45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

[anxioussister]

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

assuming sil is your partners sister then leave it for him to reply to!

she sounds bat shit though. Just bonkers.

So at 6 age our DC would have been fine with the cutlery and non kiddie food (this house has never served nuggets or fingers) but needed a book/device/top trumps to keep him amused between courses. My nephews 2 kids 5 and 6 could hack the situation but eat kiddie food and pull a face at normal veg and need peas and sweetcorn.

Basically they are all different and it’s a good experience to try the formality that will seem nothing in a couple of years for the 6 yr old. Your family need to be tolerant

No. Sorry my kids would never leave a family meal until everyone was finished . Just rude . But I am from a different generation where kids were bored ... and parents don't leap into action at the very sight of said boredom ..

Boredom is not a bad thing.. it fosters imagination ...

In your place I would have provided basic stuff to do at the table so you didn't have to leave ..and they would never expected to leave having been taught this from the earliest age ..

I do however understand that things these days are child centred .. it's just that child centred can often mean child centric.. which often fosters an expectation of amusement at all times .

Their expectations of normal behaviour, especially for the 3 year old, is way off- though from some of the replies on here, they’re not alone! You were with family; it shouldn’t be this hard! I would not be attending a meal like this again- and make it crystal clear you are proud of how the kids behaved, and apologising for nothing!

That made me chuckle. I wonder how many people will get the reference? 😂

Why did your SIL text you and not your husband?

You should jump over to the thread about the lady having her cafe breakfast interrupted

Yes the host is utterly ridiculous

Feel sorry for you that you even have to deal with this

I think it was rude of you both to leave. Surely it only needs one parent to look after the kids at a time?

Agree with @Sunnydays0101 to an extent but do think if the other adults, any of them at all, had interacted with the children even briefly, then your husband wouldn’t have had to focus on them quite so much etc.

From a child development standpoint, you are certainly not being unreasonable. I would never expect a child to even sit through 45 mins, which is AGES for a child.

Nothing wrong with the children's behaviour there. You can't expect a child free person's house and garden to be child friendly though! Can't be that bad unless you're over anxious.

Long formal meals are not for small children.
Back in the past children wouldn't have attended a formal meal until they were around 12 or even older.
They ate nursery food with Nanny and would have received etiquette and behaviour classes before being allowed to join.

I couldn’t have coped with a 2 hour 4 course formal meal making polite conversation with 11 adults, let alone expecting a 3 and 6 year old to do that! I’d have been offering to go and amuse the kids.

Did you know it was going to be that type of event? If so, perhaps you or your husband could have managed everyone’s expectations in advance more, but I certainly wouldn’t have had an issue with you doing what you did.

I think we’d have tag teamed and taken turns with the DC, my mum or one of my siblings would also have jumped at the chance to play with the DC while DH and I ate. But they invited your family of 4 and then failed to make any allowances for the two younger members and then showed no manners by complaining at your very reasonable reaction. Rude.

What usually happens at events with these relatives?

We had SIL over today. Her 6 year old sat still for about 5 minutes and ate nothing. 4 year old wouldn't even come to the table. Lay on the sofa whining.

Sounds like your kids were really well behaved

Not unreasonable for the kids to need activities. Unreasonable for both parents to leave the table.

Your kids are 6 & 3. They sound impeccably behaved to me, especially your 6 yr old politely asking to be excused. Neither made a fuss, they entertained themselves whilst the grown ups enjoyed their meals and adult conversation. YANBU.

Back in the 80s I was expected to sit through all three courses of a family dinner with very little conversation aimed my way, from the age of 4 or 5. No getting down from the table until the adults had finished.
It was boring as shit, did me no good at all, and I can’t work out what good it did the adults either. But it sounds like your relatives come from the same world, and have no idea how things have moved on. In their day it was rude.
However, if someone behaved in a way that you found a bit grating when they were at your house, you didn’t follow the visit up with a message designed to chastise them and make them feel uncomfortable. So they are being really unpleasant by sending you a message like that, and clearly they don’t value you enough to take your feelings into account. Surely thinking about how others feel is the first rule of etiquette, whichever era you were born in? And however offended you are by someone’s behaviour, you don’t send a text telling them off and just let it hang.
If this were me I would not see this branch of the family again if I could help it. They don’t respect you, and they don’t have good manners - they’re being superior.

Take on board what a Pp said about better managing people’s expectations in advance

and do recognise, now DH and I are reflecting with a glass of wine, that we probably over parented a bit to justify leaving the awkward / boring family chat about M25 closures…

but still grateful for all your kind affirmation that the children weren’t being a problem.

we have learned some lessons for sure!

I agree with others that maybe you should have taken turns to supervise, but other than that they sound like perfectly normal children who needed to move.

Maybe if/when your in laws have children themselves one day they will understand.

You did great. Well done and just ignore others who say different.

As others have said, maybe only one of you needed to be in garden with dc. My in-laws have high expectations of table manners; they would have been fine with small children getting down for a break between main and pudding. There would be an expectation that 6 year old would thank cool and ask permission to get down.

I think you did a decent job of making sure your kids didn’t disturb anyone else’s lunch. We tag team DD, one of us chats the other keeps an eye on her. I probably would have tried to encourage DD to sit for longer but the reality is kids will just get more stroppy sometimes and the best thing to do is excuse them from the table.

I wouldn’t have thought you were rude at all, I would have thought you were parenting your kids.

I think they did very well. Agree that one of you should probably have stayed at the table.

But expecting a 3 year old to sit at a formal table for a couple of hours is bonkers. As someone up thread said, in years gone by, families that regularly had formal meals didn't include the children. By the time they were included, they were old enough to be bored quietly.

I think that if people had been willing to jump in like that, which other family members always are, we would have tag teamed more. I guess we just felt a bit entrenched and / us against them… not super ideal - definitely lesson learned about setting expectations better for everyone

Jesus Christ your children sound like a dream. My 2 year old would have lasted 5 minutes. Are these hosts important to you? If not I wouldn't be socialising with them again