45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

[anxioussister]

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

I wish mine were as well behaved as yours! Well done to them lasting the first 45 mins. That's well beyond expectations for a 3 year old surely.

Guessing your SIL has no kids so doesn't know how most children behave?

🙄

Oh Jesus Christ that is so so dry. That does not sound like a fun Easter even for a grown up. Sounds like your kids behaved beautifully. Hosts are up themselves.
I wouldn’t be going back next year and would plan a lovely chilled fun Easter either at home or take a trip somewhere.

I live in France and we often have long sunday lunches with friends or family. With kids its always a bit hectic and relaxed, they’re up and down from the table in between eating .People at the table chat and laugh and that includes with the kids. Isnt that the point of a family lunch ? YANBU.

The way my parents managed it was that I was allowed to ask and get down in between courses to amuse myself quietly nearby while they stayed at the table and socialized. If it was a particularly long meal then during one break between courses someone would take me outside to stretch my legs a bit. Could that work if you reminded them that young children need a break from sitting?

I also can’t believe that she texted you. It does sound like your husband was rude towards them at the table but for her to complain to you about it is lunacy.

I’d be SO SO tempted to reply , “actually I think the kids did so well and I’m really proud of them. This is probably one of those things that if you were a parent you would understand. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be unwelcoming to them. I get that you don’t have much experience, so don’t worry, we’re quite forgiving about it. Have a lovely rest of your bank holiday”

In our family the children get up between courses and go play, and are excused from the cheese course unless they want to try some. All the adults take turns to engage the kids in whatever activity Lego, colouring etc so the parents can enjoy their meal. It’s completely unreasonable to expect small children to engage in an adult orientated dinner.

@anxioussister

but Sunday/Easter Lunch should be one of those events.

I assume your SIL isn't used to small children?!?!

your children were well behaved for their age. I probably would have also taken some cartoon or asked to put the TV on for them & bought a little more time BUT if the best offering was the M35 closures, then I'd have gone outside too!!

good on your DH for dealing with his sister!

4 course setting for 3&6 year olds 😂😂😂😂😂

Unless garden had a pond or pool not sure why both you and dh needed to go outside with them

If enclosed they would have been fine

If not safe then one of you to go out

No need for both to leave table and other adults chatting

But fab your kids can play /read /sticker by self. Mini blondes 7 can as well

They are def a bit bonkers

But in this situation I don’t think both of us would have left the table. If it was the in-laws then I would have gone into the garden and left my dh to it! And probably vv if it was my family.

they all need to be a bit more cognisant of the kids next time.

It sounds absolutely awful and some dc genuinely can't cope with sitting for long periods.

Children come to things at different ages and can't instantly do everything from being born.

Being a good host is also being receptive to the dc needs and she's clearly failed. It's awful to think people were watching and judging you whilst simultaneously not giving any thought to talking let alone entertaining the dc.

I think your sil is the one that needs to learn lessons not you

This is batshit.

OP. YANBU.

Id never return if I was called “rude” for keeping an eye on my very young children.

Thank fuck that times are progressing and this outdated archaic attitude is on the way out.

Not to mention they’d already done the quiet playing for half an hour anyway!

I would be equal parts ragey and sad to receive such a judgy and over stepping message.

I’d consider the real lesson not saying no to plans that dont fully incorporate children. It is Hard work keeping children engaged at the dinner table at those ages. It takes most of your energies so you wouldn’t have been able to talk to the other adults anyways.

I think people forget that a meal is much more functional when you are under about ten years old.

I've had so many conversations with my parents trying to explain why a 3 hour meal with lovely wine starting at 3pm isn't going to work for my DC.

Your children sound very well behaved, family are being unreasonable in their expectations, I mean 4 courses for a 3 year old? No chance! That's bonkers. Sorry to hear no family engaged with then, my ILs are like that, and as a result my son always acts up more then he usually would if he gets attention, it's a nightmare!

Oh my god! You sound a lovely family and I'd have done exactly as you have done! Why on earth people are saying you should take turns to sit at a table knowing your children wanted you to be engaged I have no idea. Hold firm. You have been totally appropriate and they sound like they know nothing about young children.

I can’t believe some people are saying you should have left a 3 year old to it in a strange garden. I would keep a frequent eye on my 4 year old in our own, completely enclosed and child friendly garden.

Lol what performative parenting?
It's normal for parents ti engage with children during meal.
And if child is three it is obviously very much needed.

My dsil is strict as is her dd.
Her dgc are forced to eat all of their mains before any dessert.
My dgs one year hardly ate the mains and dh and I knew it was something he didn't really like.
When dh gave dgs dessert my dsil complained that he shouldn't be getting any - so dh gave dgs seconds of the dessert.😅

Your dc sound lovely op.

You’d expect a 3 year old to sit at a table for 2 hours?

Possibly because 2hours is a long time for anyone to be sat at a table.

It's quite normal at formal dinners I have been to for there to be a bit of an exodus, (adult) people moving around, standing up, talking to others, getting fresh air, between the main and dessert.

I used to get frustrated when my DM would do "starters" when the kids were little.
Yes we all like a starter if we go out, but we don't really need it and the kids really weren't bothered.

Now they are much older and quite used to eating in a group/out....but I only did two courses and they still wandered off between main and dessert (and also helped clear the mains and serve dessert)