuff whilst he was out!

Differentstarts · 02/04/2024 08:28

Yabvu for allowing this man around your daughter and bringing her up in such toxic environment. You have a choice, she doesn't you should be ashamed of yourself

summernights24 · 02/04/2024 08:29

Sorry just read your updates. You deserve better, kick him out for sure life is too short 💐