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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday booked don’t want to go

164 replies

hdhdgueidvxkdk · 01/04/2024 18:18

ILs booked a holiday about a year ago and asked if we’d go as we live opposite ends of the country so would be a nice way to meet. Was happy to at this point so said yes. We have 2 toddlers so never particularly easy but it’s only a 2 hour drive and they sleep in their own beds so don’t have to lug loads of stuff with us. Now I’m due to have a section in 3 weeks. Holiday is 6 weeks after my section so will have only just started driving again, will probably be sleeping very little as planning to breastfeed etc, and now have to pack a double pram and a moses basket in the car with 3 car seats and everyone squished ( I haven’t even bought a moses basket and don’t really have the budget to buy right now because I otherwise wouldn’t use one anyway and I’m terrified of sids and don’t want to have faith in a random caravan place providing a safe cot).

just feel so anxious about it all now. I keep saying to dh I don’t really want to go etc etc but it never really turns into a proper conversation probably because he wants to go, or if I do bring it up he’ll say ok I’ll get the train and take dd1 (3) which isn’t a solution for me because IL is borderline blind and still drives and I’m worried they convince dh to just pop her in the car with him and something happens etc. also I get ppd and ppa every pregnancy and it’s started early this time rather than just postpartum, so that’s probably contributing but in my experience that’s not going to disappear by 6 weeks pp.

Just feel so anxious and trying to subtly say can we please not do this but it’s not getting me anywhere and I don’t want to upset people

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/04/2024 13:27

I would absolutely not go in these circumstances. You need to be prioritising your own rest and sleep at that point.

waterrat · 02/04/2024 13:29

also it all sounds horrendous if your Dh can't cope with the two older ( I do sort of get it at their age) -

and just seen all in one caravan. absolutely NO - where will you even have that is comfortable for cluster feeding etc

Original poster
hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 13:31

waterrat · 02/04/2024 13:29

also it all sounds horrendous if your Dh can't cope with the two older ( I do sort of get it at their age) -

and just seen all in one caravan. absolutely NO - where will you even have that is comfortable for cluster feeding etc

It’s not that he doesn’t cope. He’s a fab dad but also not driving makes it difficult for him to drag 2 kids to the middle of nowhere hours away and also my own anxiety doesn’t help. I’ve never been away from these 2 apart from to my parents house 5 mins down the road (and they drive and have car seats of their own so if anything happened they could come straight back/etc)

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 13:31

waterrat · 02/04/2024 13:27

Can't he go and take the kids leave you with the baby???

Read all the OP's updates.

@hdhdgueidvxkdk as you are the driver you get the final say so. If you don't feel safe to drive you won't be covered by insurance. If necessary get your health professional on board to back you up.

Besides, the 2 hour journey will take longer because you will need to stop.

Why doesn't your husband drive?

CagneyAndLazy · 02/04/2024 13:31

It already sounds like a bit of a crap one, even without the new baby and you only 6 weeks post CS.

I just can't imagine wanting to stay in a single caravan as family of 5, including a newborn, plus elderly people.

I'd have already made my excuses and backed out.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 02/04/2024 13:32

I don’t think you should go, but I cannot fathom why you’ve left it so late? Surely you’ve known your due date for 7/8 months? And more likely they could have got a refund or rescheduled, more in advance? I think DH should go with the two other kids-it sounds like you are all too attached. They need to learn independence from you.

Original poster
hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 13:41

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 13:31

Read all the OP's updates.

@hdhdgueidvxkdk as you are the driver you get the final say so. If you don't feel safe to drive you won't be covered by insurance. If necessary get your health professional on board to back you up.

Besides, the 2 hour journey will take longer because you will need to stop.

Why doesn't your husband drive?

Show quote history

He had a crash that put him off driving. I’ve just told him I don’t want the responsibility of driving 6 weeks pp with a breastfeeding baby to stop for and he’s said he’ll drive then. How is that the answer. He’s told me before he’s scared to drive with the kids in the back so my anxiety is going to be any better with him driving with 3 kids and me in the back when he’s scared to drive?? Sat here crying while messaging him like a stupid baby cause he again said it’s probably his last holiday with them which makes me feel like I’m a massive bitch for feeling uncomfortable about this

OP posts:
siameselife · 02/04/2024 13:51

OP the more you post the more I am thinking that your anxiety might be the biggest factor here.

Your DH really does need to start driving again because life with three small dc and only one driver will be difficult. But I do agree that a trip by himself with small dc wouldn't be the perfect restart.

Also while I get traveling by yourself with toddlers on public transport isn't fun I traveled with two toddlers transatlantic with changes in Europe so I'm honestly slightly rolling my eyes at the idea your DH couldn't get a few hours away.

Rather than look for reasons for him and dc not to go I would be focusing on how they could get there and stay at home yourself with the baby.

iLovee · 02/04/2024 13:52

Omg don't do it!!! 2 toddlers, a newborn and recovering from a c-section?! And sharing a caravan! I honestly can't think of anything worse.

I've only read your replies OP but do you have family support nearby? Could your parents come over for a couple of days to give you a hand with the toddlers and your husband have "quality time" with his?

I don't blame him or you for nor wanting to do the journey by public transport! It sounds dreadful and I wouldn't be brave enough to do it with my 2!

Or, could his parents drive to you a few days of their holiday? Driving 2 hours is tiring I know but they could visit you at home/do day trips with your husband and older kiddies/see you at home?

I also suffered horrendously with ppa/ppd and had GD so totally get your mindset right now ♥️ I would put my foot down on this I think x

Delatron · 02/04/2024 14:14

Reading your updates OP. I think just try and postpone it until September at least? It still sounds hellish but I guess you signed up to it.
Could you throw money at it and get another caravan?

I understand DP has no way of getting there if you don’t drive. You driving 6 weeks post c-section is unsafe. So you need to move the trip back. Get him to deal with this now. Speak to in-laws and holiday company. No offence but his parents are not going to drop down dead in the next couple of months.

LanahLane · 02/04/2024 15:31

hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 13:31

It’s not that he doesn’t cope. He’s a fab dad but also not driving makes it difficult for him to drag 2 kids to the middle of nowhere hours away and also my own anxiety doesn’t help. I’ve never been away from these 2 apart from to my parents house 5 mins down the road (and they drive and have car seats of their own so if anything happened they could come straight back/etc)

Show quote history

Can your parents drive your DH and at least one child to their holiday?

You seem to have such a lot on your plate, useless DH who can’t seem to look after your two children alone and due a third.

I don’t think I’d be so focussed on the holiday and more focussed on making changes for the future so that you and your DH can manage family life.
(bedtimes, outings, driving).

Delatron · 02/04/2024 15:35

The parents have visibility issues and live 2 hours in other direction so them picking up the DH is not an option. I think a reschedule or cancel is the only option now.

Delatron · 02/04/2024 15:36

Not sure visibility is the right word. OP is worried about their vision. But they can’t drive for 4 hours to get DH then 2 hours to the caravan anyway.

Original poster
hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 15:40

LanahLane · 02/04/2024 15:31

Can your parents drive your DH and at least one child to their holiday?

You seem to have such a lot on your plate, useless DH who can’t seem to look after your two children alone and due a third.

I don’t think I’d be so focussed on the holiday and more focussed on making changes for the future so that you and your DH can manage family life.
(bedtimes, outings, driving).

Show quote history

My parents aren’t going - my in-laws haven’t offered this and even if they did it would be a definite no because of drivers visibility issues. I don’t even think they should be driving themselves nevermind with my kids.

I do agree about him driving but also I can’t force someone to get behind the wheel and we rarely get childcare so it’s a case of getting him practicing driving after 5 years of avoiding it with my children in the back, which just seems risky

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 02/04/2024 15:40

@hdhdgueidvxkdk this is neither practical or suitable in your situation. Husband is being selfish as fuck and needs to put your feelings first.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 15:43

@hdhdgueidvxkdk I assume your DH has a driving licence but has been scared off driving due to the accident?

In that case I think he has no right to minimise your concerns.
He doesn't sound like a safe driver, and potentially you won't be insured to drive.

I assume the imminent baby was a happy surprise. After all no-one in their right mind would book a caravan holiday with 4 adults, two babies and a toddler. It has stress and frayed tempers written all over it.

If he is so desperate to see his parents why can't he visit them on his own over a long weekend?

This holiday needs to be postponed or cancelled.

I agree with @Concannon88

Meanwhile33 · 02/04/2024 15:44

Just tell him you've thought it over and that you and the new baby are definitely not going on this holiday. He can decide what to do about himself and the 3 year old, you’re not preventing them going. It doesn’t need to be a row, you just need to stand your ground.

Meanwhile33 · 02/04/2024 15:46

He could book refresher driving lessons if he’s nervous about driving, or he could get the train. Those are decisions for him to make, as you’ve made your decision. He doesn’t get to be the boss of you.

insomniacalways · 02/04/2024 15:57

It is enough to say in the cold light of day with a 3-year-old a 1-year-old and a tiny baby in a caravan you have reflected and don't think it would be relaxing for anyone let alone you a newly post-partum mother. My babies were waking every two hours for feeds at that point. Tell your DH it is not happening. Take care with the rest of your pregnancy.

Original poster
hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 15:58

Meanwhile33 · 02/04/2024 15:46

He could book refresher driving lessons if he’s nervous about driving, or he could get the train. Those are decisions for him to make, as you’ve made your decision. He doesn’t get to be the boss of you.

Edited

He’s not trying to be the boss of me but if the option is him tackling buses and train with 2 young children that’s really not going to help my anxiety either

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:00

He’s not trying to be the boss of me but if the option is him tackling buses and train with 2 young children that’s really not going to help my anxiety either

He needs to step up and get some refresher lessons behind the wheel then. I would be anxious in your shoes as well.

CagneyAndLazy · 02/04/2024 16:00

hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 15:58

He’s not trying to be the boss of me but if the option is him tackling buses and train with 2 young children that’s really not going to help my anxiety either

Show quote history

Do you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, OP? You've mentioned "anxiety" several times in the thread.

If so, I'd be clear about the issues that may also cause if you're put in a very difficult/uncomfortable situation so soon PP.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 02/04/2024 16:13

hdhdgueidvxkdk · 02/04/2024 15:58

He’s not trying to be the boss of me but if the option is him tackling buses and train with 2 young children that’s really not going to help my anxiety either

Show quote history

At this point, whether you mean to be or not, you're being controlling. You are 100% able to say you don't want to go, and that the baby can't go.. but your husband thinks this might be his last holiday with his parents and you're putting barriers in the way preventing him taking the two oldest kids on a holiday with their dad and grandparents. If he thinks he can drive, or get public transport then it's unfair of you to say your anxiety means he isn't allowed to do it.

Runnerinthenight · 02/04/2024 16:15

I'm sorry but the entire situation is a bit of a mess!

Three small children like steps of stairs, a husband who won't drive, piles on the guilt about your ILs and can't manage the two children you already have, plus your anxiety, and a holiday that was always ridiculous because you were sharing a single caravan with your ILs!

Put your foot down right now. Let your DH go on his own. He's not a lot of use to you anyway. You need to nip that in the bud too. Get him to start taking more responsibility for your children right now, before the baby is born. He also needs to take refresher lessons and get back driving again. I'd not have tolerated that for this long! How are you going to get anywhere for the 6 weeks you can't drive??

Also you can't possibly do a long drive the first opportunity to drive after a c/s - are you mad?! Your DH is being a massive arsehole to even expect it!!

Also you can't afford £40 for a Moses basket, and you're having a 3rd child?

I think you need to have a 'deep and meaningful' with your H. I didn't use 'D' because tbh he is not coming across well here no matter how you defend him.

CarrotCake01 · 02/04/2024 16:19

So when this was booked, you just had the 2 children but by the time you go in a few weeks, you'll have 3 under 4 years old? Including a brand new baby?

I'd say that circumstances have changed and what was reasonable at the time just won't be anymore. Can you reschedule? Can he take the 2 oldest while you stay at home with baby and have a family member or friend or something come over to help out? What's a newborn going to be getting out of this?!