Dss doesn’t want to take part in Easter egg hunt

[Ohitsallbullshit]

I am hosting an Easter egg hunt today for approx 20 children aged 7-13. They are my dc, nephews, nieces and friends dc. Dss is 11, has known most of these children for at lease 6 years, some since he was born.
He has just said he doesn’t want to do the hunt as doesn’t like them. He will sit in his room and game for the time our friends and family are here.

Aibu to say he won’t get any extra eggs and sweets then? I have hidden approx 80 small plastic eggs with sweets and chocolate inside them and they all have a mini eggs boxed egg to take home also.

he already has 4 larger eggs and some money from family and goes to his mums tomorrow. Plus he’s over weight but he will be upset if he doesn’t get the extra the others will get by running around the garden searching.

he has an obsession with junk food and I’m trying to limited

He knows he is overweight, and may be secretly self conscious about it.

I bet he knows you are trying to stop him eating junk food.

So he probably feels v conflicted and ‘anti’ this egg hunt.

Have you given him an Easter egg? Surely you give your kids an egg and not as a reward for taking party in an activity?

Fine, if he doesn’t hunt and find hidden eggs he doesn’t get them to eat, but why wouldn’t you give him one of the boxed mini eggs that none of them have hunted for and found?

That sounds spiteful

He’s at an awkward age. Which may last some time.

I'd say he doesn't need to join in if he feels too old for it but if it were me I also wouldn't allow him to isolate himself in his room and play video games the whole time.
How antisocial and unhealthy when you have guests over.

My teen is lovely! She often would prefer to be hidden away but knows that sometimes we have to be good hosts and not be rude. It is fun, but not in the way you meant.

I give a lot of leeway to my children but sometimes it's about knowing how to behave in polite society.

Lots of very petty people here just looking to cause conflict, I think. Turning the WiFi off? Insisting he either join the egg hunt or not be allowed to do what he wants instead? This is the kind of thing a petty dictator who wants to throw their weight around does, not someone who cares if their child is happy.

People saying he needs to come down because guests are coming- they aren't his guests! He didn't invite them, and if he could choose I'm sure they wouldn't be there at all! So why does he have to come down and socialise with them?

I think this nails it. I don’t see any reason to punish him by not letting him game, or turning off the Wi-Fi - that’s just petty. If he’s aware that not taking part in the egg hunt means he won’t get any of the extra goodies hidden, and he still doesn’t want to take part, then he’s made an informed choice according to his own priorities. Nothing wrong with that.

This. On another thread, opinion is that if the husband invites people, his wife doesn't have to stay and socialise.

I think an Easter egg hunt can be fun for any age, particularly if the older ones have complex clues to solve. However it’s a fun activity and not compulsory so I would leave him alone to please himself. I thought in an Easter egg hunt you only kept the eggs you found so it would be a natural consequence rather than a punishment that he would have fewer eggs. If you leave him alone he may or may not decide he’s missing out and join in but I wouldn’t give it any attention at all. It’s not really important. I understand that you are concerned about his weight but it has no connection to the situation. I don’t think the time to worry about weight is on a celebration day, it’s more about lifestyle day to day.

not his guests.

Just leave him to it. If he wants to sit in his room and game then let him. My kids would have done the same at that age and older.

It wouldn’t be a punishment - it’s a kind intervention because gaming is addictive and if your feeling worried or anxious it might be easier to stay closed off gaming rather than doing the harder thing of coming downstairs. It’s a bit of gentle encouragement. It’s not good to be shut away, in a virtual world when real life fun is happening downstairs.

but it isn't 'real life fun' if it isn't something you want to do, or join in with.

Again, why this obsession in forcing kids to participate when they don't want to?

All you "Kids must join in" people.

Scenario. i live with my mom, ('m 43 btw) if she invited people over that were going to invade my lounge and my personal space, would you expect me to sit around talking to her friends/making tea/serving biscuits or would you tell me it's fine if i want to go do something else?

You'd tell me i'm perfectly within my right to do what i like instead, and you'd tell me my mother had control issues and to set my bounaries.

Why is it ok for me as an adult aged offspring to decide i don't want to socialise with my mothers guests, but not for an 11yo?

You going to tell my mother to turn off the WiFi, or make me read a book instead?
How about my kids, what if they don't want to socialise with Grandmas' guests? You going to tell me to force them downstairs too?

@mollyfolk no it is a passive aggressive action!

There is no mention of the child engaged in excessive gaming. Why shouldn't they be engaged in their entertainment preference whilst the others are engaged in theirs?

This is the Easter holidays, in our house and many others gaming takes place over a portion of free time on the weekends, so not excessive.

I wouldn’t force him to participate. I’d insist he got dressed alright; I’d suggest it’s polite to say hello but I wouldn’t force that either. I’d say today we’re not playing games, it’s Easter Sunday.

According to the OP these are his step siblings and other children that he’s known since a child - kids his age. So I’d mostly just be worried about him and why he doesn’t want to be involved. Does he feel safe there? Is he able to be himself? That’s what I’d be thinking and trying to figure out with him. It’s the easy option to let him sit in his pjs gaming but it’s doing him a disservice in the long run.

What does it being easter sunday have to do with not gaming?

He doesn't want to join in with the OP's family and friends. Why should he be forced to? Why this assumption that he doesn't know his own mind?

Turning off the wifi when it's not turned off any other day or managed any other day would be a punishment.

If there are issues with the amount he games, that should be dealt with every day, not just on a day when there is a forced family activity planned.

Exactly this!

It’s a celebration (in ops house anyway). A day when family & friends are coming together. It’s not time for gaming. I’d see it as making it a bit easier to take the step out of his room and come down and maybe enjoy himself. It’s anti social behaviour and maybe there is some social anxiety around it - which could also be chatted about.

Why can't he game on easter sunday? (As an aside - Today is Saturday isn't it, not Sunday?)

If his gaming is an issue in general, then that should be addressed by gaming limits every day/every week - not just unilaterally imposed by the OP on easter saturday.

My kids have step siblings they've known since they were 5 and 7. They are now 23 and 25. They don't like their step siblings and choose not to socialise together. They didn't like them when they were 11 either, and the times they were forced to socialise with them didn't go well - it did the mental health of my youngest immense damage in fact.

“Oh that’s a shame. Enjoy your gaming but if you do change your mind, you can always come and join us later. I could do with a hand getting the eggs hidden in the morning, if you fancy giving me a hand, let me know.”

It's not his friends though, is it?

YABU. He probably thinks he's a bit too old. Can't you reframe things and ask him to be 'chief organiser' where he's in charge of hiding the eggs, and helping the little ones. Give him a job, so that he's getting involved without actually doing the activity.

He may feel it's for kids and he's too old.

He may be already picking up on your opinion and feeling anxious about his weight - and it's his way of declining more chocolate.

Making it either you do it, or you get punished by not gaming, and reading instead, so equating reading a book with punishment for him? Really?

He's on the verge of adolescence. He's changing, and you need to start changing with him - instead of making it a battle.

I hate organised activities like this - always have done. Any kind of "forced fun" is a no-no for me. Here's the thing though - I do like just chilling, hanging out with people at a party, watching others enjoy themselves, and just chatting and relaxing. I'm very happy with that.

Thing is that people tend not to accept that you're perfectly happy and will go on and on to get you to do whatever it is they think you should be doing because it's "FUN!" (except it's fun to them, not to you!).

I wonder if there is a history here of this boy wanting to just chill and socialise in a relaxed "non-forced-fun-activity" way but when he attempts to do so, he gets a lot of pressure to participate in whatever activity is going on? This happened to me a lot as a kid and as a result, there were a few times I'd retreat off to a quiet place because it got so tiresome.

I wonder if he'd be happy just chilling and socialising without participating in the egg hunt (I'd have LOATHED this - chocolate or not!) - but he is saying he wants to go off and game because he knows if he tries to socialise without doing the hunt, he will get endless hassle about it until he feels forced to participate. And even if not forced to do it, I can just hear him getting the endless "oh but you won't get any eggs! you won't get any treats! Look at everyone else! Look at all their eggs! You missed out! Why aren't you joining in? it's fun!" - rather than just enjoying socialising with the boy in a pleasant way.

Just because you've arranged the activity and YOU think it's fun - doesn't mean it's fun to everyone. Just because he's a kid doesn't mean he'll enjoy things that other kids enjoy.

As for should he get eggs? Well - he's not stupid - he knows the eggs are for the hunt right? So don't bang on about it. If if were me I'd hold a couple back for him just to be nice - it doesn't have to turn into such a big drama or big lecture to the boy.

It sounds like you have put a lot of effort into making a nice event for them but I think if he doesn’t want to then I would leave him to it. However as long as he realises he is not entitled to any of the hunt eggs!