Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

Stop turning yourself inside out for him. You have no obligation to him. You’re in the FOG.

This will only get worse. And he will leave you with nothing.

He drinks, smokes and lives in filth.

What is the attraction?

Were you together before the illness?

You haven't seen friends in a year?

It's time to leave.

What meant you have a DP but you don't live with him?
He sounds abusive and the sort of person you should have left a long time again, long before he got ill.

The fact that you didn't doesn't mean you need to martyr yourself out of a misplaced sense of duty now. Leave him as soon as possible.

“You don’t just abandon the people you love”

And yet OP has essentially abandoned lot of friends & family because she’s hyper focused on him & his needs. Yes, he has a diagnosis of early death but anyone can die at any moment.

I agree with pp, OP please get some self respect and self love. Stop damaging your mental and physical health for this man. Prioritise your child.

I think step down from being his carer asap. Let him get a paid arrangement. Then decide if you still want to see him. It all sounds awful from start to finish.

Yeah but the guy has a mental illness, maybe if they tried to get some proper help it would be fixed.

Where did she say he had a mental illness?

even so, even although his illness is not his fault it’s still his responsibility to treat his partner with respect. Being ill is not a free pass to being a controlling abuser.

If he can go cinema.. out with you , drinks, smokes he is well enough so you can be alone at times. Sounds controlling...im disabled but i wouldn't want nor expect OH to stop having his life for me. Being ill can make you very clingy and dependent , and i think hes jealous because you work and hes stuck in. He can get support from scope, or mind (yes his mental health suffering) ... Organisation specific in his illness..they can support with befriending , etc. if he doesn't want that support..then u need to be firm... you need space

Where does OP say he has a mental illness?

There must be a better system than the constant phone. Can't he get an alarm? There are specialist ones which can detect falls or epi care alarms for seizures.

You need to have some time for you. This is ludicrous and will ultimately mean you are unable to support him.

Similarly, can you arrange help for him to sort the house? I did it for a relative recently. They didn't want it and the process itself was a bit upsetting but they love the end result. They are similarly on limited time and didn't see the point but now it is done they find it so much better and are managing okay to keep on top of it with a bit of help.

At least sort the practical bits that are adding to this miserable situation and then re-evaluate.

Not being funny but do you know for sure he has a condition?
Have you seen the medication/does he see doctors etc?
If he is so ill he is practically housebound and could die/become “comatose” at any moment to the extent he has to have “an open phone line”, do HV not come round?

OP please wake up regardless, there is abuse going on here.

OP, as priority I think you need to understand yourself and discover what has driven an intelligent articulate and caring woman to sacrifice her friends, work, family, privacy, hygiene standards and personal comfort in every way an the altar of one man's wishes. Your partner hasn't become a chain smoking filthy controlling hoarder because he now has a serious illness. This is who he's always been. So why have you decided to settle for this?

If you want to make sure he's alive and awake get a Nanny Cam. If it works for babies...... Then you can work in peace. If he insists on an open phone line, you have to make plans to leave, that is very ominous.

The man has both a physical and a mental illness (hoarding). You are not qualified medically to deal with the first, and the second is nigh on impossible to fix. You are killing yourself for nothing.

Sorry to say it, but I'm not sure which of you or both has the issue here. I think it's you OP because you can't see what he is doing to you mentally and physically.

But if you feel you want to be his mother, carer, doctor, psychiatrist, and nurse, go ahead and get a Nanny Cam to start with, and an appointment with a counsellor for yourself asap. Sorry to be so blunt, but when you are in the middle of the storm you don't know how bad it is all around you.

He doesn't need to be on the phone to you all the time. You def don't need your phone line open.
He needs to speak to gp about managing the day time sleepiness - medication to keep him awake.
There epilepsy alarms avaliable which would notify if seizures.

You say he is too proud. You tell him he makes changes or you walk. You can't live like this for 10 years

All of this, it sounds bloody awful. He’s cost you your friends, ruined your job and doesn’t like your mum. I think your life sounds worse than his, and I certainly wouldn’t ruin my own life for someone like this for another month, never mind 10 years.

Oh my goodness. You really must put your child first and see less of your man. You’re sacrificing your own peace of mind.
Start to withdraw slightly and put some boundaries in place.
I’m sorry to sound harsh because it’s clearly not a black and white situation but you only have one life.

Google the Karpman Drama Triangle. Ask yourself why you have installed yourself as the rescuer? Spoiler - you’re becoming the victim and him the persecutor.

Support him, of course. But where do you see this going?

Op as awful as his illness is, ic he cared fofvyoy, he would want you to have relationships, a life and some respite. Put boundaries in place please for yourself and get back intouch with friends and family.

Not the same, but I was able bodied when DH and I married and ended up disabled (wheelchair user, chronic pain, limited use of hands, need a modified vehicle to drive). When it first happened I was quite active on disability forums but got really sick of just how incredibly self centered people were. I remember one lady in particular going on and on about how her husband (who was supporting the family financially working long hours in a physical job, doing all the housework and childcare, and looking after her) wasn't paying her enough attention or didn't rush to help her the second she called. When he finally left of course she was slagging him off for abandoning her because she was disabled, and it never seemed to dawn on her that the man had been running himself ragged trying to hold it all together and she'd just been consistently horrible to him all the time. That was just one story that really stuck in my head, but there was a general attitude that if you were disabled your partner should sacrifice all their own happiness and be a slave to you. I don't do disability forums anymore.

My husband does a lot to help me, but I also do my best to help myself and make sure I don't overdo it because I know that if I do that means he has to pick up the slack and that's not fair. He goes away with friends a couple of times a year and I think it's nice for him to have a break from all the having to faff with a wheelchair whenever we go anywhere. If course I can't get away from it, but I'm glad he can.

From your description, your partner just doesn't sound very nice. Slagging off your colleagues is hardly supportive. And he shouldn't be shouting at you for not being available the second he calls. He is mistreating you. If you really want to stay with him then you need to have a very stern chat about his behaviour and set some firm boundaries. But honestly, I think you should leave.

This is a difficult one but you are slowly turning into his carer and also a martyr. Slowly remove yourself from this situation. I think you're with him out of guilt and he wouldn't want that.

This. I'm not quite sure why you feel beholden to this man. His health problems sound very unfortunate, but not sure why it's your problem. You've only known him a few years

Your choice to martyr yourself at the expense of your son though

He needs carers

He ignores medical advice
He stops you from leaving his house at a reasonable time to get home safely
You have an open phone line to him all day when you are not together (does your work know about this?)
Hes a horder
You've stopped seeing friends & family since you started dating
You've no social life since you started dating

Lots of red flags here that point to an abusive relationship (at worst) or an unhealthy relationship (at best)

You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason or no reason at all.

I wish we could work out what it is that means women have such low expectations of their relationships.

This man will suck the life out of you @cakedup and you know it.

Sounds like he is using his illness to control and abuse you @cakedup

There are so many red flags in your posts, you could make bunting.

Are you sure he's actually being 100% honest about his condition/s? What is actually wrong with him?

Was any of his controlling behaviour happening before he got ill?

Isolating you from friends and family (and now he's started on your work colleagues too) is a classic sign of abuse. He'll try to isolate you from your DS in the end as well.

Good news is you don't live with him and aren't married so relatively easy to practically extricate yourself. I suspect he's mentioned assisted suicide as part of his 'campaign' of control. If you ever do decide to leave, that's how he'll try to get you back.

I've read nothing redeeming in any of your posts to be honest.

You need to make a stand and get rid of this man.