Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

193 replies

anxioussister · 31/03/2024 20:48

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 31/03/2024 22:34

Well, your relatives sound awful 🤮 I think I'd reply that as they're so intolerant of normal children's behaviour, you won't be visiting them again. Your children were polite and well behaved and they're so little!

Reluctantgardener1 · 31/03/2024 22:35

SignoraVolpe · 31/03/2024 22:23

My dsil is strict as is her dd.
Her dgc are forced to eat all of their mains before any dessert.
My dgs one year hardly ate the mains and dh and I knew it was something he didn't really like.
When dh gave dgs dessert my dsil complained that he shouldn't be getting any - so dh gave dgs seconds of the dessert.😅

Your dc sound lovely op.

Haha 🤣

pizzaHeart · 31/03/2024 22:38

thebestinterest · 31/03/2024 21:18

From a child development standpoint, you are certainly not being unreasonable. I would never expect a child to even sit through 45 mins, which is AGES for a child.

This^
Im amazed that some people don’t understand that it’s NOT normal for a child of that age to sit through a long formal meal.
I would take in turns with DH but we only had one DC to supervise. I can easily imagine how you need 2 parents for 2 preschoolers in a non child friendly house. I remember visiting my sister and literally being glued to DD in the living room with masses of easily reached expensive vases/ ornaments/ glass frames etc. it was a nightmare.

Giveupnow · 31/03/2024 22:40

Please can someone show me these magic fucking sticker books that actually keep a 3yo entertained? I see it all the time on here….. “can’t they just quietly do stickers at the table”

lasts about 12 seconds!!!
yes I’ve tried all of them.

Cuwins · 31/03/2024 22:45

Giveupnow · 31/03/2024 22:40

Please can someone show me these magic fucking sticker books that actually keep a 3yo entertained? I see it all the time on here….. “can’t they just quietly do stickers at the table”

lasts about 12 seconds!!!
yes I’ve tried all of them.

Depends on the child I think. My 2 year old will focus on stickers, colouring etc for 10mins. Her similar age friend you would be lucky to get 2mins!

DragonFly98 · 31/03/2024 22:52

Your kids were fine you and dh were rude though wandering off from the table and coming back to be fed again at dessert time.

TerriPie · 31/03/2024 22:55

Sounds like the kids lasted longer than I would. I'm the first to volunteer to 'babysit' other folks kids to get away from boring adults, playing in the garden would be much more fun!

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 31/03/2024 23:02

I'd be replying
"Funny me and DH were just discussing your poor hosting skills. Don't worry we don't intend to suffer enother event at yours"

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/03/2024 23:04

Could they not have managed the end of the main course? It feels like they missed most of the meal. I have a 5 year old and he sat for dinner today for a good 90 minutes or so, properly laid table. He ate chatted, listened to the general conversation gave us some 'facts' he'd learned at school about Jesus. Older neighbour was talking about her youth in relation to some music that was playing and he was listening. He was quite happy eating and talking. He does have a very robust appetite though and we do things family style so he was grazing on seconds for quite a while, and it is never a challenge to get him to stay at a table for pudding. He also uses cutlery properly, so if multiple courses would have multiple sets.
I think you both leaving the table was a bit odd.

Longsight2019 · 31/03/2024 23:09

I hope the chat between your DH and your SIL has also made her think about the format, being inclusive and also being fair to you all. To expect a formal dinner to play out because they have an ideal standard to uphold is ludicrous.

I’d be tempted to send them this thread.

wintersgold · 31/03/2024 23:30

Your children sound lovely and well-behaved, but what possible reason is there you both had to leave the table? That comes across as pretty rude of you, although of course it doesn't excuse the host's bad temper either. I wouldn't visit them again if I were you, family especially should be more understanding

Frangipanyoul8r · 31/03/2024 23:33

It’s a family dinner at someone’s house - not dinner at the Ritz! Even as a grown adult I’d hate to sit there for 2 hours indoors while it’s a lovely day outside. How stuffy and unnecessary.

a222 · 31/03/2024 23:37

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/03/2024 23:04

Could they not have managed the end of the main course? It feels like they missed most of the meal. I have a 5 year old and he sat for dinner today for a good 90 minutes or so, properly laid table. He ate chatted, listened to the general conversation gave us some 'facts' he'd learned at school about Jesus. Older neighbour was talking about her youth in relation to some music that was playing and he was listening. He was quite happy eating and talking. He does have a very robust appetite though and we do things family style so he was grazing on seconds for quite a while, and it is never a challenge to get him to stay at a table for pudding. He also uses cutlery properly, so if multiple courses would have multiple sets.
I think you both leaving the table was a bit odd.

oh and then a pig flew past the window

NauseousNancy · 31/03/2024 23:39

So ridiculous to expect such formality from young children.

we had a big family gathering today, kids (cousins) sat on the floor round the coffee table on blankets having a ‘picnic’ laughing and joking and having fun. More food on the floor than in their mouths as they were laughing so much and not much cutlery going on. Easter egg hunt in the garden in their bare feet, chocolate all over their faces most of the day!

I had a similar upbringing with all my cousins, we ran around and had fun and the adults accommodated us. My family have always prioritised ‘kids being kids’. So many lovely memories that I do the same now!

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/03/2024 23:46

@a222 not at all! He's far from a perfect child, but this is exactly what happened today.

2under4 · 31/03/2024 23:46

Sounds like they have issues around children. I've had childless friends and family members, who are still kind and accommodating to ours at events - yours were guests after all today. Would they have thought it was okay to make any of their other guests so bored or uncomfortable?

Next time, I'd be politely declining.

Thisisnotmyid · 31/03/2024 23:53

You did nothing wrong OP and if your SIL ever has kids of her own she’ll come to that sharp realisation herself that you cannot expect a 6 and 3 year old to sit perfectly for 2 hours. Even adults get bored at some point and move around.

Angelsrose · 31/03/2024 23:58

Wow your kids did fantastically well to stay at the table for so long. Well done to them. Kids are not designed to sit through long meals. Your hosts sound extremely unreasonable.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 31/03/2024 23:59

newwidowtobe · 31/03/2024 21:15

No. Sorry my kids would never leave a family meal until everyone was finished . Just rude . But I am from a different generation where kids were bored ... and parents don't leap into action at the very sight of said boredom ..

Boredom is not a bad thing.. it fosters imagination ...

In your place I would have provided basic stuff to do at the table so you didn't have to leave ..and they would never expected to leave having been taught this from the earliest age ..

I do however understand that things these days are child centred .. it's just that child centred can often mean child centric.. which often fosters an expectation of amusement at all times .

This.

My 4yos sat through a 4 course meal at a relatives today.

Having said that, they wouldn't have at 3. So we only had family round to ours for bigger meals, so no one would be put out by DTwins leaving the table early/leaving the food they'd taken time to prepare. Maybe this should be an option going forward?

Absolutely no reason your 6yo had to leave the table. Why were you not engaging with them so they felt included/not bored if it was quite a long time? I might put little things on the table though, to keep their attention between courses if I knew a child was particularly challenged at sitting still.

To let the children go off and play part way through the main was rude. To then let them go outside and both of you follow them out there was rude. This wouldn't be appreciated in our household, it's poor manners all round.

However, it's equally bad form to then message you about your lack of table manners. It didn't warrant that.

justaanothermum · 01/04/2024 00:00

anxioussister · 31/03/2024 20:48

Had an extended family Easter lunch today - 4 courses over 2 hours at my SIL’s house. My children 6 + 3 are the only children there - it’s not a very child friendly house - or set up. 15 people at a very formal table with lots of cutlery - host has (utterly madly in my oppinion) laid out formal cuttlery for the children to have four courses as well…

they were polite through the starter - no one was making any effort to engage them in conversation and were visibly frustrated that my husband was focussed on them. the children made it about 10 mins into the main course after which 6yo quietly asked if they could be excused to to their sticker book + colouring in the next room. 3yo follows soon after - has a backpack with trains + duplo in. All is quiet for another 30 mins.

the children have been so good - they have also been playing independently for ages by little people standards. They would like to go into the garden for a while to play. DH and I have finished our main courses + excuse ourselves to play in the sunshine. There are 11 other adults at the table who all know each other.

we came in for pudding. Helped tidy up, chatted for a bit and then left as other people were leaving.

I’ve just had a long message from the hosts telling us they were shocked by how rude we were - and that we need to teach our children to participate better in family events.

I know I’m not BU really but please soothe my outraged soul…

YABU - your children should have sat longer at the table

YANBU - this sounds fine - family are being mad.

Your children did amazing! Mine wouldn't have been that "well-behaved", food and going out for us means having fun. And if it's not fun for my children I wouldn't go there again. Sorry that's just my priorities.

bellamountain · 01/04/2024 00:02

Your children sounded like they did great OP. My children were feral today as were their cousins, there was no containing them.

Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 01/04/2024 08:54

pizzaHeart · 31/03/2024 22:38

This^
Im amazed that some people don’t understand that it’s NOT normal for a child of that age to sit through a long formal meal.
I would take in turns with DH but we only had one DC to supervise. I can easily imagine how you need 2 parents for 2 preschoolers in a non child friendly house. I remember visiting my sister and literally being glued to DD in the living room with masses of easily reached expensive vases/ ornaments/ glass frames etc. it was a nightmare.

Show quote history

One little one is 6. They will be sitting at a desk all day at school and writing paragraphs independently. They will be in their 2 or 3 year at school and definitely not a preschooler.

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 01/04/2024 09:13

Sounds perfectly normal! My 6yo DD managed 1.5 hours out for a for a family meal on Friday very nicely (with some colouring and games of uno) but at a family members house she would definitely ask to get down and go and play for a bit. And a 3yo sitting nicely for any length of time is a fucking miracle imo never mind 45mins!

Dragonfly909 · 01/04/2024 09:16

Sounds to me like your children are angels, my 3 year old would have been wailing and climbing the walls after 45 mins without intense management and frequent breaks!

NauseousNancy · 01/04/2024 09:23

Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 01/04/2024 08:54

One little one is 6. They will be sitting at a desk all day at school and writing paragraphs independently. They will be in their 2 or 3 year at school and definitely not a preschooler.

Show quote history

I can’t speak for every school, but my 6 year old never sits at a desk for the whole day at school. They play, do group activities, build with blocks …. Very small part of the day is sitting at a desk as they follow ‘play is the way’. It’s not natural for a 6 year old to be sat at a desk for a full school day - they just don’t have the concentration.