Holiday booked don’t want to go

[hdhdgueidvxkdk]

ILs booked a holiday about a year ago and asked if we’d go as we live opposite ends of the country so would be a nice way to meet. Was happy to at this point so said yes. We have 2 toddlers so never particularly easy but it’s only a 2 hour drive and they sleep in their own beds so don’t have to lug loads of stuff with us. Now I’m due to have a section in 3 weeks. Holiday is 6 weeks after my section so will have only just started driving again, will probably be sleeping very little as planning to breastfeed etc, and now have to pack a double pram and a moses basket in the car with 3 car seats and everyone squished ( I haven’t even bought a moses basket and don’t really have the budget to buy right now because I otherwise wouldn’t use one anyway and I’m terrified of sids and don’t want to have faith in a random caravan place providing a safe cot).

just feel so anxious about it all now. I keep saying to dh I don’t really want to go etc etc but it never really turns into a proper conversation probably because he wants to go, or if I do bring it up he’ll say ok I’ll get the train and take dd1 (3) which isn’t a solution for me because IL is borderline blind and still drives and I’m worried they convince dh to just pop her in the car with him and something happens etc. also I get ppd and ppa every pregnancy and it’s started early this time rather than just postpartum, so that’s probably contributing but in my experience that’s not going to disappear by 6 weeks pp.

Just feel so anxious and trying to subtly say can we please not do this but it’s not getting me anywhere and I don’t want to upset people

I understand your worry.

We had a huge family party 7 weeks after ds was due - in another country!

We had all the plans in place to go and knew how to get passport etc.

Then he was a week late and born by EMCS.

But I needn't of worried. It was fine. We travelled and I was for and well enough to do so.

I met DPs family - some of whom I'd never met before and managed to BF ok.

In fact it turned out well because I'd feed him and then others would take him and I'd get rest. Also because I chose to BF in private sometimes I could then have a nap with him afterwards as was already away from everyone and so I just didn't reappear after 😂

So I agree that I would be producing various senarios for them pointing out you don't know how well you'll be after surgery.

But if DH wants to take 3yo you are going to have the conversation and trust him not to get in the car if it's not safe - although I'm not convinced someone's eyesight can be almost blind and they are still able to drive?

In a cramped caravan with your in-laws and two more small children and no privacy?

OP you need to cancel this arrangement asap.
DH should support you in this matter.
It sounds like a complete nightmare.
You or baby may feel unwell anyway. What if baby gets sick while away - do you know where a hospital is locally?
Also to rely on someone you say is nearly blind for any driving is madness too. UANBU.

DH should take both of your older children while you stay at home cluster feeding in a silent peaceful house with Netfix and a giant heap of snacks. Especially important for you and baby to have this time babymooning if you're vulnerable to PPD. I would jump at the chance for this quiet time.

Just feel so anxious and trying to subtly say can we please not do this but it’s not getting me anywhere and I don’t want to upset people

You do not need to be subtle!! You will be just 6 WEEKS POSTPARTUM and this is your DH. It should be obvious to everyone that there's no way you should go, but seeing as you need to point it out, be direct. How can anyone be upset?!? Sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to explore healthy boundaries and your sense of over-responsibility for others' feelings at the expense of your own.

No, and she’s very clingy with me. she doesn’t even let dh put her to bed or settle her through the night if she wakes up. I don’t think she’d be happy with this option either

Great opportunity for them to learn their own means of comforting. Seriously need this with a third on the way. They can go for less nights if you're going to miss them too much.

I barely slept with my first because I’d just panic so much about sids and it drove me to needing anti anxiety meds it’s not something I can relax about 😭

Have you explored safe bedsharing? As you are breastfeeding it is actually the safest way to sleep (following the safe sleep seven) and protects against SIDS. This is because you and baby are constantly stimulating eachother in your sleep, which prevents baby from going in to a deep sleep which is when SIDS happens. That's why SIDS doesn't exist in countries where everyone bedshares. And bonus is that baby and mum get tonnes more sleep. Sounds like you seriously need to ensure proper sleep for your mental health (and the knock on effect this has on your chidlren).

Gods sake, why is anyone thinking this is a good idea? Wouldn’t rational adults (and I mean your ils and dh) think “oh the baby is only 6 weeks old, op has just had a section and two toddlers to wrangle! In a caravan? Let’s reschedule.” Because it’s a fucking mad idea. And this from a woman with 3 sections under her belt.

I’m sorry, but you are putting up some ridiculous obstacles because you don’t want to go. That’s fine, but just say that to your husband. Why can’t he drive there with the two eldest and you stay home with the newborn ?

Which of the reasons feels like a ridiculous obstacle to you?

New mother healing from a section
Newborn that needs constant care
Caring for toddlers and infant in a cramped space with other people
Lack of privacy to BF from near strangers

I think there was more but do these seem ridiculous?

A woman on her third child not knowing how to go into another room or cover herself without suffocating her baby when breastfeeding? How’s that for a ridiculous obstacle..
She doesn’t want to go, and I can understand her reluctance to , but tell her husband that, he can go with the other children.

It’s not a point of not knowing how, but would you consider this trip a good time?

A woman three weeks postpartum should be able to decline a trip that sure to be a nightmare.

None of the objections the OP has are ridiculous. You couldn’t pay me to share a caravan with my ILs and that’s without throwing in a c-section, newborn baby and 2 young children.

It sounds utterly horrific.

That's certainly pretty useless.

Just feel so anxious and trying to subtly say can we please not do this but it’s not getting me anywhere and I don’t want to upset people

Stop being subtle. It was a completely mad thing to agree to in the first place (sharing a caravan with my PILs, regardless of whether or not several small children were involved sounds hell!) , but it sounds objectively like a completely unenjoyable experience. You're not in the least unreasonable not to want to go, but you are going to have to say so, and stop 'trying to subtly say' anything. Just say you aren't going. And, if he is taking the older children and going without you, say 'Your father is semi-blind and a dangerous driver. Don't let him drive the children anywhere.'

This. The only ridiculous bit is how anyone involved ever thought this was going to be in any way enjoyable, or even bearable, for anyone involved, if four adults, two toddlers and a newborn are all sharing a caravan.

IL is borderline blind and still drives and I’m worried they convince dh to just pop her in the car with him and something happens etc.

You trust your husband so little that you believe he will allow himself and your/his child to be driven by a driver who will put them in danger? You need to work on these trust and control issues, it’s no way to live as a couple. He has to be allowed to make decisions unless he has form for doing very stupid things.

Maybe your in-laws don’t even want to go? Surely nobody will get any sleep? The newborn will cry (normal). This will wake up the entire caravan including the young kids. Why anyone thought this would be a good idea is completely beyond me.

A caravan, a new baby, two very young kids, 6 weeks post section and having to drive there?

It sounds like hell on so many levels. I’d cancel. (Actually, I’d get my husband to go with the older kids but I get that you can’t do that)

Why does your husband not drive?

They are staying in a caravan, not a hotel.
The husband doesn't drive
The inlaws do but probably shouldn't because their eyesight is bad.
The one year old is still a baby and will probably keep everyone awake from the crying because it has never had a night away from its mother.

Don't be silly. What is reasonable about the above?

@hdhdgueidvxkdk just put your foot down and say you aren't going or aren't able to make a decision about going until you know you feel able to.

A non driver has no rights to demand that you drive if you aren't up to it.

Are there any plans for your husband to learn to drive (assuming he is medically fit to learn)?

I can't believe you've waited until now to decide you don't want to go. I mean, it's fair enough, I doubt I'd want to go either, but I'm pretty sure you never really intended on it once pregnant. You should have told them way earlier.
At least 'allow' your DH to go with the kids 🤷‍♀️

Have you suggested he go on his own? Admittedly I was glad to see the back of XH as he was being a real dick, but 3 under 4 on my own 2 weeks post c-section was fine. I would have happily offered him to go on his own in this situation.

Are you sharing the cost of the holiday?
If yes, I would ask if it can be postponed to next summer and you will pay the difference
If no, the same or they can go ahead without you.

It's not practical and in considering the timing, the advice of your health visitor and the prospect of sharing a caravan with a screaming newborn and two very small children you don't think it will be an enjoyable experience for anyone least of all your inlaws. You might have to bite the bullet and invite them to stay with you/nearby hotel at your cost or make a commitment to travel to them at some point in between.

Roll on Summer 2025. If they want to postpone, I'm not sure it would still be my idea of fun but hopefully past the worst of it all.

My difficulty is that I keep saying it and it gets totally brushed off 😅 like it’s gotten to the point where it feels like the only way I can actually get my point across is going to wind up in an argument which I don’t want. I’ve got 3 weeks til I have surgery, I’m already struggling as it is with being on insulin for gd, trying to get antidepressants because the ppd is getting to the point where I barely leave the house atm etc. I just don’t feel like I can deal with having a huffy dh at the same time right now. Obviously will have to at some point I guess

I don’t really think comments like this are fair. He doesn’t drive. I absolutely would not want to be getting multiple buses and trains with 2 toddlers who run off in opposite directions and a bunch of bags either.

But you also don’t think he has enough judgment to decide whether or not a driver is dangerous?

See if you can push back to September when you should be more recovered and able.to enjoy it but baby 3 will still be young enough to not add to the mobile child chaos. By next summer it will be even harder with all 3 on the go.

No actually, I felt fine about it until recently when I got my section date and started having ppd early. I can’t predict that I’d feel this depressed

Can't he go and take the kids leave you with the baby???