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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband won’t allow hearing to go above 16.

163 replies

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 08:35

Live up north in an old stone house with single glazed windows upstairs. Central heating powered by oil, 2 open fires. That’s what heats the house. The last week or so I’ve come down in the morning and the temperature has been 13 degrees. If I put the heating on (which is capped at 16) I’ll notice that half an hour later he’s turned it off. When questioned he cites we are low on oil.

For info I buy the logs and the oil (around £350 a month for oil and £100 a month for logs). I also pay the electric and water and food shopping plus my own diesel for the car. I tend to buy all things for our child. He pays rent, council tax, insurance, car services (and repairs). He earns twice what I do.

I’m full of cold at the moment with an awful cough and so went to put the heating on (currently 14 degrees) and he’s switched it off again. I’m fuming.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rhoticity · 30/03/2024 09:30

Move to somewhere else, either with or without dh.

Being cold is miserable

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 09:37

Sailawaygirl · 30/03/2024 09:24

To measure the oil if you don't have a gauge ( we dont) get a cheap thermal imaging camera. On a cold night after a sunny day ( when oil in take has warmed a bit) you can see the level quite clearly.

Also minum amount on boilerjuice is 500. I have found that some times they have billed me for 500 even if they only but 300 in? Are they automatically coming every month of do you call them when oil is at a set point? Last time in found it cheaper to go to Geoff directly for oil instead of through boiler juice.

Are you cooking on oil? That might be the difference?

Thanks for the tip for measuring the oil, will look into that.

No, cooking on electric. Not automatic, the tank is 1200l, the invoice clearly says 500l is being delivered. I’m going to head outside and see if I can look at the gauge.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 30/03/2024 09:38

How much of his salary does he contribute to household bills compared to you? Does he have more money left over? He sounds awful.

I am a chilly mortal and definitely feel the cold more than DH. If he lived alone I’m sure the thermostat would be on a lower setting, but he accepts that even with layers on I need the heating on at a certain level and it is way higher than 16 degrees.

Can you get someone to check the oil tank? Although I know that won’t help the temperature of the house

Is he controlling in other ways?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/03/2024 09:41

OP, you seem to be focusing totally on the heating issue and not on the wider issue of your husband's behaviour.

Why does he get to force you to live in a house you don't want to live in?

What would happen if you said, "I will not tolerate another winter in this house. By September the children and I will be living in a newer, more modern house with functional heating. Will you be staying here or moving with us?"

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 09:42

He’s horizontal. Not controlling at all. Always worried about money though. Our rent is £1200 a month, council tax around £350 and insurance is around £600 (contents, cars, dog, horses (we have 2 - he pays for his and I pay for mine in terms of livery /feed / shoes) and he pays any vet bills. He also pays for our son’s school fees. So he is paying a lot.

I’m more concerned that we are losing oil if 500l a month is more than normal.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 30/03/2024 09:43

If he isn’t controlling then you can move to a better more insulated house

Bluefell · 30/03/2024 09:44

You don’t need the heating on overnight. It’s normal for it to be cold when you get up in the morning. However I do agree that putting it on 18 during the day would be reasonable.

crumblingschools · 30/03/2024 09:44

If there is an issue with the tank and you can reduce oil costs would he let you increase the temperature in the house?

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 09:46

Oh the heating is never allowed on overnight!

It’s the Easter hols so he’s not used to me and our child being home during the day (he wfh) and he just doesn’t put the heating on during the day at all. It’s like he’s self torturing himself by being cold and that makes him a more worthy person?!

what I have learnt though is that 500l of oil a month with barely any heating on is not a normal amount to be going through so will investigate this.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 30/03/2024 09:47

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/03/2024 09:41

OP, you seem to be focusing totally on the heating issue and not on the wider issue of your husband's behaviour.

Why does he get to force you to live in a house you don't want to live in?

What would happen if you said, "I will not tolerate another winter in this house. By September the children and I will be living in a newer, more modern house with functional heating. Will you be staying here or moving with us?"

Who said he is forcing her to live in that house?

Chasingsquirrels · 30/03/2024 09:48

Definitely seems like a lot of oil, especially if the heating isn't really on.

I appreciate that the age and insulation of the house will have a big impact.
But as a comparison I use around 1,200L - 1,500L a year for heating and hot water (1998 4-bed house with typically 3 people living here).

chocolategg · 30/03/2024 09:49

I'd move

Tumbleweed101 · 30/03/2024 09:50

500l of oil lasts me a whole winter say Nov to Feb and then I top up March and 500L last until the following winter. I use mine for heating and hot water, 3 bed semi and temp at 20C in winter when we are home (set at 15C overnight or when everyone is out.)

You definitely need to have the property looked at for efficency.

Bluefell · 30/03/2024 09:51

Oh the heating is never allowed on overnight!
You’re under a duvet, you don’t need the heating on overnight.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/03/2024 09:52

Notamum12345577 · 30/03/2024 09:47

Who said he is forcing her to live in that house?

She said she wants to move but he refuses.

Anonymouseposter · 30/03/2024 10:00

The house is far too cold. Thirteen degrees is extremely uncomfortable and at work 16 degrees is the bare legal minimum temperature for sedentary workers. Your costs are very high though. I live in an old stone house in Wales and there are some draughts. £600 covered the oil to keep the thermostat at 19 for 3 months Nov to February. I don’t buy coal or logs and very rarely turn on the electric fire. Your house must be very badly insulated. You can’t live like that in the cold but I can understand why he’s worried about the amount of money going on heating. If the rental market wasn’t so difficult I would advise moving but if you’re paying I would set the thermostat where you feel comfortable.

commonground · 30/03/2024 10:01

The price you are paying for your oil sounds correct, but it is interesting that you are filling the tank every month.

Can you ask the delivery guy next time. He should know how much is in there.

Or, assuming you are empty every month (I don't think you are btw, I think there is plenty in there) next time, if you can put it on a credit card, ask for the full 1200 litres. He will only be able to fill to capacity. I bet you find he tells you he has only been able to fill, say 500, as that is all that would fit. (They will refund you the difference to your card).

Is your DH anxious generally? Burning oil is quite a triggering thing, tbh because you are aware you are literally burning money and it is not a finite resource (eg it is dependent on you providing it). Is he a bit of a prepper and likes to stockpile?!

Dunno, but you shouldn't be cold, so not fair on you for sure. Can you look into secondary glazing?

Fireyflies · 30/03/2024 10:05

Has the oil tank been serviced recently? They are supposed to be serviced annually. I'd wonder if it has a leak?
But you need to get DH onside as a team to discuss the problem that the house is too cold and how to tackle it. He needs to stop thinking that the problem is you moaning about being cold and accept that that's not the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.

Sailawaygirl · 30/03/2024 10:09

Fireyflies · 30/03/2024 10:05

Has the oil tank been serviced recently? They are supposed to be serviced annually. I'd wonder if it has a leak?
But you need to get DH onside as a team to discuss the problem that the house is too cold and how to tackle it. He needs to stop thinking that the problem is you moaning about being cold and accept that that's not the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.

Definitely this

It's sounds like you are both being cold martyrs!
Really feel for you. It's horrible feeling when you feel you can't turn the heating on. And I guess he has put up with it for ages wfh, he might have the view that turning on the heating now would undo all his hard work not putting it on.?

Therealjudgejudy · 30/03/2024 10:09

Ask him why he thinks it is acceptable for you and your child to be cold?

schloss · 30/03/2024 10:12

500l oil per month is not right - if the tank is not leaking (you would know by the smell if nothing else), then I think you have to look at the way the heating is used.

For context, we are also north with a stone built listed house, oil CH/water, plus an oil aga - we use 2 tanks of oil per year (2400ltrs total). We also have single glazed windows.

Firstly, make sure you have interlined (double of poss) curtains and/or blinds at all the windows and make sure they are closed before it gets dark. Also hang curtains on the inside of external doors.

Secondly, if you already have not, add thermstatic valves to all the radiators, and bleed them as someone has already mentioned in a previous post. I would also be tempted to ask a plumber or CH engineer to come and balance the heating system. Plus check what temp the boiler is set at.

Check where your room stat is located as this will regulate the temp of the house and how much time the boiler comes on. If it is in a room which is warmer, possibly one where you use the open fire, it will mean the remainder of the house is cold. If you do not have a room stat or stats, get them - you can use wifi ones if need be.

Lastly, the way you need to heat old, stone houses is different to newer ones - it takes a while for them to become warm, so just raising the stat to 16 and allowing the boiler to fire for an hour is not going to work. The heating needs to be on for longer at lower temp - never allow the house to get very cold as you will just waste oil trying to raise its temp again.

Water does not need to be heated for as long as CH - so you may be able to reduce the boiler being on for the water.

crumblingschools · 30/03/2024 10:14

You don’t usually need heating overnight as the house will have been warmed up during the day, especially if it is well insulated. This house is not

femfemlicious · 30/03/2024 10:16

Why are you paying for so much if he earns twice what you do?. You may have to divorce him for a better life.

Notamum12345577 · 30/03/2024 10:19

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/03/2024 09:52

She said she wants to move but he refuses.

Ah ok, my mistake

femfemlicious · 30/03/2024 10:20

C6H12O6 · 30/03/2024 08:53

That’s what 500litres of oil costs up here. The oil heats the water and the radiators…

The house is rented so only so much we can do in terms of keeping the heat in. Our bedroom for example, the curtains move with the slightest wind - it’s really old and drafty. I want to move somewhere newer and warmer but he’s ’old school’ farming stock and it’s almost like he’s martyring himself living in the cold, if that makes sense?

Why stay married to this man?. Do you have children?