Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

I don't even go to the loo without him knowing about it

My God please get yourself free from this controlling coercive man.

You cannot even go to the loo without his permission.

The first step to freedom requires OP to recognize she is being used and abused by this man entirely for his own benefit. She has yet to have this realization.

Yes, women are most in danger when they try to pull away from their abuser. So many of your posts have been spot on Pikkumyy77.

This is the poster, who spoke about feeling like a twin, if your relationship ended op and about a personality disorder, which resonated with you.

Please listen to your friend and what is being said on this thread. Your friend must be deeply worried about you now you’ve divulged he’s manipulating and abusing you.

Please find the strength to put yourself first. To put an end to this miserable existence, which you’ve allowed to persist for too long. To start saying no and mean it. To put up boundaries with him and do what is right for you, not him. And I truly hope to finish this awful relationship for good, whatever the consequences and whatever he does.

The only person, who will ever truly be there for you is you and that is because you are the only person you’re permanently attached to if that makes sense. So it really is time to be there for yourself, time to stop acting as a machine, constantly ready to do this man’s bidding.

Hey OP, how are you feeling today?

Good God what a depressing thread.

An articulate woman, raised presumably to live a good, happy life, somehow ending up as a serf to a controlling man. Patiently explaining to strangers over and over again why you're knee deep in someone else's filth but it's ok.

I just cannot bear to read these stories over and over again and yet somehow I still do.

We women really are our own worst enemies sometimes aren't we.

I think I need to do something healthy for a bit.

it really is. I just feel despondent reading these threads. I just don’t get it. I try but I don’t understand how one can be oblivious to such obvious manipulation.

I have a friend like this. 2 of her adult dcs are NC now. She's with another dork. Although tbf she isn't the shiniest coin in the purse. But still knows it's wrong and puts men before dcs.

Hey OP, hope you’re ok today ❤️

I doubt OP will be back.

I'm sure she will.
She has a lot to think over.

This isn't a chick lit novel, real life takes time.

Anyway, she is under no obligation to update this thread. If it's all genuine, it sounds as though she has started to reach out to people in real life. Perhaps they can provide better support to her.

Either way, I hope she is able to take some of the advice here on board, it must be very overwhelming.

Possibly, but he will almost certainly have had a health crisis, and the more attention she gives him the less likely that she’ll come back in case something happens to him.

I believe the OP is gradually pulling away, and, having reached out to her former friend, is getting some RL support as she does so.

It must be very hard to take all this on board.

Telling real life friends is an important step. Hopefully they can support her.

I hope you're okay, @cakedup

@cakedup are you ok?

Yes I am OK, thank you for asking.

How are things going with your boyfriend?

I've been thinking of you a lot, wondering how you've been. Glad to hear you're OK, caked.

Do you still have the open phone line? 🫣

Ive been checking in daily for an update. Im glad you are still here OP, it must be alot to take on, but Im glad you have taken the steps to speak to your friends and get an outside perspective. When someone has totally consumed your world, its often hard to know what is right and what is wrong, especially if they are adept at sounding as if they really do know whats the best / are more intelligent/ etc. You literally cannot see the wood for the trees. When I was in the midst of my absolute brain befuddlements I ended up bringing a friend when I confronted him about irrefutable evidence, because I knew that he would gaslight me. I didnt know the term, but I knew from having lived on my own with him for about a year, and him gradually isolating me, despite me actually being FAR MORE intelligent than him, that I actually didnt know up from down because of his lies and manipulations and behaviour.

so above anything, Im glad you now have at least one person who can be your reality check. The thing I would also say is that it is easy to jump to their defence when he is being criticised - because it almost feels like a criticism of yourself., or a misplaced loyalty, or you dont want to believe. Id try to reframe this automatic responses - rather than stating what he has told you as fact, simply put the words back into his mouth - so if your friend says, for example 'he shouldnt drink and smoke' - rather than saying 'the dr says its OK' reframe it as 'He has told me that the dr says it is fine'

Its a subtle shift, but it starts to help your brain readjust to reality. A move into statements being Things He Has Said, rather than an absolute truth. It also starts to remove yourself from his framework - you are reporting factually what he is telling you, but you are no longer enmeshed with that. A few times of doing this and you will start to see the ludicrocy of much he has been telling you, which will help you to distance and reclaim your own life.

Personally Like many here, I think you should leave him. I think, deep down, you know you should too, because you have tried to break up with him in the past, and you have (well done) successfully got him out of your home. I think you are a bit scared of him - and I believe your instincts are correct if you listen to them, and thats maybe why you took him back - as his harrassment of you was frightening, and taking him back at least stopped it.

I dont doubt that he is ill, but like most people on here, I think he is heavily over egging the pudding and piling on the guilt, to keep you in line and under his control. Things dont add up to it being as bad as he has had you believe, but ultimately you are not a health care professional, so there is nothing you can do even if he did take a turn for the worse, beyond call an ambulance. In regards the health flare ups that happen whenever you pull rank - it may well be he is experiencing things - but those things are unlikley to be an actual 'health scare' - more likely a panic /anxiety/anger with the physical symptoms that accommpany that, because he can see you are pulling away from his control / setting a boundary. The family dramas that happen though - I think they are a complete fabrication. Even if you were an official carer, you would be advised to have very strong boundaries, and to ensure that your own health, including mental health, comes first - you cannot care for someone else if you are running on empty.

That's a really insightful post @NettleTea

I really liked your explanation of Things He Has Said rather than assuming the truth.

How are you getting on, @cakedup?