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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Birthday meal, DH and kids...

305 replies

Mealtime19283 · 29/03/2024 14:57

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

OP posts:
trackertoo · 29/03/2024 14:59

how close are you to the sc?

Howaboutthats · 29/03/2024 15:00

No issue at all with that

trackertoo · 29/03/2024 15:01

op you dont want them to come

it is not about (if dh wants them to come then he should offer pay for them!

but ultimately this is about you actively not wanting them to come. So be honest with your DH or accept that they’ll come if he pays

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/03/2024 15:01

I wouldn't have issue with that, it's not your weekend with SC. I'm sure they get to go out with their own grandparents

trackertoo · 29/03/2024 15:02

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

in what way? in that you’d be forced to accept them to come?

WineIsMyMainVice · 29/03/2024 15:03

I think you have a good point. So definitely YANBU.
As you say, if it was their weekend at yours that would be different and DH should pay for them. But it’s not so you should be able to enjoy the evening with your parents.
Happy Birthday!

Crumpleton · 29/03/2024 15:04

Nothing wrong with just you, your DH and DC going especially as its not your DH weekend have his DC stay over.

I'd be pretty miffed with him suggest it especially as it's your birthday and your DP's paying.

converseandjeans · 29/03/2024 15:07

It would be different if it was DH paying but it's not. I don't see why they should come along if your parents haven't invited them & it's not their weekend at yours.

How much extra would it cost? Probably an extra couple of hundred quid?

Just go with your parents & kids & do something with DH and step kids another time?

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 15:07

I am usually 100% on DSC side on MN but I feel like DH is making an issue where there’s not one. You can do things when they aren’t there, it’s just a meal, not a big deal.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 29/03/2024 15:08

YANBU. It's your parents wanting to treat your family for your birthday.

Tell DH a flat out no.
If he can't cope with that then he's not actually needed.
He can stay home. Alone.

WimpoleHat · 29/03/2024 15:09

This is a birthday meal for you, hosted by your parents. It’s not about DH at all, let alone his kids from a previous relationship. He’s invited as a courtesy to you, as he’s your husband. Totally ridiculous to want to invite the stepkids to something like that that doesn’t fall on their weekend.

HelloMiss · 29/03/2024 15:10

I think it's pretty shitty actually

Mealtime19283 · 29/03/2024 15:14

trackertoo · 29/03/2024 15:02

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

in what way? in that you’d be forced to accept them to come?

Because if it were their weekend here I could say we have them that weekend and my parents could then either suggest another weekend when we don't or offer to pay if that's what they want. I don't see the need to bring them up though when they aren't supposed to be here anyway putting pressure on my DPs to pay for them as well.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2024 15:16

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC.

How's he planning to pay for them?

Mealtime19283 · 29/03/2024 15:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2024 15:16

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC.

How's he planning to pay for them?

Well he hasn't outright said it but its implied my parents will pay seen as he's asked me to ask them if they can come.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 29/03/2024 15:18

Your DH wants his children to come too.

But this meal is about you and what you want. It is also about what your parents want seeing as they are paying.

Be guiltfree about saying no, this is just for us this time. I am sure the DSC get included is lots of other more appropriate stuff.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2024 15:20

Volunteering other people's money is not OK.

Sparklfairy · 29/03/2024 15:20

Your parents are paying. It's really, really rude of him to invite other people. Even if he reluctantly paid for DSC or whatever, this is your parents' treat to you.

He is quite welcome to treat you to another meal out with DSC.

HelloMiss · 29/03/2024 15:23

Either his kids are family....or they aren't

Speak to your parents, they may well be assuming they are coming too

KreedKafer · 29/03/2024 15:24

YANBU to say the DSCs can’t come. It’s your birthday and your parents so you get to decide.

However, your parents are well off and can easily pay for them, why would the presence of your DSCs be a problem? Are there issues with the way they behave? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I’m interested to know why they would affect your parents’ ability to treat their grandkids or for you and your parents to enjoy the meal. I appreciate I’m just being nosy though!

MillieIou · 29/03/2024 15:29

I'm on the fence. He's trying to treat his kids all the same and I don't think he can be knocked for that. However he can choose not to go if he doesnt want to be having a meal with only 1 set of kids. I personally would want them there as I wouldn't want to leave them out, but I understand everyone has different views on it.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 29/03/2024 15:31

They're not being left out.
Life is going on while they aren't there.
OP and her family can't be expected to stop events because they aren't there.
There is a timetabled agreement. This is not their weekend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2024 15:34

HelloMiss · 29/03/2024 15:23

Either his kids are family....or they aren't

Speak to your parents, they may well be assuming they are coming too

I learned the hard way that this isn't true. When people get divorced, the actual parent can decide you never see the child again, regardless of how great your relationship was before. It's not the same and pretending it is doesn't make it so. The GPs want to treat OP and their GC. They a re allowed. The DH doesn't have to go.

Mealtime19283 · 29/03/2024 15:34

KreedKafer · 29/03/2024 15:24

YANBU to say the DSCs can’t come. It’s your birthday and your parents so you get to decide.

However, your parents are well off and can easily pay for them, why would the presence of your DSCs be a problem? Are there issues with the way they behave? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I’m interested to know why they would affect your parents’ ability to treat their grandkids or for you and your parents to enjoy the meal. I appreciate I’m just being nosy though!

Because I think it's really cheeky to ask them to pay for DSC when they haven't offered to, regardless as to whether they could afford it. They aren't close to them.

OP posts:
trackertoo · 29/03/2024 15:35

op you don’t want them there

so be honest 🤷

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