Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

"our children".......says it all. Dont get together with someone who already has kids if you dont take them into your life as shared "our children"

Which is fine until the marriage breaks up and you can literally never see them again. It's just a lie that SC are the same as biological children. For example, my family member just got married to a man with loads of kids. I have never met them. I changed her DC's nappies, hugged them to sleep, comforted them when they cried, and they are my family.

My family member can treat the SC as her own DC if she would like, but why should I? Because she married him? I wouldn't be rude of course, but if I was taking her out for her birthday, would I invite them? Of course I wouldn't. They aren't my family.

What do the kids themselves want?

Why is it a problem if she doesn't want them there? It's not their weekend, they aren't there. The op's parents certainly shouldn't feel obligated to pay for them, they aren't their grandchildren.

Why would the kids even know there was a dinner? They must be aware that life goes on without them.

It often seems that many mumsnetters think nobody should have a relationship with a person who has children from a previous relationship unless they adore said children (sometimes irrespective of very difficult behaviour which is apparently always to be excused) and plan to love them exactly the same as their own children.
This is just not real life. Stepmums are people with rights of their own too and being taken out by parents at a time when the stepchildren aren’t there is absolutely fine.
OP crack on with your birthday treat as your parents have kindly planned and tell your husband it is not an event for your step children but you are happy to go out as a extended family group with them for a less expensive meal on another day to be paid for by him.

I was responding to someone saying why should SC go, would your children go to their half siblings mums birthday.

There is a difference there, op is the SC SM, the mum of their half siblings is not their SM, they don't live with her, probably don't see her. Yet that comparison is often used on here, like they are exactly the same situation.

Because ‘they’re your children’s siblings!’, ‘they’re family!’, and ‘think only of the children!’ are routinely trotted out when a stepmother wants to do something that doesn’t include her stepchildren, yet those spouting the above become suddenly capable of nuance when it comes to the stepchildren being able to do things that don’t include their half siblings.

The reason people make that comparison is that it is the same level of relation, i.e. the mother of a sibling.

Step-parent is only a title used for the spouse of a patent. It actually doesn't mean anything. It doesn't come with rights or obligations. It doesn't reflect a certain relationship. Same as step-grandparent. It means nothing.

There's nothing wrong with that. She's absolutely entitled to spend her birthday with just her parents and her children.

you didn’t read my follow up posts

Why if the OP partner wants them there? They are DC's so why not be there?

Again, MN is so against blended fams

which is fair enough

So what if he does? It’s not for him, hasn’t been arranged by him, and isn’t being paid for by him.

Step-parent is only a title used for the spouse of a patent. It actually doesn't mean anything

This is a really good point. And it comes from days of old, before divorce was a “thing” and a stepparent basically meant that you lived with them and that your parent had died. These days it covers a multitude: my friend is a stepmother to a child whose father has full custody after the child was removed from his mother. She is his primary carer and he calls her mum. I have a stepmother and I see her a couple of times a year; she is very much “the wife of my father”. What matters are actual relationships within families. If these kids have a strong relationship with their own mother and grandparents, why on earth would they spend a lot of time with the OP’s parents or see them as “family”? And vice versa.

It’s not about the money. He wants his children recognised by the OP and DSGP as their family. His children are all equal to him. It won’t be a proper family celebration with some of his kids missing.

Fucking hell - if my boys ever think about getting involved with a woman with kids already im gonna refer him to here.

And he'll avoid it like a fucking PLAUGE!

@Thudercatsrule then he can pay? He's implying that her parents should pay. That's ok with you? Her parents didn't sign up for all the additional children and paying up for them? They should be able to treat their GC and have time with just them.

Why if the OP partner wants them there? They are DC's so why not be there?

He didn't organise it, invite people, pay for it, and it's not his birthday. Frankly, so what if he wants them there. When it's his birthday, or he pays, or organises or invites, he can choose.

It's an invite from your parents, they get to chose who comes.

I'd plan a nice takeaway next time your step-children are over, or it may be you have already celebrated with them anyway.

They’re equal to him, sure. That doesn’t mean they’re equal to OP and her family, and it doesn’t mean they have to be.

It’s a celebration of OP for her birthday, arranged and paid for by her parents. Not all family celebrations have to include every member of the family - or should his parents be invited too? Lest it not be a ‘proper family celebration’?

His children are all equal to him.

So they should be. But they aren't related to the GPs.

It’s not his birthday, it’s not his guest list

It's your birthday meal, your parents are paying for it and you would prefer your stepkids not to be there, and its not their weekend anyway! It's not how I would handle things, but I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting a celebration with "your" side of the family - it would be different if your partners parents/siblings etc are going too.

He wants his children recognised by the OP and DSGP as their family.

As the OP said a long time upthread, her parents have very little contact with the stepkids. It has clearly mattered very little to the DH that his kids have a familial relationship with his new in laws; all of this has started because he sees a chance to go to a swishy restaurant on someone else’s dime….

1000% this