Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

YANBU

You don't say what benefits or joy he has brought to you, either now or in the past.

And your description sounds like a situation where there could be an overwhelming amount of resentment and regret for you to work through once he has passed on.

Get out now (or rather in a planned way and soon) and remember we are all ultimately responsible for our own selves in this lifetime - and that this equally applies to him.

It's remiss of me not to say what he has given me and I think he'd be a lot better looking after me if it was the other way round. We've had lots of happy and fun times together, he has been very caring and supportive in many ways. He makes me feel very loved, he is very thoughtful...except when he is not I suppose, but that applies to us all. He is not completely selfless and I wouldn't expect that.

Wow - it really stands out when you say "he is not completely selfless and I wouldn't expect that" of him, yet you are imposing that on yourself!

Oh, my goodness, @cakedup , this is no good!

he is not your responsibility. He’s an adult who can make his own decisions. The first thing you need to do is stop the open phone line evenings.

Don’t go to his house if it’s grotty. Leave when you want, not him.

And if I were you I’d end this altogether. It just sounds awful. Yes, he has an illness, but he’s not behaving well

Whatever redeeming qualities he has (caring, etc) would be outweighed for me by his selfish and controlling nature. The hoarding and filth would also be a clear red line for me and would physically repel me. I mean, how can he smell pleasant or be clean if his house is filthy?

The whole situation sounds very unpleasant and actually quite abusive to me. He won't let you leave on a Sunday night until midnight when you have an hour's drive to get home and need to do things before you go to bed? I honestly think you need to have a long, hard think about whether this relationship is healthy for you, because it sounds from your OP like it really isn't. Is this really the best you can do? Would being on your own really be worse than being at his beck and call. The whole thing with the open phone line is really worrying.

He has told me this is no way for him to live

It’s actually no way for you to live either and your responsibility is to yourself first and your child / children. Not all of the issues he’s facing are out of his control and he’s imposing those on you too. Just in case there’s a part of you that needs permission to not be his partner anymore - then here it is - and you also do not need it. If you wish you could just be a friend or cut contact if it’s too much. It’s possible his reliance on you is not helping him either. Don’t sacrifice your life to a downward spiral not of your own making.

This sounds very difficult.

Bearing in mind that you can't change him, how would you like your life to look? Do you want to be completely free of him? Do you want to be distantly supportive, available in an emergency and a frequent short visitor for company? Or something closer to what you have now but with some tweeks?

The open phoneline can surely go, I'm surprised your work allow it, we're only allowed to wfh if we cannot be overheard. It's also intruding on yours privacy. Call him every few hours and get him an Alexa so he can shout out to call you or emergency services.

Presumably you don't need to stay over at his, because he manages on other nights. Just visit or take him out if that's possible.

It is very difficult. It's heartless to abandon someone once they've stopped being 'fun' but you need to live a life too. Decide what you want to guve and establish your boundaries. Advocate for him to get more support if its needed. Do not allow SS to be assigning you any sort of carer role.

He lost my sympathy at -critical of my friends ,work ,my mother .
He's dominant and wants things his way .
Illness or not this is not an equal loving relationship , he sounds like hard work and if he was as thoughtful as you think he wouldn't be this way.

OP, you're not married and you don't live together. Your life doesn't have to be like this.

I couldn't have a relationship with a cold, controlling hoarder.

That's all I can think of to say. He's got you where he wants you, really. He sounds very selfish. Hoarders always are. Their viewpoint of the world is skewed. Nothing is ever more important than the hoard.

Carers UK or a local branch for carers in your area, if you have one, might have support, advice from people in similar situations and counselling. Otherwise, perhaps organisations that support families of people with your DP's condition offer similar support?

You're going through so much, I'd focus on some boundaries to give you some time for your own feelings and some time for relaxation and some therapy for yourself.

This is absolute madness. This is not a relationship, it's a toxic prison you've locked yourself in, for reasons that are absolutely beyond me.

End it now. This can't go on. Your poor son being exposed to this batshittery must stop.

This.

It is a crazy, unsustainable and miserable existence. If you're unhappy, please end it. He doesn't have to be your responsibility, and it sounds like there is an element of control. (Phone line open from 8am to midnight is an insane situation! - you know this, right?)

I would still want to be with him, with some tweaks. I would like my life to be a little separate from his, not so entwined.

My work probably don't allow it although in all honesty I don't take a lot of phone calls/meetings. He'll take an interest in my work and then proceed to slag it off. Everyone I work with are idiots, lazy (they are not), the system is terrible etc. I don't mind the occasional moan up about work but he takes it too far, goes on and on when it's nothing to do with him.

It feels heartless to put myself first at all with all that he is suffering. But actually it hasn't stopped being fun. We still go to the theatre, cinema etc he will push himself to do this (even when I insist we should stay at home when he is obviously not well enough). We are regularly in hysterics and share same sense of humour.

Every weekend, despite his health he will drink and smoke. That's the other thing I hate ....I don't smoke and he chain smokes in the main room I am in when there.

Yes it is insane isn't it. But its a way of making sure he is OK and alive and not on his own when he is feeling like shit.

Part of his condition is drowsiness and if he falls asleep for too long his symptoms get worse. So it's down to me to keep him awake. This goes on for most days.

You must have absolutely no sense of self-worth to be putting up with this shit. No one who values themselves would be in a "relationship" like this. This is very, very sad.

Totally agree with @Aquamarine1029 , you are getting nothing from this relationship except second hand smoke . It would be very different if this was a loving , long term live in relationship but it’s not . Make a list of the pros and cons from your POV and then act accordingly . You are not responsible for this man .

Why is he cutting you off from your friends and family due to his low immunity but still going to the cinema and the theatre?

It is not down to you
You owe him nothing
You are choosing to Do all this out of guilt
If he is so unwell and it is documented then he can apply for assisted living with warden on site or get a care alarm set up
As you say it's a decade so plan for now and when it gets worse.
He can sell up and move to a flat with a warden on site
But he won't move will he?
Because it s way easier to have you on call

OMG he chain smokes as well? It gets worse.
Haven't you got any self respect?

Has your partner any family? Has he got any money?

What age is your son?

Good god, just finish this relationship. Sounds utterly miserable and it's just not sustainable

You've set yourself up as his carer. He's not your responsibility. It's sad he's unwell and obviously I sincerely hope things improve for him but think of yourself and your family / circumstances and finish it

And just from to go and stay at his filthy house. Ugh. Sounds like nothing at all redeems this one

Why are you punishing yourself like this? Because this is the only reason I can imagine why you'd be doing this to yourself. You must think this disgusting man is all you deserve to be putting up with this.