45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

[anxioussister]

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

Are they in reception or year 1? I said it depending on school year and described a yr 1 classroom.

My dd would have stayed at the table for the duration of the meal at that age, but the crucial difference is that others in the family would have made signiicant efforts to engage with her. I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect children to just sit there if they can't participate in the conversation.

No 6 year old is sat at a desk for two hours at school , they will be up and down from carpet to tables, they will have active activity. A paragraph with take 5 to 10 mins to write. No way is a child sat at a desk listening for two hours!

Mine are 3 and 6, the six year old ( who I am lucky is easy and well behaved) would possibly last up to an hour with interaction from others and probably colouring available. The 3 year old … no chance 🤣

I think you sound like a great parent, only thing we may have done differently is tag teaming the garden, but that would be to both have a couple of minutes of child free time each 😂!

Your DC, especially youngest at 3 are still quite young for the formal kind of dinner, and were good to have lasted 45 minutes.

It was rude of both of you to go outside with your DC, given the circumstances, you should really have gone individually and taken turns, so I imagine your family were cross about that too.

Mine is in primary 2, which is the same as year 1.

Next time take 2 ipads loaded with peppa pig and paw patrol (or the most annoying program the 6 year old enjoys) and bo headphones and when the kids get bored give them their shows to watch. Loudly at the table.

If anyone complains, point out that you were whinged at last time for the kids getting down so please make a choice!!

Or alternatively tell them to sod off and don't go to their stupid dinners!

Exactly @Glenthebattleostrich ! Between this thread and the one about the cafe, just shows parent’s can’t win!

Mine wouldn’t have lasted that long at that age. Doesn’t sound like a fun relaxing family meal. Awful. I wouldn’t go again.

This.

I think I would have been bored and wanted to go outside 😅 Are you going to reply OP??

In England Yr 1 is very much sitting at desks.

Read the bloody OP will you

I can promise you.
No Year 1 class is spending hours and hours doing continuous tasks at a desk with no free flow or movement breaks.

Times have moved on.

So one person should stand outside away from the party?? might aswell stay at home!!

Even those of you who think three year olds should be expected to sit at a formal meal for two hours, SURELY you think it is disgustingly rude or her SIL to follow up the meal with a criticism text?

In what possible version of manners/kindness could that ever be considered acceptable?

Sure, we all have slightly different expectations of our kids (and indeed different kids - mine would have been able to do this but not because of my quality parenting, just because I got lucky).

But if you invite a family over and their kids behave not quite in the way you were expecting, or parents do things a bit differently to you or whatever....

Do you genuinely text them after the meal to tell them so? And still consider yourself well mannered?

Honestly OP it's batshit behaviour on her part, and I hope your fella told her so.

Won't be popular, but in the absence of a drip feed about ditional needs, your sister is completely right to think as she does.

It's not a message I would ever have sent, and I don't know what she hopes to gain by actually sending it, but your pandering sounds ridiculous.

I think they both did well, but 10 minutes into a starter is no time and one of you could have engaged with the DC at the table before they were allowed to get down. I’ve got a DNephew who’s almost 6 and he always wants to get down early and we sometimes have chats that he’s not allowed down yet.

It is but not for that long at a time. I’m a TA for Y1. We do 20 minutes on the carpet, 30 minutes at a desk, 10 minutes back on the carpet, play time etc etc. We do not expect them to sit at a desk for most of the day. Afternoon is rarely desk work at all - all that gets done in the morning because they have no attention span left for it after lunch.

And rarely do they all just actually sit, even if that’s the activity. Loads of them are shifting around. Going to the toilet, getting a tissue, asking for a spelling, finding a rubber - there’s myriad little reasons they find to move around.
No 6 year old is sitting still silently for two hours. Even at school.

I do think this a bit. Me and DB as a number of other children did, would never have been allowed to do this at our grandparents houses and had to wait, bored and in silence until everyone else finished.

At no point have I suggested the kids should be sitting at the table for 2 hours. I was replying to a poster who said it takes 2 adults to supervise 2 pre schoolers and I was pointing out that a 6 year old is far from a pre schooler and it should only take one adult at a time to supervise a 3 and 6 yr old in the garden.

Engaging is key. But I agree we’ve spent hours where he sees something near the dinner table and wants to play with it there and then.

And you conclude that was a good thing?

As did we and I just don't see the point in making children do that! Why is it polite? What value does it bring to the table to have children sat there politely but silent and bored? Why did previous generations insist on doing this?

Exactly! Is this not the children's holiday as well!
I would've absolutly been away from that table and my eldest is 10! 1 easter a year would I hell be spending it with a shed tonne of cutlery and poor hosting.

Your relatives are fookin loons if they think children can sit at a dining table for that length of time.
Your children behaved very well in the circumstances and the host should have complimented you on how well you had raised them not having a go
Such a formal meal seems utterly pretentious I wouldn't go there again