Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

Omg that last paragraph is how a lot of the concerns I try to bring up get dealt with. He'll sidetrack the conversation and make me believe we've settled it for example, using subtle language.

It sounds like you're really beginning to see him for what he truly is.

He's done it before. Arrived sweating and retching. Jist because I told him I needed to be left alone and wouldn't pick up the phone

The first couple of times at least go out to lunch with your son. Or your friend. Be actually unavailable somewhere he doesn't know where you've gone. Going to lunch with your son or a friend is an incredibly reasonable thing to do.

He sounds a little bit scary tbh.

I’m glad you’re beginning to see the light, OP.

And please make sure there isn’t a tracker on your phone.

THIS!!

Well done, OP! I bet she was really happy to hear from you!

I just checked, there isn't

He's done it before. Arrived sweating and retching. Jist because I told him I needed to be left alone and wouldn't pick up the phone.

Just go out with your friend. He sounds worse the more you say. Clearly he was able to come to yours when it suited him.

I think you sort of are aware it will happen, but be very prepared for him to up the ante at any attempt to put boundaries (however small) in place. "Emergency hospital admission" is a distinct possibility and then you need to find the strength to tell yourself that he's actually safe there.

Well done for talking to your friend, great step

Wow, this pretty much tells you everything that you need to know, OP. Yes, he has health problems, but he’s also very controlling and very likely a liar as well. I very much doubt that his DD was having a panic attack, it’s BS.

im so glad that you’ve contacted your friend and plan to meet up. Start living for yourself a bit and put in some boundaries with him. I’m not saying that he’s deliberately nasty, but he’s very self-centered. You need to live your life too. 💐

If he does this, and keeps harassing you when you don’t answer, I think you need to consider calling the police on him. He is a dangerous man.

I agree with this 100%.
He sounds extremely dangerous to me.
You're at great risk of harm from these types of men when you cut ties.

Tread very carefully. And do call the police on him if he won't go.

Remember what he was like when you tried to break up with him during the pandemic.

@cakedup can you get someone else to sell the tickets? Or sell them back to where you bought them?

You can't be sure of that. Maybe he wouldn't do it now, but when you're trying to leave he may go to any lengths to stop you. I'd certainly expect him to threaten it.

I'm not sure what the tickets are for but honestly just let them go. There are far more important things to worry about.

It sounds like you're taking some steps in the right direction with talking to your friend. Well done

I said to dp why is it that whenever you can't get hold of me immediately, a massive drama unfolds?

And what did he answer when you pointed that out?

to be honest it would be good if he WAS taken into hospital because of a few things

1. if he is really as ill as he is claiming, and needing all these tests and treatments that he says he does, it could well fast track him
2. if he really needs the amount of supervision that he says he needs, they are unlikely to discharge him without some sort of discussion around a care package - in fact if he went to hospital you could speak to the ward and arrange a social care assesment. and then you could lay out what you have been doing and say you just cant do it any more.
3. if you lay out what you are doing / what he expects then you will likely be told that its completely uneccesary. also if a care package is offered you can rest that it is not your responsibility any more. Its then up to him to accept or decline it, but at least then its HIS CHOICE, knowing you wont be doing it
4. If you know who his doctor is, or his practice - ring them up or write to them. tell them what he has you do - tell them about the drinking and smoking, and the way he is keeping you on the phone all day every day, and the waking up thing and everything. They wont be able to discuss him or his health, because he likely has written to give consent for that. But they can note it, and they can tell you if it is whats required. Id also tell them about him coming round if you dont answer the phone / shouting through the letter box etc. getting it logged there rather than somewhere more official is a step. Id do this tomorrow anyway. they cant tell him any more than they can tell you about him. But get that call made. I suspect the dr will call you back and you can switch your phone off at that point and answer.

and start turning the phone off while you work please, PLEASE.

he's probably having a health crisis as we speak

This. I was concerned enough before @cakedup but the more you post about him the more worrying it is. Do not underestimate how far he will go. I don't say that lightly.

I'm so glad you have spoken to your friend, the more RL people who know what he is putting you through the better.

Please do keep posting.

I'd eat my hat if his daughter had a panic attack because you didn't instantly provide her with your PayPal details. And if she did, she needs some serious professional intervention in order to develop some coping mechanisms for every day life.

Any carer can have time off to meet a friend without unneccesary interruption, it might take some notice and planning, but everyone deserves time off from their responsibilities. I'd get a date booked in with your friend ASAP and let your boyfriend manage his condition so he doesn't need to call you. I would suggest to him that if he can't cope for the day on his own then he needs to make alternative arrangements (family, friends, paid for carers, respite care). That will tell you all you need to know about how much he values your needs vs his need to have you all to himself.

The concert situation is no doubt disappointing, but adults discuss this and chat through all the options. It's the last night, doesn't affect the concert and just results in you needing to be home a day earlier. Hardly a major issue. I see a medical drama in your future on that day though!

Due to the way he acts and has treated you family and friends I would be very resentful and you don't live together either I came on this thread thinking you was wrong here but this is not the case he is wrong and its not fair on you I would end this relationship immediately in these circumstances

He wouldn't do this. He would hate the thought of being a snitch.

You have no idea what this man will do to control you, and after that to destroy you if you can’t be bent to his will. You continue to project onto him good/normal/reasonable explanations for his behavior and take his self aggrandizing statements as fact. But most of them are obviously false. Though he may not know that. He does not “hate being an invalid” he wallows init” he’s not “old fashioned “ in wanting to pay for some meals as he radically exploits your time and money for food most of the time. He does not “dislike putting you out” he is not worried about Covid he only uses that to control you: he exposes himself for his benefit as he pleases. He does not consider the diary or the phone call to his GP important although he will claim they are.

An awful lot of men who have been convicted of coercive control and / or stalking offences are neurodiverse. Its a combination of special interests and rigid thinking, that tips over from benign to malignant over time (or sometimes very quickly).

It is perfectly possible to be neurodiverse and have a very high IQ. Presumably he told you he had a super-high IQ and he uses long words to prove it...

I said to dp why is it that whenever you can't get hold of me immediately, a massive drama unfolds?

Did he respond by retching?

You need to stop the open line, especially when you are working. Call him before work, on your breaks, during lunch, etc but have those hours inbetween as yours/work. Wean yourself off him slowly if that is what it will take.