DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

I am a really really nice person and I love animals etc etc etc, but when a friends hamster bit me when I was in primary school I did exactly this. It was bloody awful and I’ve not touched a hamster since!
it also flew and slid down the fridge but survived (as far as I know). I’ve never mentioned it to anyone and honestly I’m not sure if I’m sorry.
sorry to your son but never let anyone handle an animal they are unfamiliar with.

Then why are you here!!! FFS, not everything in life can be sanitised. I made the title very clear. I’ve not given a full description of how she died as it’s not necessary, but how else can I get advice? If I just said she was dropped that wouldn’t be fair as people wouldn’t know the full picture.

Please stop tagging me. I'm hiding the thread

I think I would be quite relieved my DC didn't want to stay friends with someone like that, don't need that influence!

Stop being so bloody upset for yourself and this other little fucking sociopath and listen to what your son - YOUR SON - is telling you.

If this is the sort of behaviour he exhibits in front of you, what happens when there are no adults around? I'd be willing to bet he's the sort of kid who deliberately hurts or winds up other kids and frames it as 'a joke'.

I think your son is completely in the right by not wanting to spend any more time with somebody who cares so little about other living creatures.

The mother offering to replace the hamster.

"Oh my child has killed your pet. Here, have a tenner."

Was she not bothered?

vast majority of 11 year olds would be totally trustworthy holding a hamster. Dropping it out of shock would be an understandable reaction for a young child, but this was cruel and totally unpredictable. It’s not your fault.

I don't think that's a normal reaction from an 11 year old either. They know they are risk of getting bitten. And it couldn't have been that painful. I would never let him in the house again.

Just came on to say the same as @paintingvenice

To not have remorse or empathy at 11 after killing an animal is a huge red flag.

Do you think the 11yo is/ was actually your DS's friend? I'd say it's quite unusual for an 11yo to see a 6yo as a peer. Is it because 11yo can control/ boss about 6yo in a way they wouldn't be able to with a child the same age?

It doesn't sound like this boy is a great friend for your DS.

I think at the age of 11 about to go to secondary kids do need to know that some people are nasty and deliberately hurt people or commit crimes etc. If you always think your friends have good intentions how is that helpful?

Your boy has boundaries in place that he wants to enforce. Good on him. He sees that this boys behaviour is unreasonable and wants to cut him
out of his life. I hope that continues for him . Secondary school is tough and some kids get involved in drugs/crime etc. Good boundaries will help. His gut is telling him the behaviour is wrong. I would use this to read books and discuss boundaries and decisions and choices.

He sounds great. I would let him process the trauma. You are replaying the event (that’s trauma) so it’s likely he is too. I would talk to the school and make sure they respect his decision.

My daughter is 7 and would be devastated if she knew she'd hurt an animal let alone killed one.
I'm with your son in cutting this boy out of his life.

They're both 11yo

They are both in Year 6.

Both kids are yr6 age 11 from the way I read it

Pay no heed OP, it’s perfectly acceptable to post a dilemma on aibu on the mumsnet site.

My son is 11. He would be devastated if he’d killed a hamster like this accidentally.

Yes but not about an 11 year old throwing a hamster!

They're both in Year 6. Neither of them are aged 6.

Your dilemma is fine to post. If reading about it is triggering people then witnessing it may mean you/your son is traumatised.

The question is why throwing boy and his mother aren’t?

Apologies- I misread

This is my sticking point. That he did react out of shock and although he wasn’t sympathetic, I don’t believe he meant to hurt her, but more that he does find it harder to control himself. So I didn’t know if I was being really unforgiving in saying to DS that he could stop seeing him.

I don’t mean to drip feed, but I’ve already cancelled the activity they were doing together next week (well for DS anyway) and told his DM that we’re not up for it. But was second guessing myself that I’m being too hard on a child and really it was my fault as the adult.

Yeah it definitely wasn’t your fault. And I think if the child has shown no remorse it really doesn’t matter what their intentions were or whether it was an accident or not. Leave your son to deal with it as he sees fit.

👍