Dss doesn’t want to take part in Easter egg hunt

[Ohitsallbullshit]

I am hosting an Easter egg hunt today for approx 20 children aged 7-13. They are my dc, nephews, nieces and friends dc. Dss is 11, has known most of these children for at lease 6 years, some since he was born.
He has just said he doesn’t want to do the hunt as doesn’t like them. He will sit in his room and game for the time our friends and family are here.

Aibu to say he won’t get any extra eggs and sweets then? I have hidden approx 80 small plastic eggs with sweets and chocolate inside them and they all have a mini eggs boxed egg to take home also.

he already has 4 larger eggs and some money from family and goes to his mums tomorrow. Plus he’s over weight but he will be upset if he doesn’t get the extra the others will get by running around the garden searching.

You're wrong to punish him for not wanting to join in

But why does he need a good reason to opt out of an Easter Egg hunt?! Surely that's supposed to be fun, if it's not fun for him then that's a good enough reason. He shouldn't need a note from his GP about anxiety to get out of an Easter egg hunt!

I agree constantly shutting yourself away in your room isn't good for mental health, but we're talking about one afternoon in the Easter holidays. I reckon that's probably ok isn't it?

Declining an invite to an Easter party is not rude and unsociable. Making your children feel that they're being rude and unsociable because they don't want to go to a party is unkind and won't lead to good mental health down the line (when they're terrified to say no to anything).

I agree, he might think it's babyish. He's far to cool for an Easter egg hunt.
So just let him be, I'm sure some of the other 11- 13 y olds don't really want to do it either, especially if they are boys.

Just make it clear that on the eggs it's finders keepers!

Maybe he can entertain the other drop outs instead? If you have enough controllers he can set up a game for the older ones to play while the little kids hunt for the eggs.

I wouldn't punish him or set restrictions. It just leaves you with an grumpy unsociable 11 year old instead of just unsociable for the duration of the egg hunt.

No is a full sentence, but does that mean everyone can just opt out of every single thing they don't want to do?

I hate weddings, but if someone I cared about invited me, I'd just go. Sometimes I have to go for a family meal at a restaurant I don't love. But it's a special occasion so I make the effort for that person.

Sometimes it's a good thing to get children a bit out of their comfort zone.

Posters saying that 11 isn’t too old for an egg hunt because they/their friends enjoy it in their 40s- tweens/pre-teens are typically much more self conscious and aware of what is “cool” and “babyish” than fully grown adults. I enjoy plenty of things now at nearly 40 that I cringed about my parents forcing me to do when I was a tween, even for example clapping along to the finale song of a Christmas panto! Can remember burning with cringe at my mum trying to make me do that, now I obviously clap and sing along with reckless abandon!

OP- my 11 year old enjoyed being the helper who set the egg hunt up for her 3 year old sister and toddler friends. Could DSS help put the eggs out for the little ones?

I absolutely agree.

And we wonder why child and teen mental health is so poor!

My ds is 11 and has no interest in easter egg hunts now and both dds were the same. They are for little kids, I wouldn't punish him for it in anyway. Easter egg hunts ARE boring.

I obviously don’t know your DSS but from what you’ve said, he doesn’t sound very happy.

I would treat him more like an older child. Asking him if he wants to help you lay out the trail or make drinks is a good idea, and maybe in future years, tap into his interest in food to help you choose the eggs for the trail - perhaps organise decorating some blown eggs as well (and making pancakes or cake from the insides), or include something about gaming or a hobby he’s interested in as one of the prizes for the hunt. If he feels supported and his mental well-being is strong, it will be easier to get him involved with more active hobbies and improve his eating patterns in the long run. Good luck.

only read your comments @Ohitsallbullshit . have you wifi turned off? appreciate he doesnt want to hunt for eggs but he wouldnt be gaming if lived in my house. and agree no extra eggs if he didnt join in. you sound like a great step parent btw

I'd say it's fine to not join in with the hunt but the Wi-Fi will be off for the time they're all at your house.

No, of course not.

He can't opt of school for example.

Should he be able to opt out of an Easter Egg hunt? Of course he should.

If you find yourself constantly forcing yourself to do things you don't like by people who supposedly love and care for you I'd have a think about why that is? What messages where you/they given as children? And why, having experienced the discomfort of this yourself, are you so eager to insist an 11 year old boy you don't know must also suffer like you do?

I don't understand these comments about "his" guests. He didnt invite them, they are OP's guests.

Maybe all the enforced fun and loads of people is a bit much for him. Let him have some space.

He doesn't want to do the forced fun. That's fine. He doesn't get the extra eggs.

But why would you turn the wifi off and punish him? He doesn't have to join in if he doesn't want to - I am an adult and I would hate to be made to socialise and join in with people I didn't want to. He can't go elsewhere, so he's choosing to stay in his room. What's wrong with that?

And you are an adult, they are a child with limited autonomy. Autonomy good parents want to encourage. This isn't a family wedding or a significant birthday this is opting out of plastic egg gathering.

This is the ideal situation for a child to learn to say no. This is crucial to development of secure boundaries.

Absolutely this. No need for that.

An 11 year old not wanting to do an Easter egg hunt? Not surprising at all to me.

Poor kid. He's expressed his choice. Don't try to force him.
I agree that he shouldn't get any of the hunt eggs though.
Maybe ask him to help you set up or make drinks or sort out a playlist or whatever.
Make him feel valued and part of the days events even if he spends the majority of it doing his own thing.
Emphasise the importance of treating guests well, while also respecting that he doesn't want to do the egg hunt.

Out of interest, is he primary or secondary school?

This. He’s 11, not 5. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to do it. I don’t personally know any 11 year old that would he’s around late primary school even early secondary school age. You sound in utter contempt of this child. You’re a grown woman and need to act like one and stop being mean spirited.

I think I would have a chat with him. Recognise his feelings - younger children can be annoying can't they? Maybe ask him if there is a family activity that he would like for everyone to do together? See if you can include his idea in the weekend plans, or if not this weekend, then next weekend. With a bit of give and take, he may feel able to join in more.

Kids are allowed to not want to do things.

There is always going to be things they can't opt out of. Mine aren't allowed to opt out of visiting their dad, sitting at the table at meals times, days out, school, appointments.. you know, the important stuff.

Leisure activities are entirely their own choices though, i'm not into forcing my kids into doing thing they don't find fun, don't want to join in with, and i am certainly never EVER going to punish them for choosing not to. That is the route to unhappy kids.

As an adult if i don't want to go to that wedding, i don't have to, and if i don't want to join in stupid childish party games with others at a gathering and sit out, i can do, and no-one will punish or force me to either.
Kids are entitled to the same kind of Autonomy.

He can, but he can't bugger off to his room and be rude while guests are there, and he can't have treats from the hunt if he doesn't take part.

He weight is irrelevant and questioning why you mentioned it in this context.

Leave him alone 11 is way too old for Easter egg hunts

I’m surprised people think 11 is too old for an Easter Egg hunt. One of mine is almost 17 and he’s really looking forward to it! As are my 14, 12 and 9 year olds!!

As pp have said! Isn't 11 a bit old for an Easter egg hunt? Although I do see there's som 13 year olds around but it is that awkward age.

Maybe next year you could do something a bit more grown up for the older kids.

Why is it rude for an 11yo to not want to spend time socialising with their parents guests?

I think its bad manners to force kids into situations they don't want to be in.

Are you one of those parents that insists the kids allow relatives to kiss/hug them when the kid doesn't want to be touched?

Why is he being seen as rude to not engage with guests that he didn't invite and very likely didn't have a say in whether they'd be there? Retreating to his room is not rude.