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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t allow hearing to go above 16.

163 replies

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 08:35

Live up north in an old stone house with single glazed windows upstairs. Central heating powered by oil, 2 open fires. That’s what heats the house. The last week or so I’ve come down in the morning and the temperature has been 13 degrees. If I put the heating on (which is capped at 16) I’ll notice that half an hour later he’s turned it off. When questioned he cites we are low on oil.

For info I buy the logs and the oil (around £350 a month for oil and £100 a month for logs). I also pay the electric and water and food shopping plus my own diesel for the car. I tend to buy all things for our child. He pays rent, council tax, insurance, car services (and repairs). He earns twice what I do.

I’m full of cold at the moment with an awful cough and so went to put the heating on (currently 14 degrees) and he’s switched it off again. I’m fuming.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JoJothegerbil · 30/03/2024 08:37

No YANBU. He's sounds controlling and nasty. What kind of man would want their wife and child to be cold?

SomewhereFarAwayFromThere · 30/03/2024 08:39

Tell him to fuck off.

Our boiler is broke at the moment, another is being fitted til next week. We have heaters, but without those our house is 16 degrees and feels freezing. Don’t stand for it!

Hope you’re feeling better soon.

SkyBloo · 30/03/2024 08:39

Yanbu, thats not a comfortable temperature at all. If it was 18, id sympathise with him as your heating oil bill sounds a lot, but sub 16 is awful.

Can you buy a small electric space heater or oil rad, and have it in the smallest comfortable room you have, so you can have somewhere warm to retreat to rather than heating the whole house?

Make sure you are doing everything you can to keep heat in - roof insulation, thick curtains.

And id have a firm conversation with him that you need it warmer. Its not his decision to take.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/03/2024 08:40

Why don't you pool all your money, pay all the bills and stuff for the kids and give yourselves the same spending money.

You will free up a bit more for heating.

Although he is a controlling arse and I would divorce him.

aodirjjd · 30/03/2024 08:40

Can you do anything to make your house more energy efficient? Your costs are crazy

Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 08:41

I don't think your being unreasonable especially if you pay for the fuel.

I do wonder though why your oil costs £350 per month, that sounds really high.

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/03/2024 08:42

I mean fuck him. You pay for all the fuel so you get to choose how much of it to use.

AgnesX · 30/03/2024 08:42

I get cranky when I'm cold and in winter the temperature is set to 18C ( and I still wear sweaters).

I hope he's got other admirable qualities because if he were my DH he'd be getting the order of the boot.

Ilovemyshed · 30/03/2024 08:44

£350 per month for oil? Do you live in a mansion?

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 30/03/2024 08:44

It’s recommended that minimum room temp during winter (and it’s still cold like winter) is 18 degrees. Being that cold will not be helping you when you are ill. I couldn’t live like that just tell him you are putting up the thermostat and that’s the end of it.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/03/2024 08:45

Remind him that he's likely causing damp and mould issues, which will create longer term problems than an hour of heating!

YireosDodeAver · 30/03/2024 08:45

Yanbu and he's an arsehole. Even 16 is very low. I have ours on 18 normally and up to 19 if I am feeling poorly. This level of controlling behaviour is abusive and I think you should reconsider whether to stay in this relationship.

Cazpar · 30/03/2024 08:47

Stop fuming and have a proper discussion with him. "I need the house to be warmer than X. We are not low on oil. I am therefore putting the heating on, do not turn it off."

If he is the kind of person who likes a cold temperature (some do) he can take layers off or turn off the radiator in the room he's in.

Fireyflies · 30/03/2024 08:47

16 is far too cold. You need at least one room in your house that you can sit around in that's so least 19 degrees in the evening (or the day too if you WFH). DH and I argued a bit about heating when I first moved in, but settled in a rule that if I was wearing two jumpers, jeans and slippers and was still cold, then the heating should be turned up. It's horrible being too cold all the time.

Toomuch44 · 30/03/2024 08:49

Unless, you're in debt between you/struggling to make ends meet, that's totally unreasonable - especially as you're paying the bills for fuel and electric, and it'll be on you if it's more!

What's your relationship like generally, OP?

One thing, if he's so worried about saving you money, then I'd cut back on things he really likes food wise, so no roast next week, cheap paste instead of chicken for his sandwiches, no cans or wine for him etc.

Mindymomo · 30/03/2024 08:49

I wouldn’t accept this at all, buy yourself a heated blanket, heated scarf, heated onesie.

Original poster
C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 08:53

Crumpleton · 30/03/2024 08:41

I don't think your being unreasonable especially if you pay for the fuel.

I do wonder though why your oil costs £350 per month, that sounds really high.

That’s what 500litres of oil costs up here. The oil heats the water and the radiators…

The house is rented so only so much we can do in terms of keeping the heat in. Our bedroom for example, the curtains move with the slightest wind - it’s really old and drafty. I want to move somewhere newer and warmer but he’s ’old school’ farming stock and it’s almost like he’s martyring himself living in the cold, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
FlemishHorse · 30/03/2024 08:54

You’re burning 500 litres of oil a month (all year round?) to keep a rented house at 16 degrees? And you have a child? The place must be unfit for human habitation, and if the LL won’t fix it he needs reporting.

GrumpyOldCrone · 30/03/2024 08:55

Does he generally think that he should make all the decisions? Or is it just the room temperature?

If he’s anxious about money, and a generally reasonable person, it’s worth talking to him about it. It’s not reasonable to keep your property at such a low temperature. If it’s damp you could end up with structural problems which are expensive to fix. The discomfort of being cold is one of several considerations.

On the other hand, if he thinks he’s the head of the household and gets to make all the decisions, then you need to decide how long you’re willing to live as a second class citizen in your own home.

Love51 · 30/03/2024 08:55

We have different temperature preferences so have to compromise. But if he was citing costs as a reason we couldn't have warmth I'd question every frivolous expenditure he made - food, shelter and warmth are the basics!
You sat he's your husband, and there's an implication he has more spends than you. You are married so you need to rectify that so you both have the same financial freedom. Have a rejig of the budget together and add extra for fuel on top of what you're already paying, as he thinks you are running out so clearly you need more!

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 08:55

Blimey. I think I would just move tbh. Up to him if he comes too.

gamerchick · 30/03/2024 08:57

Ok well tell him that since you can't use what you've paid for, he can pay for it and pay to deal with the mould that'll crop up.

Spend the money you spend on oil on plug in stuff you can wear or drape over yourself.

Octavia64 · 30/03/2024 08:57

I lived in a house like that.

I recommend a heated throw, a weighted blanket, an oodie and north face tent slippers.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 30/03/2024 09:00

YANBU
I wouldn’t live another winter in that house.
And a man who earns twice what you do and gets off lightly on bills would be under review, too,

Surprise me: is some of your lower income due to the unequal share of childcare within your home?

NaiceUser · 30/03/2024 09:00

My god you need to speak to your council's Environmental Health department as it sounds like your home isn't sealed and is unfit for habitation

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