Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

I honestly don’t think you would get different responses if the situation was similar - ie if the mother had children from a first relationship who:

• weren’t the grandchildren of the MIL
• were scheduled to be with their dad that weekend
• didn’t know the MIL very well and had little contact with her.

Why would this hypothetical MIL regard these children as her grandchildren?

(You referred to the wedding thread of a couple of weeks ago earlier on - but that was entirely different as the stepchild in that scenario lived full time with the DH, regarded him as her dad and his parents as her GPs and didn’t have any contact with her own dad. Completely and utterly different - and so yes, did get a different response.)

Why should OP offer to pay? She wants a birthday dinner with her parents and her own children, she is allowed to want that.

DH can organise his own meal and pay for that.

Usually people are advised to keep their finances separate in blended families, so no. There’s also plenty of those in nuclear families that don’t go in for ‘all money is family money’.

It doesn’t matter what the husband wants. This isn’t about him or his older children

I didn’t refer to a wedding thread, maybe that was someone else.
but I do think you get different responses if the ops children were being left out.

Your DH is being a CF on three fronts:

• he’s inviting his children along to an event that other people are hosting and paying for
• He’s expecting the children’s mother to give up her own contact time, regardless of any plans she might already have with the children
• he wants to dictate what happens on your birthday, with your own parents.

There is a simple solution: DH organises and pays for a separate birthday celebration on a weekend when he has contact with his children, and you all go out together.

@StormingNorman were / are you a step mum?

It's not just about whether you want/don't want them there...or the money.
6 people out for a meal is already quite a number.
8 people becomes a large group. Its harder to book a table. It's harder to hold a conversation. Restaurants start adding service charges and want pre-orders.
No matter how much you like someone It's fine to say actually I want this to be a more intimate occasion.
People leave out biological children that live away from home (eg uni) all the time.
I have really enjoyed meals or days out with just one of my children when the other is busy. It completely changes the dynamic and its refreshing.

its got bugger all to do with the money
the op doesn’t want them there
fair enough

but it’s precisely why i will never ever ever blend families. The idea of being with someone who (quite reasonably) doesn’t want my children to join a family occasion where i will b e and where their half siblings are….i couldn’t do it

added to which, i would always in every scenario from my last rolo a house fire… prioritise my own children

so i’m a complete hypocrite! hence why i will never ever be a step mum. For everyone’s sake!

I didn’t refer to a wedding thread, maybe that was someone else.

Ah - apologies. It was referred to upthread and I must have got mixed up. Hopefully you got the gist of it, anyway!

I think the difference when the mother’s kids are the stepkids in the family is often that they are there most of the time and therefore they do have far more contact with their stepfather’s family. (That was the basic premise of the wedding thread I was talking about - the child there saw the stepfather as her father and so regarded his mum as her gran etc. And, on that basis, I can absolutely see why there would be upset if the gran tried to exclude her as “not blood”.) But the OP’s situation sounds completely different. Her parents don’t have contact with the DSC, so the DSC won’t see them as grandparents at all. They’ll be at their mum’s - as planned and as usual - on the weekend of the meal. I’d have thought they’d prefer that to going out for a meal with people they don’t know well.

If its the one I was thinking of. Didn't a majority agree that it was fine to exclude her and that OPs forceful obsession with including her DD in the step and half family had actually backfired and now everyone. Step and her half siblings didn't want her around?

@StormingNorman

you have never had children
you didn’t/don’t have a good relationship with your step mum
you didn’t/don’t have a good relationship with your biological mother or indeed your family generally

it is no wonder you are so staunchly advocating for the step children in this scenario 🌷

Tell him no, you won't ask them. Your parents have invited you out, it's their treat.

It would be incredibly rude to invite extras, it would put your parents in an awkward situation.

I think you’re getting me confused with someone else. I haven’t mentioned my relationship with my mum or my family and I don’t think I’ve shared my parental status.

TBF we don't even know if the DH has mentioned it to the ex in passing that he's going out for a birthday meal at said really nice restaurant and the ex has insisted that their biological DC go to.

on other threads that i’m on
you have been clear family not bothered about you
and very difficult relationship with your mother

and you don’t have children yourself

Then he can pass on the no.

This isn't nearly as complicated as people are making it.

my parents are really well off but I wouldn't dream of asking for additional guests to join an expensive meal that they were paying for - the OP says they aren't close so it's not a grandparent relationship

I'm in agreement that OP should be able to go out with her DH, DC and parents without her DSC and that some people are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It's not as though the DH only sees his DC by the ex once in a blue moon so I can't see why the DH can't just let his IL's treat their DD and GC to an evening in a nice restaurant, infact I'm not really sure why he thinks it's even acceptable to ask that the OP asks her parents and as stated would he do the same if his and the ex's DC wanted both their parents at their birthday meals, would he find it acceptable to invite his wife, their DC and even, if as some on here say they're family the wife's GP'S too.

Bit stalky.

my family are all distant. All affected by PTSD from domestic violence and seeing one another is triggering but thanks for bluntly saying they’re not bothered about me.

Do me a favour and never talk about anyone’s family dynamics again when you don’t know the background 👍

huh? You posted about your family, very recently and personal. All i was saying that it may explain your staunch and kind advocacy of the children in this scenario

and you seem to have taken gross offence

i am sorry though

Afternoon, all. Please do avoid making personal attacks when posting - it breaks our Talk Guidelines and derails threads. Thank you.

@Mealtime19283 , sorry your thread has been derailed so very thoroughly but it seems to happen a lot on threads about DSC. I'm sure those of us who'd just like you to have a fancy dinner with your DPs would still be interested to know if your DH has the brass neck to ask them himself, but no pressure