DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

Not to throw it across the room and kill it and be unrepentant afterwards. That's psychopathic and I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that.

She needs to stop minimising and thinking just buying a new animal is a solution.
This type of behaviour is genuinely worrying.
I would bet my house there are lots of other incidents.

Did the boy actually throw the hamster across the room in some sort of rage, or was it a natural, reflex reaction to being bitten? I can see how someone might shake their hand and fling something off if they were bitten.

Your poor son and poor hamster.

however I do think it sounds like a reflex action. Was the child warned the hamster might nip?

A Y6 child would know that throwing a small animal would likely kill it and the fact that he wasn’t upset he killed the hamster is even more alarming. He was also old enough to understand it was just a nip from a hamster and his life wasn’t in danger, there was no need to throw it.
People who hurt animals with no compassion afterwards are usually the psychos. I would let your son cut this friend off. It’s his friend, so it’s his choice. It was also his hamster so he gets to decide the consequences and what his boundaries are. If the children were younger I would think differently, but they are both old enough to understand this situation.

Did he throw it or shake it off? That’s very different!
Also the hamster died later so no one but his mum knows how he reacted.
he was probably shocked.

For a dead hamster??
You don't get out much do you?

No I wouldn’t want anything to do with the family either, they wouldn’t be welcome in our house after that and any friendship between our DCs would be over. And if it was my 11 year old that had flung a hamster across the room we would be having very, very serious words.

It was NOT your fault at all and you need to stop saying that. An 11 year old should be very much old enough to know better than to throw a small animal. The lack of remorse at the death of said animal is also alarming.

Why are you trying to downplay this to your DS by saying it was just an accident? It wasn't. It was poor impulse control at best and deliberate destruction at worst. I lean towards the latter because you say that this boy has a history of violence towards his siblings.

Your DS has very sensibly decided that he doesn't want to be friends with this boy anymore. You should be respecting that and not trying to propel them back together. When DS is ready take him out to choose another hamster if that's what he wishes to do, and tell him that he no longer has to have this other boy in his life, that you will support him in that. Tell him that you were wrong to minimise what happened as just an accident and apologise for that.

I actually wonder whether the child did anything to make the hamster bite him in the first place, which maybe none of you saw. Squeeze it so that it bit? Then threw it when it defended itself in the only way it could? I'm guessing somewhat obviously and could be wrong, but just pointing out that it might not have been an accident. You don't know.

If most people were bitten by a hamster, I think their urge would be to drop it, not fling it across the room. This wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t remotely your fault.

Drop it down - yes.

Throw it at a wall - no

However I have refused since a small child to pick up animals I know will happily bite. So I don't pick up and handle hamsters, rats, gerbils etc.

Other animals like rabbits, ferrets, birds, lizards and snakes I ask the owners if their pet is used to being handled and happy to be handled by strangers before I seek permission to touch them.

Hurting animals is a sign of sociopathy and the mother doesn't seem to understand the hamster was alive either - she thinks it can be replaced like a toy. I would respect DS wishes and cut them out for good, and say why. I would support his good attitude to his pet and not belittle his grief.

I have seen kids of that age get bitten by hamsters - they drop it, flinch, and are then scared of the hamster.
But they are nice kids.

Looking at this in its broadest terms, your DS can choose to end a friendship with anyone, for any reason he likes. I'd take his lead on this. He has boundaries and has decided this boy isn't the right friend for him.

friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

From the OP. The first post.

I agree. And he didn't show any empathy, that's concerning

A friend of my dads stepped on my cats tail then booted her really hard when she scratched him. My dad remained friends with him and it massively effected my relationship with him tbh. I explained repeatedly how I felt and everyone laughed at the silly emotional girl. Then 20 years later the arsehile defrauded my dad out of a lot of money and it was widely recognised and still is that I was "always a very good judge of character". Nice people of any age do not hurt animals.

Yep. My 10 yr old autistic child (goes to an SEN school) might overreact like this in the moment but would then be beside himself and very sorry. I think the initial response to being bitten is very atypical for an 11 yr old but the lack of sorrow is most concerning. I think this friendship has run its course.
Also another person saying this isn’t your fault and you couldn’t have predicted it @HamsterAccident

Hamsters are bitey little buggers and the bites are really painful but I don't know anyone who has thrown and killed one in shock.

I'm more concerned that you are trying to encourage your son to maintain a friendship with a child who finds it hard to control himself. Your son is upset about his friends behaviour and can decide he no longer wants to be friends because of that behaviour.

Please don't try to force the friendship because you are, unreasonably, feeling guilty. Respect yours sons decision and encourage him to make other friends.

I'd take her up on that if DS wants another hamster, but I still wouldn't let her child back into the house or try to persuade DS to continue the friendship when he doesn't want to.

@CremeEggThief at no point have I been even remotely blasé about her dying?!

However I am struggling with how to support DS and also not completely condemning a child when I do feel responsible as the adult.

I think the friendship is over though and the lack of friends is something I need to deal with separately.

Really hope your DS is ok, very traumatising for him.

His friendship with the other lad is one to be discouraged.

@Topseyt123 any animal can bite if it's not happy.

Animals will sense people they aren't comfortable with. They will hide from them or try to get away from them including biting them to be dropped.

I can't work out if 'flung' means 'picked up and hurled' or 'shook his hand hard and the hamster was flung'. I think there's a big difference.

We also don't know how he reacted to the news that the hamster had died.

A lot of people here ready to write off an 11 year old as a sociopath tbh.

OP, I am sorry this happened, it must have been an awful shock to your son, and to you.

Do you think it was an accident or did he literally lob it across the room in retaliation?