Why are you long term Single?

[Aquarius1234]

Answers on a postcard..

What's the main reason you are actually long term single?
And do you judge others that are also?

I've been single since 2012, I'm now 43. I had a 4 year relationship at Uni (young sweet love, I wanted to travel, he didn't), and a 4 year relationship aged 28-32 that I thought would be the one. In reality proved difficult as he didn't have a stable job (still doesn't). I did love him but it was too hard to make work.

I then shipped myself back home to the parent and saved for a deposit, changed career, got promoted. That took longer than expected. Moved out.

Then the life curveball was I got a major illness one year after buying my own home. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Once I was back on an even keel and got a new job, a month later the pandemic started.

I then entered the world of dating having hardly dated at all in my 30s and don't recognise it at all. How are people successfully doing this? I'm lucky in that time of being single my self esteem is rock solid and I can easily spot people who are clearly out to use me, I credit that to the fact I haven't been around that world of online dating, it hasn't insidiously got to me and become normalised. I've always been honest, if I am looking for fun then I am up upfront but in reality I don't like short term flings, that's not me.

I felt a lot of time pressure as it's unlikely I will have children biologically now, I don't feel it is fair on a fledgling relationship but I leave it to the universe to decide, so my perspective on dating is that I am looking for a relationship with all the time investment that comes with it and so I'm just meeting guys for a coffee. If I want to go out and do stuff like sight seeing, weekends away etc, I'm no longer waiting, I'm doing it myself, dating myself, as why wait to do things that make me happy. The right person will come along and join in with that and hopefully introduce me to things too. I am not naive as its brutal out there, many 43 year old men want to date someone much younger, many older men are divorced, have children etc. but I'm just trying to look at the inside qualities, as well as the practicalities, and the bigger picture.

I think there is a vast amount wrong with the dating landscape but at the bottom of it all it's about two people communicating (and not being idiots), so I try and stay away from too much negativity. As for what people think, the beauty of late 30s, early 40s, is you no longer give a flying shit what people think. We are all living through unchartered territory and there is no point making myself unhappy over societys standards.

Because after a long time single, I’m happier on my own - I like my own space too much, relish the peace, and I like making my own decisions about what I’m going to do and when. I don’t want someone else in my space 24/7 asking “what’s for dinner”, what are we going to do today” and just generally getting in the way. I’m 65 and men my age are (generally speaking) either grumpy gits or old men who think they know best. Either of those would have me contemplating homicide very quickly and no man is worth a jail sentence.

My dog and I have a life I love and even if it’s not perfect, there’s not enough incentive to change it.

Because its better

I'm a single mom to 2 young boys who I have 6 days a week,they are my priority & I don't have time to be trying to date,or find anyone which I'm happy with. My ex really scarred me in regards to trust,he cheated on me for months,& the stuff I've learned about it all really shocked me,I'm 3 years single & happy, & I would never judge anyone for being single or not as everyone is different & that's great

I just haven't met anyone. I would like someone to do couple type stuff with.

Widowed young and concentrating on my DC.

I did meet an idiot, that was enough to put me off for a long time. I do miss kissing etc but not the other chores that come with living with someone.

A little bit nervous about being totally alone once DC leave home though - it's edging nearer . . .

I don't have time to date, get to know someone and then subsequently see that person regularly several times a week every week. I don't ever want to live with another man. I am a single mum to 2 teenaged girls, that's enough emotional stuff to be dealing with without having to add in relationship emotions as well! I don't believe there are many decent men out there currently available of a similar age to me.

I never prioritised it when I was young. Now I'm older and haven't had much sex recently and I'm menopausal with not much libido 😂😂 although past experience has taught me that if I start doing it again I'd enjoy it. But like others Im solvent, good work life balance, friends, hobbies and a beloved dog. Like my own space and value my hard earned financial security. Spent years supporting elderly parents and no desire to look after anyone else. Would like someone who would enhance my life but most men in my age group seem to be looking for a mother or a nurse 😁😁

Because I'm asset heavy and have a dd and work Ft. With all that , no man fulfils the criteria. And I no longer believe in relationships.

I’ve been single 7 years. Have two children. I was in such a toxic emotionally/financially abusive relationship with their dad and when I got the strength to leave I spent a lot of time trying to fix myself and I’ve loved being single and he absolutely no interest in that changing. I love not having to compromise etc. I come home and do whatever I want (children depending!) and I love it.

I’m now married and have been with DH for 7 years, but before that I was single for 10 years. Main reason was I didn’t give two hoots whether or not I was in a relationship, so didn’t make any effort to meet anyone. I was perfectly happy being single.

Lots of positives, e.g. your own space, money, no constant 'reading' of situations. The more I think about not being single, the more painful it sounds!

But negatives of course, e.g. much more expensive to be single, holidays expensive, supermarket offers target families, and no political power, e.g. ignored in favour of "hard working families", i.e. not single people.

I do think the Equality Act should cover single people too given the built-in discrimination against people who aren't 'coupled' (only being half-serious).

Because DH died and I am not ready to even begin sharing my life with someone else. DH was a good man, we were equals and we had a great relationship. Watching him die was the hardest thing I have ever done and I don't want to go there again.

Unplanned pregnancy at 31 with someone who didn't want to stick around, and I chose to go ahead alone and moved back across the country to be near family.
So initially, no inclination or energy, then I prioritised building a circle of friends, getting any job then getting back into my career (absorbing, unpredictable, often antisocial hours). Childcare was too precious to waste on dating when I could be seeing friends/working. And the risks/difficulties of introducing a man into my Dd's life, and potentially blending families were really off-putting.
Obviously if I'd happened to have met someone awesome I would have given it a go, but I didn't.
20 years later, my Dd is grown up & I am fully back in the career I love which takes up a lot of time, I have hobbies I enjoy, and plenty of friends and family that I don't have time to see as often as I would like. So while I've dabbled in dating it still seems like an unattractive use of time.
I think I'd like to meet someone again, but in reality, at the moment, I enjoy my life as it is enough that I'm not really looking to change it.

Because I'm fat and nobody wants me.

Too busy parenting teens and working. Health and body issues that make me feel gross.
Not interested in anyone, ever, and vice versa.

Back then because the men I fancied didn't fancy me, and vice versa.

Now, after more than 25 years single, never married, no kids and now too old, I prefer it that way. Plus, I'm fat, plain, unfashionable and don't take crap from anyone - no-one fancies me anyway!

I see friends getting divorced from useless men, who can't/won't co-parent/share the work at home, and I don't want a man cluttering up my home and my life.

I have an occasional FWB, but the itch that used to need scratching seems to have disappeared with peri.

Tbh , being single has given me the opportunity to work on myself,do what I feel like to without having to discuss things with my partner.I don't want to live any man as I like my own space and I feel free.I don't want to be with a bloke who i am not mentally or physically attractive to .I been out with blokes that i am not attractive to,but have a great personality or they are attractive and have a crap personality.Never again has to be both.

I'm allowed to be myself, finally.
Life is peaceful and drama free.
I'm still surrounded by love, just not that of a partner.
I'm thriving and want to keep it that way.

When I was younger, because of my parents raising me to have no independent sense of self. Now, I could never fancy a man who want to commit to me. Eugh.

I became a widow at 47 either two young children. After a couple years I would have been open to a relationship but it's never happened. Coming up to 15 years now. I'm pretty content though, only occasionally wish I had someone special

Same here, not conventionally attractive

I like being single

It’s easier being single.

Agree with all of this.

Also, it's not just men 65+ who are like that. I did online dating in my early 40s. All I encountered was:

Angry men, bitter about their 'crazy exes'

Overly keen, borderline controlling men. One bloke told me to 'Nuke my dating profile' after one date. "Go on, Rainbow. Delete it. Zap it. You've met me, now"

Flaky men.

Married men. Loads of married men.

Catfish.

Ones who wanted me to be their Life Coach.

Ones who wanted me to Save Them.

Ones who wanted to Educate Me. For example, one man who said he would educate me about music, without even asking what my music tastes were in the first place.

Ones that told me 'I had a lot to learn' when discussing anything from politics to gardening. When it was crystal clear they had no expertise or knowledge of whatever the subject was themselves.

Ones that were sexual deviants.

Lots of very selfish men.

Men who made no effort whatsoever, and would just send message after message with only seconds in between. Inevitably, they would turn abusive; Hi... Hi... Hi there... Hey... are you not speaking?... I can see you online..... Fuck You... Stuck up bitch.

Really offensive men who would comment on my profession in a salacious manner; "Do you do happy endings?" (I was a Sports Massage Therapist)

Men who had no respect for women.

Men who only wanted women who 'looked after themselves' AKA nobody above a size 12.

Men who's chat up lines amounted to "Ditch the sprog, tonight honey. I'm taking you out"

Men who wanted to monopolise my time and be on the phone constantly. One pestered me continually while I was on holiday with my Mum and Daughter. A month later, he went away with the boys on a wine tasting tour and told me in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't be texting or chatting as I should understand that he was On Holiday and it was Important That He Relaxed. (No, I don't think he was married, I think he was just a self centred cunt who had no awareness. Funnily enough, he was a Psychiatrist)

Men who saw me as a meal ticket.

Men who lied about everything. One guy said he was 6ft, had his own home, car and good job. He was actually 5ft 4" sleeping on his uncles sofa, and couldn't drive. I messaged him after learning this on our first date and said I wouldn't be taking it further. He told me I was obviously seeing someone else.

Deluded men. One told me he was a top wardrobe person on film sets. Name dropped constantly and was always using Americanisms ('Oops, sorry, I spend so much time with American film stars, I forgot we dont usually call them band aids in the UK') I decided he was a bit of a fantasist, I politely said he wasn't for me (after two dates) I got an angry rant from him about how I had done a full on character assassination of him. Oh, and that he had 'cleared his diary for six months in order to spend time with me, including cancelling working on Pirates of the Caribbean' He was a fucking nutter.

loads of blokes 65+ wanting to date women 30 - 45 (and usually looked like a potato)

loads of blokes around 20 years olwhoho just wanted to get off with MILFS.

All in all, I saw a lot of disrespect, double standards, full on weirdness and misogyny.

It gave me a bit of a laugh at times, mind.

I have a lovely, happy, relaxed life alone. Its bloody blissful.