Holiday booked don’t want to go

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ILs booked a holiday about a year ago and asked if we’d go as we live opposite ends of the country so would be a nice way to meet. Was happy to at this point so said yes. We have 2 toddlers so never particularly easy but it’s only a 2 hour drive and they sleep in their own beds so don’t have to lug loads of stuff with us. Now I’m due to have a section in 3 weeks. Holiday is 6 weeks after my section so will have only just started driving again, will probably be sleeping very little as planning to breastfeed etc, and now have to pack a double pram and a moses basket in the car with 3 car seats and everyone squished ( I haven’t even bought a moses basket and don’t really have the budget to buy right now because I otherwise wouldn’t use one anyway and I’m terrified of sids and don’t want to have faith in a random caravan place providing a safe cot).

just feel so anxious about it all now. I keep saying to dh I don’t really want to go etc etc but it never really turns into a proper conversation probably because he wants to go, or if I do bring it up he’ll say ok I’ll get the train and take dd1 (3) which isn’t a solution for me because IL is borderline blind and still drives and I’m worried they convince dh to just pop her in the car with him and something happens etc. also I get ppd and ppa every pregnancy and it’s started early this time rather than just postpartum, so that’s probably contributing but in my experience that’s not going to disappear by 6 weeks pp.

Just feel so anxious and trying to subtly say can we please not do this but it’s not getting me anywhere and I don’t want to upset people

I probably wouldn't want to go or be left in those circs either. Is rescheduling an option?

I'd be saying (sooner rather than later), circumstances have changed somewhat, since agreeing to the holiday, pregnancy and the CS date is now confirmed, due date means its unreasonable to travel due to young baby and very recent extensive abdominal surgery. Am so very sorry but we are going to have to back out of this (unless dates can be changed to more suitable time).

DH is a dick, your health and baby health is paramount here.

I wouldn’t want to go.

Push for rescheduling.

If people around you are unsupportive then you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils - travelling with a newborn and all the exhaustion you will face, or have DH and inlaws sulking and guilting you.

Im sorry to say either option is likely to aggravate your PnD so I’d really suggest just choosing the more convenient option for yourself.

if I do bring it up he’ll say ok I’ll get the train and take dd1 (3) which isn’t a solution for me because IL is borderline blind and still drives and I’m worried they convince dh to just pop her in the car with him and something happens etc

Has he ever done that before?

He may want to see his family. I don't think it's fair to decide everyone stays home on the basis that dh might put dd in a car that you deem unsafe. If he's the sort of person to put his child at risk I'm sure you wouldn't be onto your third baby with him.

What are the finances around the holiday? I'm guessing it is likely that it will have to be paid anyway. So I wouldn't worry about making any decisions now. I would just be introducing the idea that you can't plan because you don't know how things will be be. It might be fine for you all to go and relax with in laws around to help, You might feel that it would be good for your husband to take the two toddlers and you stay at home alone, or maybe none of you will go, But unless you can get money back if you cancel now I would leave deciding until baby is here and you see how things are going.

Thank you - I’m also worried about breastfeeding infront of them. With my other 2 the cluster feeding felt never ending so the whole ‘go into another room to feed’ thing just isn’t feasible is it. And I don’t really know them very well, I’ve only met them a handful of times because of the distance so don’t feel comfortable whipping a boob out around them :’)

No, and she’s very clingy with me. she doesn’t even let dh put her to bed or settle her through the night if she wakes up. I don’t think she’d be happy with this option either

You don’t have to go, it does sound like an undertaking. However, not letting your partner go with the other child on the basis of an assumption is irrational and I think they should absolutely go and enjoy a holiday with the family.

You've got 9 weeks to work on the clinginess. With another baby coming soon, she's going to have to get used to him looking after her as you'll be out of action for at least a couple of days.

To be honest, with three children, this will have to change - your husband will jave to take some of the load. She might not settle at first, but she will get used to it.

It sounds as though you're making obstacles because you don't want to go. Fair enough you don't want to, but just say so.

You are a grown up. Cancel.

Call them up and say “look I know this is coming up but I’m getting myself in a state about coming and I just need to focus on having the new baby. Have a brilliant time, I’m sure you understand.”

If your H wants to pop over for a couple of hours one day with the other two, all the better.

You’re going to need to tell him you want to cancel by the sounds of it. He isn’t or doesn’t want to get the hints.

Your IL know the timings so are probably half expecting it.

Surely to goodness the ILs would not expect you to go just after giving birth by CS? I really cannot fathom how anyone would TBH, including your DH.

I wouldn't go, everyone knows the situation and should be mindful of you, your health and your children too. Reschedule or leave it out and to hell with the consequences. Stand your ground as you are most certainly not unreasonable.

Money paid should not be the reason to go either in the circumstances.

If you feel you won't be able to manage then cancel now. It's you that's going to be the one up breastfeeding and recovering from an operation -you have an absolute right to put your foot down and say absolutely not. It doesn't have to be a never situation- rearrange for a year's time.

I agree. 6 weeks after a C section is too soon, throw 2 toddlers and a newborn into the mix and it's madness. You'll have to get over this fear of not "upsetting people" though. You don't always have to be the one who goes along with what everyone else wants when it's going to have a bad effect on you.

I agree that you probably should backout.

If you do need a bassinet, for whatever reason, have a look on Gumtree or schpock.

My other worry is that they’re both very old and dh keeps saying he thinks it’ll be the last quality time he has with them. Which I understand. TBH I don’t even care if he goes and leaves me at home with all 3 kids if he wants the quality family time but I just don’t feel like I’ll physically or mentally be in the place to go myself

It is possible to breastfeed without whipping boobs out. Have a light scarf or a muslin handy if it helps. It’s your third; you ate probably a pro by now.

I think this is the other thing that’s thrown me is I had a HV appointment where she was talking to me about sids and made a comment that most sids cases were ‘out of normal’ circumstances e.g. holidays/away from home, using travel cots etc. I just don’t have the money to throw 40 quid at a new item I’ll use for a week but the anxiety of using a secondhand mattress would eat away at me. I barely slept with my first because I’d just panic so much about sids and it drove me to needing anti anxiety meds it’s not something I can relax about 😭

true but I don’t agree with just about smothering baby in fabrics particularly in a hot caravan in summer while they’re trying to feed

Would you all be in one caravan?

Sharing a caravan with a baby crying at night would not be what I would call ‘quality time’.

Yeah all one caravan. Exactly :’) dreading it

A muslin is hardly smothering a baby in fabric. My DiL just drapes a large muslin over her shoulder and it hangs lightly over the baby. That or she has him tucked in under her big loose shirt. None of us are bothered what is on view or not but she is comfortable with what she does. If you don’t want to go you can just say, no need to upset yourself thinking up more and more scenarios.

Then pull out. Make it clear you're not going, let him take the kids, let him go visit his family but you're not going. ?

As pp said I just don’t understand why anyone would think this trip was a good idea. 6 weeks post partum is bad enough let alone in a caravan with two toddlers & the in laws. It sounds like hell on earth! OP you need to talk some sense in to your DH or just tell him/ them it’s not happening. You are definitely not being unreasonable!