Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

What right does he have to own your life like this?

I'm not sure what replies you expect from your post , surely no one will suggest you are being unreasonable.
What reply would you give to someone describing a man like him , a selfish controlling smoking hoarder living in squalor showing you disrespect who expects you to compromise for his convenience ?
You need to lie in the bed you've made or do what anyone with an ounce of self worth would do and get out of this mess and enjoy your own life free from this millstone round your neck , you can't fix everyone ,i would be concentrating on my son in your situation.

Why do you think that's your responsibility?

You barely mention your child. Aside from saying he has mental health problems.
Your child must be affected by all of this. & he needs your care. Leave this man alone and focus on bringing up your child.

All of the above OP. Why are you sacrificing your youth on this selfish smelly nasty controlling man? Do you have a saviour complex perhaps? Life doesn't have to be like this.

No contact with friends/family is not down to immunity, its because I have no space or time in any given day for them. I'm either with him or on the phone to him.

No, it is NOT down to you to keep him awake. If he has serious, time-sensitive needs such as this, he needs to hire a care person.

No he wouldn't do that in a million years, far too proud. He has been in his current home for 40 years and still has the same furniture etc from them. He has money btw.

Stop martyring yourself to this man.

He is not your responsibility so stop letting him take over your life.

Ds is 19. He does have a lot of life long friends and family.

I'm 52 by the way!!

I do appreciate your replies by the way and taking on board every one.

And he is clean in himself, bathes every day, well presented. Just has a weird set up in the home.

many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.
So he is ignoring expert medical advice?

a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity.
We still go to the theatre, cinema
WHOAH!!! Read that back to yourself!!

Part of his condition is drowsiness and if he falls asleep for too long his symptoms get worse. So it's down to me to keep him awake.
Get him an extra loud alarm clock. It's down to him to manage this or he needs to seek medical advice. It is NOT A0yiur responsibility!

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc
Hell no, that has to go. Work needs privacy. Your son needs privacy. You need it.

Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.
I am not surprised. Has this started since he lost his mother to this one sided and ott relationship?

He needs to explore paying for carers, or ask adult care to do an assessment. He needs to start being responsible for his own health. It is not your job to look after him. You should leave when it's convenient for you, not at midnight, you are going to kill yourself with tiredness and stress at this rate.

None of us are perfect, but the positives need to outweigh the negatives in any relationship. It is telling that in your initial post, you didn’t mention a single thing that he was bringing to the table in your relationship and had to be asked what the positives were. Even then in subsequent posts you have added more and more negatives. You might miss some of the outings, laughter and talks that you enjoy if you are no longer with this man, but to balance that, you would have time for friends and family, your work wouldn’t be suffering, and in short, you’d have a life!

His illness is his responsibility.

To give some context on this, I am severely disabled.

I have physical disabilities following an accident and also neurological issues that mean I have problems walking, talking, and staying conscious.

I live on my own and it is my responsibility to manage my condition. I don't put that on anyone else.

You are taking on far too much responsibility for him, probably because he does not want to do it himself.

We are all going to die, some of us sooner than others. You will absolutely burn yourself out if you try to keep doing what you are, not least because you are giving him someone to blame/beg.

Step back.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship with your boyfriend ?

If he needs care to keep him alive/from deteriorating, he needs a carer. Sure he'd prefer you to do it but you have a job and a home to run. Hes blackmailing you. But if he wasn't in a relationship with someone he can bully (you) then what would he do? Whatever it is (hire a carer etc) - he should be doing that.

No way should you be giving up sleep, privacy, and dignity(all that slagging off of your family and colleagues is very demeaning) just because he'd rather it was you looking after him.

Get your life back! Set some boundaries! Otherwise this will get worse more worse, and then worse still.

Oh, come on.

Just stop. Why are you wasting your time?

Bless you @Octavia64. That must be tough but you are acting like an adult here 💐💐💐

I wonder why your mother has fallen out with him?

That's absolutely shocking. I'm appalled that you've sacrificed your family members and your friends (not to mention yourself) to this absolutely ridiculous level of virtual care.

Does no-one else matter to you? No-one in your family worthy of being prioritised just occasionally?

I'm genuinely shocked by your decision making. That open phone line is ridiculous. And I speak as someone who cared for her terminally ill husband for two years.

I’m going to be very blunt here because I’ve seen a friend do something similar and it was horrid

You cannot afford to alienate yourself from your family and friends. You need to live your life to.

When he dies you need to have a life to go on with. You need people to support you, love you and be there with you as you move forward.

Forcing himself to be the sole thing in your life is utterly, utterly selfish of him

#@cakedup

You need to put yourself first,
as if you carry putting his health concerns central to your life,
this will have a detrimental effect on your physical health sooner or later too,

Allready it's affecting your emotional wellbeing being his sole Carer,
Resentment allready is starting to seep in ,

hardly susprisely under the circumstances, with the obvious lack of extra help you,
Currently

I would encourage him to have proffessional Carer's come around to look after him,
as soon as possible,

Could he have a proffessional cleaner 🤔 come in on a regular basis then?

As your personal sanity is at stake here in this kind of situation that's for sure,

It's not selfish to think like thus,

It's called self preservation it's surival mode crisis,
this will envitable happen somewhere down the line sooner or later.

@cakedup
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