Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

799 replies

cakedup · 30/03/2024 15:53

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Original poster
cakedup · 30/03/2024 21:08

Pootle23 · 30/03/2024 21:04

So you can’t see friends etc because of his “low immunity”

but…he can go to the theatre and cinema… are you hiring the whole place?

He smokes, drinks and is a hoarder, controls who you see, controls your alone time and you wish you could have more separate time.

In a normal and healthy relationship you would want to be with him and he would want to keep you safe and feel loved, he’s not doing this.

Personally, I would run for the hills!

We go on very quiet cinema nights and sit in front row....and he makes allowances for us to go out so we don't both go insane. Sometimes it's hard for him and we've had to come home early due to him not being well enough. Whereas he feels my job, which would involve visiting schools -is a breeding ground for viruses and not worth it.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 30/03/2024 21:08

cakedup · 30/03/2024 21:04

Sorry I am going through responses gradually...yes he is definitely not well, I write up a diary for him every day and send to his GP and GP calls him every day, sometimes on loudspeaker and have accompanied him to hospital appointments.

Good grief where does he live? I cant get a GP appointment for love nor money and I'm very ill too! Been trying since pre Christmas 😮

If he's that ill then he really does need a carer. Get adult services involved, his GP will surely help with that.

ForestFancies · 30/03/2024 21:10

What is your DP doing to help himself? Where is he compromising? Where is he meeting you halfway? You seem to be doing it all, while he sits back and lets you.

My husband has a chronic health condition but he does all he can to stay well. I don't manage him or his condition. I support him as best I can, but I make time to get out myself too, to recharge my batteries so I can support him (and our children) better. For example, we had to talk about getting my husband an elderly call button in his 40s. It wasn't what he wanted but it was what was needed if I was to ever leave the house without him. It's crap, but it's something he's done to make my life easier day-to-day. It's a way he can support me, just like I support him.

PonyPatter44 · 30/03/2024 21:14

How many phone lines has this lad got, if you're on the phone to him all day every day, and the GP calls him every as well?

I don't actually believe that the GP phones him every day. I'm sure that's what he's told you, and youre telling us in good faith, but its just not feasible. GPs don't have that much time.

TheShellBeach · 30/03/2024 21:16

Wait, what? You write a daily diary for his GP?

WTF is wrong with him? And I am having a lot of trouble trying to think of a reason why a GP would phone a patient every day!

It just doesn't happen!

whynotwhatknot · 30/03/2024 21:17

sorry but this is controlling-you had to cange job cant see friends beause he migt get ill -yet sits there drinking and smoking

its bollocks hes isolating you using is illness

Hedonism · 30/03/2024 21:28

No, no, no. Just no.

Please take a step back and get out of this.

There is so much to unpack here, but just no.

ForestFancies · 30/03/2024 21:34

Your partner smokes and drinks while telling you that your job is too risky to his health?

His condition is so fragile that he doesn't keep a diary for his GP (yet you do it)? Why doesn't he manage his very fragile and risky health condition but he expects you to not go into schools as it's too risky to his health?

I think your job is too risky to his plan to fully isolate you.

hattie43 · 30/03/2024 21:34

This is all just so bad and I'm having trouble believing it's true .

SuncreamAndIceCream · 30/03/2024 21:42

Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2024 17:03

You must have absolutely no sense of self-worth to be putting up with this shit. No one who values themselves would be in a "relationship" like this. This is very, very sad.

I have to agree with this I'm afraid.

ShelleyCarpenter · 30/03/2024 21:45

I’m having trouble believing this too. You can’t do your job but he can smoke and drink? You have to keep a daily diary for the GP but if the GP advises him to go to hospital he won’t?

“Part of his condition is drowsiness and if he falls asleep for too long his symptoms get worse. So it’s down to me to keep him awake.”
What happens at night?

Annalouisa · 30/03/2024 21:48

cakedup · 30/03/2024 21:04

Sorry I am going through responses gradually...yes he is definitely not well, I write up a diary for him every day and send to his GP and GP calls him every day, sometimes on loudspeaker and have accompanied him to hospital appointments.

Do you want to be his nurse/unpaid carer for the next ten years? You mention he has money - can he get a carer? If he's too proud to d that, why should you pay the price, living your life around his illness and whims?

ReadySetGrow · 30/03/2024 21:51

You can see your friends/family - just make sure you wear a good respirator mask (look up Flo Mask). My family and I have not been sick for a number of years as we mask and only dine outdoors.

Astartn · 30/03/2024 21:51

Agree with pp, it sounds like he’s played you a blinder because a lot of this just isn’t adding up

Dymaxion · 30/03/2024 21:56

I imagine he has something similar to COPD or heart failure ? I also imagine he has ignored all the health advice he has been given regarding his illness, ( so continuing to chain smoke ) choosing instead to carry on doing what he has always done but with the reassurance that he has someone on call for most of the day if he feels unwell/anxious.
If he gets 'sleepy' do you mean he suffers from sleep apnea ? because there are machines he can use which would help with this, but let me guess he doesn't want one or tried one once and didn't like it, so its gathering dust in his hoarded house ? Would benefit from home oxygen but can't have it because he refuses to give up smoking ?

HappyHolidai · 30/03/2024 21:58

This sounds awful for you.

Surely what he needs is onsite carers or some sort of paid support for him who don't have any sort of emotional relationship with him. They can make sure he doesn't fall asleep dangerously/whatever else/provide company. And a cleaner!

Then you can speak to him as and when (a couple of times a day maybe) and if you want to go over, you can enjoy the good side. Get rid of the open phone line, see your friends and family, get your life back! The balance is currently just all wrong.

AfraidToRun · 30/03/2024 22:05

Does he want you to quit work and move in full time?

OneNiftyPoet · 30/03/2024 22:05

Incomprehensible to me I'm afraid. Seems like an extreme case of masochism on your part. He sounds like a repulsive pig of a man.

TheShellBeach · 30/03/2024 22:06

Why does his GP ring him every day?

AutumnFroglets · 30/03/2024 22:07

@Dymaxion I have COPD (plus other life shortening conditions) and as I stated above I can't get a GP appointment. My DF had heart failure. Neither of us do/did a health diary Confused Something is very off.

@cakedup What health conditions does he have? I'm starting to think he's pulling a fast one here.

kiwiane · 30/03/2024 22:11

I think I’d leave him - you aren’t in a full relationship with him and I can’t see how this can be worth your while. Life is for living and he’s not making things easier for himself or for you.
You can put yourself and your home life and work first; it is not wrong to leave someone when the circumstances have changed. You are not even comfortable when you stay with him.

ShelleyCarpenter · 30/03/2024 22:18

Interesting that you are not responding to anyone who asks you what his condition is

Doingmybest12 · 30/03/2024 22:20

This has made me sad to read, he is utterly controlling. It's not about his illness, please don't continue to live like this.

Newcrocs · 30/03/2024 22:23

This can't be true, it's utterly batshit. Daily GP calls? You can't do your job even if you don't live together but you go to the theatre and that's fine? On the phone for 16 hours a day? So poorly he can't fall asleep but yet gets drunk?

Give over, he's taking you for an absolute fool.

hobocock · 30/03/2024 22:24

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

Well that is absolutely ridiculous and needs to stop immediately. If he is this bad that he needs to have a phone line open for that length of time then it is time for him to discuss getting carers in. Or if it's not as bad as that but he needs to be able to contact someone, he needs to be equipped with a call button.
There's no way in hell I would be putting up with that. You are not his 24-hour free carer. You are not his nurse nor his doctor. You are supposed to be his DP.

Why are you writing a diary for his GP for him? Why can't he do this?
He can manage to drink and smoke but can't write a diary.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man. Just because he has unfortunately developed some kind of life-changing health condition doesn't mean he automatically turns into a saint at diagnosis. An asshole will remain an asshole.
I have an acquaintance who has MS. She was a nightmare before the diagnosis - in a similar way to this guy - demanding people jump when she called and so on and so forth. And her behaviour towards others has just got worse and worse over the years. I'm afraid I had to distance myself from her because it was intolerable. I know it's a terrible illness but it doesn't give you the right to treat others badly. My friend is a neighbour of hers and she is constantly demanding that she goes round there, phones her up all the time and shouts at her if she doesn't dance to her tune.

I think I would have to end the relationship with him but I doubt you will do that. So you can either get really strict boundaries in place and tell him exactly what isn't working for you and that if he continues to shout at you or demean your work etc, you will end the relationship. And also that he needs to get care in place if he can't manage alone.