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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

193 replies

anxioussister · 31/03/2024 20:48

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 31/03/2024 20:50

Sounds fine to me. I would expect children that age to be a bit fidgety. I also think the other adults should have interacted with them.

43ontherocksporfavor · 31/03/2024 20:51

YANBu. . The only thing I’d say is, why did you both need to leave the table? Could you not have taken turns?

Bigstuffypillow · 31/03/2024 20:52

I'm with you, sounds like your children did very well. I would have been bored sitting there for 2 hours to be honest! Very rude that nobody interacted with the children either.

bubblesforbreakfast · 31/03/2024 20:54

If your children need to leave half way through they should do something that doesn't require ongoing supervision - film, colouring, stickers etc in next room, not playing outside. I can see why you in laws were put out.

Motherofpearlxoxo · 31/03/2024 20:54

As you already know YANBU. They sound utterly gross and not deserving of being in the company of you or your lovely children.

drspouse · 31/03/2024 20:55

Your children sound lovely! Did they expect them to discuss Gaza or the upcoming general election?

EndlessVortex · 31/03/2024 20:55

My immediate instinct is that it’s totally fine for your kids to behave as they did, but if I threw a dinner party and both parents left midway through to play in the garden with the kids I’d be a bit put out. As a PP said, could one of you not have gone and the other stayed?

On the basis that your relative was criticising the kids though, no, YANBU

nimski · 31/03/2024 20:57

I'd reply to SIL you are shocked at how rude they were to your children.

K0OLA1D · 31/03/2024 20:58

bubblesforbreakfast · 31/03/2024 20:54

If your children need to leave half way through they should do something that doesn't require ongoing supervision - film, colouring, stickers etc in next room, not playing outside. I can see why you in laws were put out.

On a nice day? Get a grip.

I'd not go again OP. Who has time for that.

theonlygirl · 31/03/2024 20:58

This sounds fine. family are being mad.
Seems as though your hosts went to a lot of trouble to create a restaurant type experience that was more suited to grown ups. I think your kids did fine. they sat at the table for a decent length of time, then played nicely by themselves before asking to go out. Honestly at that age you can ask for more. They weren't disruptive or whiny. Your relative was rude sending that text. If you want kids to stay at a table, make it fun.

Beginningless · 31/03/2024 20:58

Mental. Family homes are places that I feel my children and I can be ourselves. Within reason! I’d consider how it went to be a win with kids that age. I take it they don’t have kids? How do you plan to reply?

RawBloomers · 31/03/2024 20:59

YANBU, though agree that you could perhaps have tag teamed with DH.

I would have been annoyed at them having absolutely no consideration for the kids, though, and at the lack of engagement with the kids by everyone else at the table so would probably have wanted to go out in the sunshine (but that doesn’t make it good manners!).

Arrestedmanevolence · 31/03/2024 21:00

My DC would have gone full on badger and started throwing mashed potato so I think yours sound delightful in comparison.

theonlygirl · 31/03/2024 21:01

theonlygirl · 31/03/2024 20:58

This sounds fine. family are being mad.
Seems as though your hosts went to a lot of trouble to create a restaurant type experience that was more suited to grown ups. I think your kids did fine. they sat at the table for a decent length of time, then played nicely by themselves before asking to go out. Honestly at that age you can ask for more. They weren't disruptive or whiny. Your relative was rude sending that text. If you want kids to stay at a table, make it fun.

"Can't ask for more" that should say.

Exasperatednow · 31/03/2024 21:02

bubblesforbreakfast · 31/03/2024 20:54

If your children need to leave half way through they should do something that doesn't require ongoing supervision - film, colouring, stickers etc in next room, not playing outside. I can see why you in laws were put out.

The youngest was 3.
Did you see that?

VioletPickles · 31/03/2024 21:03

Did they really need supervision from both of you in the garden? I’d have let them leave the table and play, checking on them now and again. Or just one adult at a time.

Sunnydays0101 · 31/03/2024 21:03

With us, one of us would have gone outside to play with our children and then swapped over. It also sounds like, when you say your DH was focussed on them at the table, that there may have been a bit of performative parenting going on.

dottymac · 31/03/2024 21:03

My siblings are equally ignorant of my kids
. It's one of the many reasons I've gone low contact. It hurts - especially coming from people who should love the bones of those kids and want to include and engage with them. You'd be warranted to tell them to blow it out their @r$e and block them.

yaboreme · 31/03/2024 21:05

I think your children did well. I always find it really odd when people start huffing when small children don't sit through 10 courses! I'd find it odd if they did, they are children, of course they want to play. They don't have the attention span of a fully grown adult.

I would have done the same, if anyone commented I wouldn't care less. I'm sure the children will get there, but they are so young and even at 18 I'm sure they'd find it boring.

Maybe best to avoid next time.

Flowers
Original poster
anxioussister · 31/03/2024 21:06

nimski · 31/03/2024 20:57

I'd reply to SIL you are shocked at how rude they were to your children.

Blessedly my husband is on team - and on the phone to her currently and being very firm about our future engagements being child friendly if they’re expected to be there.

OP posts:
Tired6789 · 31/03/2024 21:07

Your kids sound so well behaved. Completely unrealistic to expect the kids to sit there for 2 hours. I wouldn't go there again for lunch- an afternoon tea sounds more suitable for their age given the formality!

Original poster
anxioussister · 31/03/2024 21:08

Sunnydays0101 · 31/03/2024 21:03

With us, one of us would have gone outside to play with our children and then swapped over. It also sounds like, when you say your DH was focussed on them at the table, that there may have been a bit of performative parenting going on.

Possibly you’re right. But also anxious about them breaking things in such a child un-friendly house and garden.

but I do take that on board - probably good data that we need to make better choices about the events we take them too

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 31/03/2024 21:09

I personally would have brought

mitogoshi · 31/03/2024 21:11

Brought activities that could be done at the table rather than them getting down, and you leaving the table is a bit rude, but I was a pretty strict parent when it came to table manners

Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 31/03/2024 21:11

Unreasonable for you both to go. I would have taken magazines/book and given them to the kids as soon as they sat down and put them to one side as food arrived. I would have expected them to attempt their mains, one parent to take them off to run off some steam, tag teaming as necessary and the children to return for pud and then to go off and play.