Still out 14 hours later on a BH

[OneWildLemonSnake]

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

I'm so glad that you're getting rid.
If you ever waver about it, remember that it does still affect adult children if their parents are in crappy relationships. They don't have to witness it to know things are not OK. I speak from experience here!
Good luck.

Read the post!! She is already 25 lol!!

Hi OP,

I hope you're ok. It's very easy for a crowd of online strangers to bark orders at you but for you this is a relationship that isn't always bad so it is not so black and white.

However what stands out for me -

You weren't sure if yabu or not. It's very clear you are not. This relationship is clearly impacting your judgment.
Your boyfriend is a cheat and you will never be able to trust him as he continues to abuse drugs and alcohol.
He left you without a car which potentially threatened your work life. He doesn't care about you.
His behaviour inadvertently will have impacted on your special day with your daughter.

Fuck him. You deserve so much better than this. You have your own house, job and daughter. A man should enhance that but you don't need him.

Get rid of him and enjoy a happy life. Fill it with friends and people who lift you up.

Good luck.

No she didn't.
She bought her own house with her partner before I met him. And shes 25 not 24

I usually don’t post to these threads but the fact your daughter is over 18 and, only stays now and again hardly lets you off the hook.
She sees what’s going on. Presumably she keeps in contact when not in the house. How do you know she isn’t very concerned about you?
What kind of role model are you?
A sibling of mine was adopted, the adopting parents lied on their application and were nothing like what they said. Sibling’s parents divorced and the mother remarried a few times.
The mother’s husbands were abusive and horrible to her, my sibling and sibling’s brother. My sibling hasn’t forgotten any of it.

AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?

Well he's definitely out of order, but not messaging you to let you know if he is coming home or not is the very least of your problems.

Why subject yourself and your daughter to this kind of shit? WTF is the matter with you?

I’m glad you’ve made that decision OP, sending you strength to stick with it. You can do this and deserve so much more in life.

@OneWildLemonSnake Well done for taking the steps to get him out of your house, hoping you can get a car soon and get yourself back on your feet.

Just focus on this and getting yourself sorted, ignore the idiots here who cba to read a thread or any one of the many MANY updates, your DD is fine, SS won't come a-knockin' and you are clearing up the mess by getting the Trash to take itself out.

Sorry you have had such a hard time. it will get better, you know you deserve better than this.

I hope he goes quietly and that you feel ok and find a decent car. Perhaps you can pick up again now with the friends you lost touch with.

He definitely out of order and to be honest if this is how he reacted to you spending a day with your daughter on her birthday then he's just toxic and acting like a big child.
His actions where a way to punish you and make you worry, he also probably knew it would ruin your day if he left the way he did.

You have made the Right decision to kick him as you don't deserve that!

Hope you find happiness OP

Do you really need to ask 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are fighting a losing battle with these idiots @OneWildLemonSnake 😁but fair play to you to keep trying!

Sorry, but I’m with the majority here. Are you so desperate to be in a relationship with this man (or any other man for that matter) that you would put up with this behaviour and subject your daughter to his toxicity ? If he’s so irresponsible as to go out drinking and taking drugs and then get behind the wheel of a car, then there’s no telling what he’ll do. Is it your home ? Is it your car ? If so, then take back the keys and kick him out. Recognise him for what he is - an abuser - and get rid.

I have put YRBU because you are still with him - please don’t put up with this - it is abusive

Glad you’ve told him to leave. Hope you’re life gets better now.

I can’t believe so many people can’t be bothered to read ops updates.

Op, stay strong, you don’t need this scum in your life.

I got to the end of your first paragraph @OneWildLemonSnake and thought "fuck that shit, he'd be out on his arse if he were mine". I'm glad you came to that conclusion too. You deserve better

I'm actually a very good role model. My daughter has bought her own house and has a very good job.
No she isn't concerned because I don't make her aware and she doesn't see any of it.
Please don't push your issues with regards to your siblings on me lol!!

Where did I say he was driving after drinking or taking drugs ..... try reading properly!

In your second post you say your DD doesn’t see much of what goes on, so she has seen some of what has gone on. And I’m sure she is not stupid @OneWildLemonSnake

What age did she leave home?

You are being unreasonable sticking with him tbh

People are wondering whether he was driving as you said he had taken the car which you needed in the morning and he needed to be at work at 4am, so assumption is that he would be bringing the car home

I do some work with women in abusive relationships like this, and "WTF" is the matter with them is that they are being abused and quite often have been for their entire lives. Have some empathy.

@OneWildLemonSnake can you categorically say he has never driven under the influence of either drink or drugs