DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

Was the mum horrified when her son did that? And equally horrified at the lack of remorse? Because if not, I can't see any reason to think things will ever get better with this kid. Let your son express his feelings and support him if he wants to cut the friendship. You don't have to vilify the other boy but don't try and minimise it either.
It's possible that the boy has some additional needs, that doesn't mean your son has to be his friend. The boy needs to learn that your son not being his friend is a completely understandable consequence of his actions.

I wouldn't.

Otherwise the mum and child will read it as it is ok to kill an animal and buy the owner a "replacement".

Hard as it is to see your child upset, allowing him to make his own decisions regarding friendships is an essential lesson. Whether or not he decides to stay friends with the boy, he will learn to have the confidence to trust his own judgement.

I won’t be, for exactly that reason. Animals aren’t replaceable like that for us.

Step away, in that case.
I think maybe Mumsnet is not for you...

Did you see it. There's a huge difference between being bit, going arghhh and waving hand and hamster going flying to being bit and deliberately chucking the hamster

Have either the son or the mother actually apologised? I would turn down the offer of a replacement in any case as that implies a living creatured (that was murdered by YOUR son) can be simply replaced by chucking a tenner at the situation.

If it were a case of the child instinctively flinging their arm around to avoid the pain, with the hamster still attached to the finger, and the hamster flew off and the child was upset by the consequences then I would encourage forgiveness. This sounds different though.

I am also really uncomfortable with the repetitive connection between this one incident at 11 and then becoming a sociopath. That is a massive stretch. Did no one else do things as children they look back and regret? How bizarre.

I know that. I did acknowledge that I could be wrong but it is still worth remembering that it might or might not have been an accident.

I've had dogs and cats regularly, and guinea pigs too. Of course I know they can bite.

If he threw it never let him in the house again.
If it was latched on and he shook his hand inadvertently sending it flying that’s different.

Get a grip!

OP, as others have said, a bit strange for a child of that age to react like that.

More reasonable if it was dropped out of shock. That seems more like the hamster was thrown in anger.

Sounds like he didn’t throw the hamster, but shook it vigorously off his finger when he was bitten. That’s not a cruel, premeditated act, that’s a reflex response to pain.

I’d encourage your DS to cut him some slack if you can. His friend was surprised, in pain and then presumably defensive and embarrassed.

The main lesson is never to let children (people in general, really) handle animals unless you believe them to be sensible and safe enough to do so.

And not to let anyone handle a pet that bites. (Bitter experience - DS’s hamster bit him and it became my hamster by default as a result as DS wouldn’t go near her. I wasn’t best pleased)

@User1979289 I've stepped on cats and dogs tails by accident.

Oddly none have scratched or bit me for that action, and I fully expected it as I deserved it.

I am fully aware due to an incident a couple of weeks ago that animals are a good judge of character.

So both your cat and you were right.

Yes, certainly I've done things I regret. But I can honestly say, hand on heart, I have never killed an animal. I think most of us can say the same. I've trod on my dogs foot, when he's got under my feet, and felt bad enough about that!

I did see it. He was sitting down, hamster nipped him, he stood up and flung his arm wide and she flew off and hit the floor.

I would totally support my child in staying well away from that kid. Hes year six, my six year old would never ever treat an animal like that I think it's extremely disturbing behaviour especially at that age

Fair enough, you wouldn't, OP wouldn't. I would consider it, though would rather buy the new hamster myself if DS preferred that. Different approaches.

What?? It’s in the title. You don’t have to open the thread. And how would you know what the TW is referring to unless it says about animal death or whatever, which in itself would surely trigger you…….

I don't actually think it matters if it was by accident, on purpose, malicious or whatever. Regardless of all that, your son has decided to put a boundary in place and no longer be friends with this child. That's his prerogative and as his mum you should be supporting that, not trying to force a friendship he's not comfortable with because you feel guilty.

It's not your fault, incidentally, but don't let your own guilt get in the way of supporting your son in asserting his boundaries. It's an important skill for him to learn.

I find the mum's response worryingly insufficient for the gravity of the situation. That is a response for when a child has broken someone's toy and even then I would expect a 'sorry'. I would be horrified if my child had done this and would be apologising profusely. Seems a gross lack of empathy from the mother. And that is regardless of it is was a reflex fling or a retaliatory fling. Obviously a retaliatory fling would also be dealt with more strongly in private.

@IWasAimingForTheSky sounds like the internet is not for you. Off you trot.

I have owned numerous hamsters in my life and whilst I have been bitten I have never had one that latched on to my finger and I had to shake them off.

When I was a little bit older than your son I dropped a friend’s hamster by accident - it moved too fast and got out of my hands and fell to the kitchen floor. It was ok but I was instantly horrified at what I’d done. That’s an accident, not what this child did - if he’d dropped her in shock that would be one thing, but to have thrown her…allow your boy his feelings on this one as I imagine that’s what he is, rightly, angry about. As a mum of a similarly sensitive boy I understand you thinking to underplay this and try to salvage the friendship but he doesn’t need friends who behave like this, nor does he need to learn to tolerate this kind of behaviour. Poor hamster, and poor you, bury her somewhere in the garden and allow him to process this and grieve for her. And then when he’s ready maybe think about a new one…that you buy yourselves.

Ahh ok, so he didn’t throw it? It was latched on? In that case I don’t think he’s a psychopath. But if your son wants to end the friendship I’d go with it